Been crying for 2 different nights. One, after the final match of Inter Hall Games: Handball male. Raffles Hall beat Kent Ridge Hall by 3 goals margin. Two: after watching Against The Ropes.

The second part wasn't the first time though. The reason behind the weeping was.

On the first night, I was watching Kent Ridge Hall. I watched the better team played. They were so disorganised. The team that I respect more than Raffles Hall was like a bunch of hooligans trying to make themselves champs. But somehow along the match, it wasn't the winning factor that bothers me. It was the way of the game flow. I watch how good team drops down, just as how I started of as a good Christian, according to my peers in my hometown church. However, ever since I came to NUS, I learned bad stuff. Foul language, free source of porn, humiliate girls... wait, porn. There is a bundle of words there.

I was so engrossed with porn even before the semester starts. A bunch of good deals. I can get to watch 2 hours of porn for free, just by downloading. It is awesome, pretty face, real tight. Such things. Bad things. Because of such engrossment, it lasted for 4 weeks. Even during Chinese New Year, it won't go off. This is how bad it is.

I never thought of forgetting that until one day, I met an internet random chatter through ICQ. Being talkative and persuasive in talking with online people, I play along with them. Particularly Kai. Call herself Baby fat because she like the nickname. Never thought that she is actually rather pretty. But Internet could be hoax. But that is not the point.

I started to fear porn the next day after I know Kai. She offer to me her pictures and her experience in sex. I was taken aback. I was shocked. And because I was shocked, I rejected her. I know her and I respected her the day before, listening to my history and thinking I am honest with her. Her honesty to me, however, backfired. I was horrified. I rejected her. I rejected my God-sis.

Handball match didn't show porn, but my thought was running through how I though respected people made mistakes. Then somehow it linked up. God says man wasn't meant to be perfect. In fact He knows we are imperfect. Which is why Kent Ridge screw up that match. They should have won if they did a right organisation. My God-sis would not be rejected had she not exposed her nymphomaniac characteristics to me. I wouldn't have wasted my time watching porn, instead of preparing for the upcoming week of tutorial quiz. Had not it happens. Easier said than done.

I thought it so much, and I suddenly realise a major factor. I told God blatantly: Papa, I really can't do it anymore. I cannot control my urge anymore. I lost this battle with Satan. I started of wanting to be free from distraction. Just me alone with my computer, with my life. I ended up succumbing to computer, to porn. I lost touch with God. Totally.

Papa did not say anything. I did not tell anyone about what I have thought. But somehow I know I have to say it before I go crazy. I tried Jian Ming, but I was too shy. I told him that we meet up to talk about it, rather than talking on the phone.

5 days have gone. Next up I was trying to study Electromagnet, the subject I never touch at all since the beginning of the lecture. Next week is the tutorial quiz. 25 percent. I can't believe I don't know what is the curl of the vector when my lecture finished the entire electromagnet fundaments. I tried to start of, learning the basics how to integrate, when I felt I can't read anymore. Tried to do something, but I can't. Totally uninspired... to put straightforwardly, I felt bad thinking about those stuff. I can't... it is tough.

Then I suddenly thought how I was inspired by Against the Ropes. So, I want to give it a try. Since I can't study, why not see something? Yeah I did. Guess what, I wept more. The most. This is my 5th time watching it, and I wept more?

Then I began to realise, in the darkness, that I was struggling with certain things. My not forgiving myself. My giving up. My struggling with masturbation, which has become an addiction. My struggling with socialising with people. My struggling with whether is it the right time to go a step deeper in relationships with women. My struggling with studies, how am I going to make it the right point to catch up, since I got 6 more weeks. It is so little. My... ultimate struggling with myself.

Sometimes I want to give myself a chance to meet up with people, but I just struggles. I can't talk to them regularly. Sometimes I wished I could meet up girls that I like, hinting her if can't directly that I like her, and that if I could have a deeper understanding of her to have a sort of courtships. I had numerous 'love at first sight' with some girls, but I just can't see to them in a proper manner. My sinful character just hindered me to talk to them normally. I just can't have normal conversation with them, when my thought tells me I don't want to taint their expectation of me being a 'good boy', where in actual fact I am a dirty, naughty, rebellious, porn-addicted, sometimes critical to my family and certain friends, and worst... I don't want them to know that I want them physically. That is bad. No... that is horrendous. God will strike me dead.

In fact, he could have. So many times.

But He did not. In fact, He slowly steers my heart to be thinking purely of girls, of studies, of the real reasons why I would be addicted to pornography. All in the name of human relation. I yearn for a person to trust me, believe me, have faith in me, never give up on me, and love me as myself. Not a person who earns what he is loved for. But who will be loved despite of himself being a sinful person.

But I have this mindset. You are what you earned to be. You are what you work hard for. After all, did not God give us work for?

But no, we do not deserve His Grace, no matter what we did. Good works? Search deeper. Is there time when you say, "Oh, working money so that I could look better?" Did you ever say that? Or did you ever think that? Now, think deeper. What is the looking better for? So that you stood out better than the other? So that people notice you? Hold on a second hypocrite, aren't you selfish? And you think you earned that? That criteria will allow you to go to heaven?

Tnink... because that ponders me while I am writing now. I was like this. I wanted attention to me, yet when asked I would say, no ... it is glory to God, not to me... Yeah right, dressing right so that you could make yourself look better than some other people don't look as good as you makes you glorifying God. Tell me if you are right or not. You are just fanning your own feathers.

Which is why it makes me sad. I wept partly because of this.

I told God, if my feeling of helpless doesn't lead You to see my suffering, God, then I will commit suicide.

Hold up. Aren't you being selfish here.

... You want God's attention. You want God to see that you are suffering so that you can live a better life. You want the sudden genius ideas come to you so that you can study fast and better. You sorely want a girlfriend, and you admit you can't do it, so you ask God if He can help you. Sure, you wept... but does that work?

Which is why when I wept, suddenly I got this urgent thought. I suddenly stopped. Why am I still so selfish? Why am I still wanting attraction? Why?

Then, I suddenly sat up straight. Got this thought that comes to mind. Why, of all the prayers that I have said, that I never said anything like, "God, You do what You like. If me being a single is what You have in mind, let it be. If these trials are not the end, do what You think is the best for me. If I were to face failure in this semester so that it serves a lesson for me to learn from You, God, do what You like". Did I ever thought of that? Not until just now.

I realise, after all these crying and such, that if I meant genuinely to repent, I would have done so, but I did not. In fact, it was momentous. After that, it was gone. I never intend to really repent. I just want to live such life, but still live a good life.

As I was writing, I was rather convicted. These tears are not real. They are just for show. I badly wanted God to look at me. That's all. And that's bad.

...

...

So I thought... it is time, not to think about all these any more. Something has to be done.

Kurdip Singh, my neighbour, and the Resident Fellow of Block 3 of Raffles Hall, he told me that there is this counciling centre that I could seek. (I am sorry Mr. Kurdip, for lying to say that it is a friend who is crying. I am sorry. My pride again... I am sorry.) I went out, seek a breath, and had a clearer thought. Now, I wanted to do something right. I want to deal with this issue. It is vital. I can't go on feeling lost and dejected anymore.

Second, I need to find a mentor, it is vital. I need to walk right, and not insulting God all the time. I think I did.

God, I am sorry. I do.

d i r t - r e n
8:19 PM

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