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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Heya dude... haha...

For nearly one year, I am not around... man, wonder what have I been?

Actually, I was browsing through my good net-friend (Yahoo! Messenger mate haha --> June, the kaze?), then I realise... after being away for nearly one year, the link to 'Ren Kang' blog remains the same... I wanted to say: "Darn, June, take that off, I am not going to use that blog anymore, spammers alert c'mon!"

But then, I realise... It has been a long time since I truly blog about something...

Last time I blog, it was on my main page... but it wasn't exactly a blog. I am writing a testimonial of what have become of mine. But many of my friends (local town - Pontian, Johore, Malaysia) says that I am writing too much about myself. My church youth leader in fact told me that I have become somewhat 'a defiled child' in their eyes. The kid who score straight A's in STPM; The kid who manage to study in NUS ... now has become a defiled prodigal son.

Well, first and foremost... I did not regret writing that, because one: I don't like to be the person everyone will always think: hey Ren Kang is a nice kid, he is friendly, he is good-natured and such and such. At times I have this urge to feel that way, but I don't like the idea of being played as 'good'... I am not...

Second, I don't want people to know me as what they would want of me. I don't like people telling me, I like you because you did what I like. This is not good, because finally you will succumb to total submission, making yourself helpless when suddenly I do things you don't like. Agree? I was like that with my first love, and though it ended 5 years ago, it took me a good 4 years to realise it. I cannot be submissive to a person who will fail me somehow. This is not right.

Third, and the foremost of all the points mentioned above, is that --> I don't like people thinking only the good things about me, and keep on fantasizing about it, until they make it a point that I am their idol. Before I put up that 'confession', people thought that I am a good boy, who can play very good guitar, (people claim that I can play awesome solo-rhythm guitar, but I am not... come to my hall then you see better people. Even my dad, who thought I am better than him, and hence very good, think that I am very good...) who is active in hall, who is alright with studies and such. But after the confession, man, all look to me like... is he the guy who is good-natured and yet struggles with pornography?... I wasn't shocked at this. I expect this, and they should.

Bottom line is - do not expect what you see as what you get. No, in real world, what you see IS NOT what you get. Hello? Go check out the real life of some of the idols that you guys sorely like... Britney Spears? I used to like her like mad when I was in junior high, and then how? Christina Aguilera? Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise? These people seem stereotype to you guys, but I was a down-to-earth worshipper of them when I was in junior high. Guess what I know about them now? They are just plain human. They make mistakes. People reject them because they make mistakes.

So much for being about my confession. My answer to those who are angry about me and despise me? I do not want to sound critical, but in certain times, look into your life, did you ever had any times where you make a mistake, and people reject you? If you don't have any, do you ever have asked any feedbacks from friends who tell you that they think you are doing right? And if they have, did you really ask them? Or do you tell them to speak out what YOU WANT THEM TO SAY?

I do not condone good people. There are some in the world who are really, acting what they are preaching. That is good. That is why I respect God alot. Nevertheless, look at us as human. We are human, not immortal, for goodness sake. We make mistakes, and obviously there are people who reject what you did. But, does that mean that there won't be someone to support you unconditionally, despite knowing that you make mistakes? Or in my case, despite knowing that you are 'defiled'?

I thank God, really, that I still have a group support from my Church friends, and also some of my hall friends, despite this year, many have isolated from me, because of the distance I have been with them already. This year, I am less active in hall, because there are certain activities that I don't feel like going. I realise that (in later days, kaze enlightened me) that some times you have to work hard for being continually staying in hall, just like how some of the hall people did. Which is why they think that I am being isolated from their group of friend, and worst, yesterday birthday, they did not invite me to Ee Ling's birthday party, because they think I am not a friend to Ee Ling. I am not petty about such stuff... just that I don't like people assume me for who they thought I would be.

I am sorry if I ever offended anyone (I really do not want to offend anyone, but because of that I ended up offended a large group of friends... what a bother)... but I must make a stand, and I hope I did it firm. I have my point of view, and I have my way of doing. If there is wrong in doing it, I won't mind feedbacks. They are healthy, and they are beneficial for my growth in character. But being transparent and hence act like I am a defiled kid, don't talk to me... ... What comes around goes around. Have there ever be times when you were in such shape before?

Ren Kang


d i r t - r e n
8:39 PM

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Student in NUS, rock-inspired self-taught bassist, guitarist and pianist, and wants to make a cut in the underground band music.

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