Made alot of mistakes for the past weeks. Try to make up for the mistake in one day. I can't. I lost. After all, I am still the slacker. I knew it myself.

Well, today, spend my time until Lecture 3 of EE2011 (trying to make an effort to study electromagnet, but ended up until there, because I lost focus). Tried to study later on, but my mind kept on wandering. Bad you might say. Yeah, it is bad.

I was wondering, how am I going to cope. I had so many deadlines. Essays due, lectures gone, tutorials totally left untouched, and here I got 2 major events happening in one week, and I am supposed to coordinate them. I am tired. I am really tired. Oh, tutorial quiz too. I had to cancel my wisdom tooth operation thanks to the tutorial quiz on the same day.

I am damned. All thanks to what I did last time. God may forgive me, but what has happened cannot be undone. Miracles won't happen in such a way that I can finish lecture in one day, finish essays in one day, every thing done in Sunday alone so that I can enjoy the remaining weeks picking up the pace. Pace? I think I lost it already.

I am lost. Seriously lost. School life has never been so scary to me before. I never thought that I would reach below 3 state. I always thought that just getting an honour is enough. Now... I don't know if I can still study in NUS. Now, I am very worried. But I don't know how to leave it to God to do it. I really can't. I ... I don't know.

Now I think of it, maybe I would try total isolation from campus for a few weeks, if it works for me, then I would stick to the plan. If not, I would give up. Do stupid things you say, but I would give up staying inside Hall. For the sake of the grade. It is quite vital to me, knowing that you play internet all day is not 'to learn about University life'. This is not University life. This is a kid's life. I would end up being wounded up like a mad dog. In fact I am.

I wanted a double room, and find a roommate who I can study whenever I am with him around, but I think it was lame. I know I would eventually influence him. That was what happened last year, with Gary. Now I thought deeper. Better to limit internet access, stay at Grandma's house to study. This could be better. Take school literally as school, then go back home to study. Yeah, take Grandma's house as home. It might work. Or would it?

I don't know. I am very lost. Seriously. I know myself. I am now not just needing such limitation. I need something more. Perhaps I should try counciling session. It might work. It would do me big favor. It might. Why not? I currently need someone to hold on to, and I do not have now. I can't find a girlfriend certainly, as they are not meant to be such way. I don't know if I am ever ready for such things. Single has always been an issue, no matter how hard I tried to forgo it, it seems to me that I am trying to avoid the issue. Ultimately, I know my deepest desire. CAN I HAVE LIFE SUPPORT, for God's sake?

I am lost. Perpetually lost. Lost in school work. Lost in my life. I tried depending on God, and I wanted to. But I don't know. Somehow, something is not right. I am still struggling. I am really struggling. I know that God says that His love is sufficient to cover everything...

But, I have a big hole in the heart right now. It is the love I wanted. A life person who I can trust. A life woman who I can put my trust to. A life woman who I can also go and hug. A person who I always wanted to say, I love her. I tried. 2 times. Online. Failed. Rejected. I can't bring this up to life people. Can't even start to say hi. Can't even start to greet. Can't. I can't meet her face to face. I don't think God wants me to find a love either. I am not committed at all. Not at all.

Then why the rainy season pouring in my heart? Why the hole is still leaking? Why am I still pondering the question in my every night dreams? Why can't I look up to God as if He is the sovereign of all love, and that He would provide me with sufficient love? Why can't I go through all these? Why, when people say, the rough time will soon come to pass, I don't feel it? I HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FOR 10 LONG YEARS! TELL ME WHY?

Guess it is time to go offline. I won't want to go blogging sometimes sooner, if God allows. Something has got to be done, neh?

d i r t - r e n
12:03 AM

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