2 days, I wonder, why God used these 2 days to let me understand my innerself.

Saturday, after studying a few sub-topics of Micro-electronics, I was in total delirious. (Chill, I used that because I suddenly got mind block). I suddenly realise, that there's this one song playing over my mind so many times, and it kept on repeating.

Simple Plan - Perfect

(Check the lyrics, you might understand why)

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I'm wastin my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
and you can't change me

(Chorus)
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last for ever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

(Chorus)

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand

(Chorus x2)

The lyrics were just too hard to be ignored. I thought it so many times. They are singing exactly what I have been thinking for years. Why on earth did my dad just can't say a word of encouragement to me. Why on earth can't my dad speak right with me?

My good result when I score perfect during my primary and secondary years? You should have gotten that all along. When I got all As and 1B, I can't believe he only looked at the B. When I scored full As for my pre-Uni, he diverged and never even want to talk about it.

I never got so angry until recently, when I see how my Dad responded to my Mum. By the time I reached hall, I was more than happy to be 'back in Singapore'. What's going wrong in my thought? I was forsaking my Dad?

That night, I can't think straight. Saturday night I normally ended up chatting with friends, but that night I can't even think properly. It was this bad. I can't judge, I can't study. Worst, I can't focus my mind to do something. That is how bad it is. Very bad.

The next day, out in the middle of my dream, I thought of going to church. Sunday, the day I blogged here. Morning I reached there abit late. Can't be helped. In the bus, there was a heated arguments between an old lady, with the bus driver. She gave claims that she did transact through E-Z link card. Thank goodness, I thought the bus driver would just ignore her, and she kept on refuting him, and pull the blame of the driver insisting on her paying to the government. Bad example for the children. She was nearly cursing everyone.

Then I had this sudden thought. My Dad had such thoughts in his mind all the while. I remembered him talking casually to my Mom one day, and it seemed to me that he had such thoughts alot more... but it was just put off as a casual remark.

But the church event was a big thing to me. I was attending the 40 Days of Purpose by the Aldersgate Methodist Church. Though I literally knew no one there, I was attending the church with ease of mind. And for today, Pastor Rick Warrens, through video simulcast, gave an introductory sermon of the Purpose Driven Live (R).

It was thought provoking, but what really strikes me hard was the final message, when he actually gave an account of his father.

He said how his father, despite in his dying days, still wants to save life. Even though he was bed-ridden in the hospital ward for his cancerous illness, he kept on wanting to be actively in-charge in the ministry. Pastor Rick Warrens told of how his father relentless spoke of the things he wanted to make sure is right, like how the ministry should be, the building of the church and such.

But what provokes me alot is the idea of having his Dad last days. He got agitated and tried to move up. He got comforted and lied down, but moments later he woke up again. Pastor Rick Warrens' wife got so tired of comforting him that she asked him, "What exactly do you want Father?"

All his father could say is, "Gotta save one more for Jesus."

He repeated this line for many hundreds of times, according to Pastor Rick Warrens. For me, it seems to be hitting so much in my thought. Had it not for being in the public, had it not for being hypocrite, I would have knelt down and wept, just like how I did for the past few days in my room.

He reminded me of how passionate I used to be for God, and how I promised that I would forgive my dad. He reminded me, above all, how much I was willing to look up to my dad for his other criteria, like being caring for me during my appendix operation. He never mentioned a word of discouragement, and I think, right now, I remembered what he told me before the operation: "Pray to your God, son. He is watching over you."

Now that I think of it, I am so sorry that I cursed my dad so many times before. I am so sorry that I forgot of very difficult times where he did not condemn me. If there are times whereby I hated him, I shouldn't have done so. Times when I am embarassed by his awkwardness, I should not.

I remember watching an old man walking alone on the street. I used to curse the children who allow him that. Now, when I saw him again, I thought... Had I not think of how evil I am towards my dad, I could be the children I always curse of.

Lord, prepare my heart. I am sorry I never acknowledge my dad. I thought that I was the right one. You proved me wrong today. I am glad it was this day, and not too late. My dad's condition is bad, I knew it. I could see it. I am sorry I angered him till this day. I am even sorry for my unwillingness to forgive my dad for persecuting me when I was very young.

Today, after a few rounds of studying I realise, if I don't take this heavy heart of mind to convict it to Lord Jesus, I will never be able to proceed. Be it studies, schools, bands, love, my devotions, my habits, my love for God. If I cannot forgive the one who I hated, God will definitely not want it.

I never believe it that before. Now I did. I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I think people rarely come to this blog, so I may be writing some personal stuff here soon. Please God, allow me to be more honest with You, so that the deadly sins that I had not confessed will be brought up to You. Amen Lord!

d i r t - r e n
4:30 PM

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