Been here for nearly 24 hours. So far, I haven’t started studying EE2005 (Electronics). Haven’t really got the mood to do it. Before I slept yesterday night, I was thinking – darn, I forgot I still got Band and Unplugged+ to do. We haven’t even thought of the right arrangement. I almost forgot, after trying to catch up the lectures for which I missed for the past few weeks. It is always hard to try to study back in Malaysia, particularly in my room at Pontian.

Yesterday I managed to talk smoothly with Dad. I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t. I had a bad dream. That Dad had some calamities. I faced him. The first time in my life and I felt sulky. I don’t feel like weeping. Something’s wrong.

But then, something struck me. If I were Dad, who was being isolated from Grandma since young, and faced the trauma of meeting with an insane and mentally ill retard for a few years during his years alone in Pontian, Johore, you would feel isolated too. You will go crazy. You will strike yourself dead before you meet anyone. Because you don’t want people to see how sick you are when you are actually being traumatic. Deep thoughts caused me to suddenly feel sad again. Again. I saw my dad’s calamities in my dream. I woke up with wet eyes. I thought I was poured with water. No, anywhere around me is dry. Only my eyes being wet. Gosh, this is the second time I had such dreams. First time though, when my mom told me about dad’s past. How my mom ended up being with my dad.

A lot of bad things in my life in the past. A lot of unforgiving manners of myself in the past. When I came up to know God, I didn’t know that He let Satan attacked me while I was vulnerable with these secrets of my life. It was horrible, horrifying. Satan knew that my worst weakness is to be raked up the history of my past with my dad.

But today, when I saw that Dad suddenly had a headache when I nearly got angry, I realized that I let satan did it. I let him have control over my temper. I don’t want to go visit dentist early in the morning, but Dad told me that they don’t do afternoon service. Simple as that. Then I got angry. Out of no reasons. Stupid me. I should have tolerated. I didn’t. I thought I can convince him. But he suddenly nearly collapsed. Thank You God, for the invention of chairs. It would seem apparent to the world that my dad collapsed. But my dad didn’t. Thank You God.

I was left thinking a lot. Yeah, I did go for the dentistry visit. Everything was fine. Our way back also the same. We chatted like the normal times. I always tried my best to convince myself that I shouldn’t have such hatred. I need to forgive my Dad. He is old. He really is. 60 years old. Who can complain?

He looks 35. But when you talked with him, you thought he’s 70 plus. He can hardly talk very fluently. But he is still in good shape. He still play guitar better than me. He insisted.

But then, I asked God – God, You know what I really hoped of from him. Why did he do it?

For so many years, I recount of none – n o n e – of an incident whereby my dad would say ‘Good job, my son’. I remember being 2nd place in my school – STPM. This is the best achievement that I have got for my entire life, because I knew I put extra hard work for it. I am no genius I admit, but I study more than human can tolerate. In fact I should – my aim to National University of Singapore. I went there when I was a kid, around secondary school period, and my cousin brought me there. He is an Electrical Engineer student that time. He stayed in Kuok Foundation House. He brought me to Sports and Recreational Centre. I think he did bring me somewhere around also. But little did he know that that particular day inspired me to come to National University of Singapore (NUS).

Anyway, back to where I started. I remember getting the award. All my friends gave me the winner look. The only students who came in the secondary school being looked down by any guys you would remember – turned out to be the winner in his golden year. But when I got home, it was like the old days. My Dad would just casually say, “Why did not you get Number 1? It doesn’t mean anything to me.”

Had not my mother encouraged me to go on, I would have leave home by now. Really. I was in the last position when I was in Secondary 1, and I hit my way through to Number 2. And thank goodness, you called that “Nothing to you”?

All the bad things he would magnify. Me being a liar, bully my sister, computer addict, playing the wrong sports, lousy guitarist – all these seem to be fluent in his speech. But not being improved kid since young. Never once did he acknowledge me as a good child. Never.

But then, when I went back home today, after visiting the dentistry, I realize the biggest mistake I thought of. Why do I seek humanly acknowledgement? They don’t last forever. In fact, they want you to do better. All because they love you for what you do, and not who you are. I then thought of God. I remember the time when I finally convicted myself to God. It was when I was in Secondary 4. That period was a total depression to me. The lowest peak during that period. God spoke to me. He told me I couldn’t do things alone. I can’t. I need God. He told me that. And I really accepted him. And I am glad that I still hold on to this even when I am utter disappointed. I nearly vent my anger, but I thought of God. God could have persecute me for what I thought of. Worst, God could have nailed me on the cross instead of Jesus. But He didn’t.

Today, I had just finished arranging the Unplugged team. I realize that I would later tell Gerald and Justin regarding the band stuff. Maybe tomorrow night so that we could start practice on Friday night. I might be finishing up my Japanese Studies lectures. Oh, and I almost forgot, maybe I will take a look at some of the articles of mindset of Singapore for Critical Thinking and Writing. Did I forget something? How about Pspice for Electronics? I don’t seem to remember there is such assignment, and it s due in a month’s time. Man, there are a lot of things in NUS. Rockfest, Phoenix Fest, EAL invitation, Band Jam. After that it would be the final exam. After that? Internship. Man, I better need some life support. I really do. I have just recovered from the depression period. Please God, don’t plunge me into one again. It is tormenting.

d i r t - r e n
2:46 PM

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