Midterm break first day. I am studying the entire Chapter 3 of Electromagnet. First time. I never did that before in my entire life. Was I just motivated? Or was there some other reasons?

Yesterday I went for the Handball try-out. Kenji told me I got the capability to play keeper. Hah, instead I am assigned as a centre. I can't play very well, in fact I made them lost runs alot of times. I nearly vent my anger when I thought I couldn't throw on-target to the goal. But, funny thing is - Kenji was right - I felt happy being able to go for such tryouts.

One: I got alot of encouragement. Weizhen and Hanwei never condemned me even when I can't grip the ball properly. Ian, the captain of Handball's team, told me not to be too negative on myself. He told me the fact that I came down for Handball tryout showed that I got the courage to try. Guoyan tossed me a ball when he saw me never got my turn playing penalty shootouts. Eu Jin bothered to tell me the rule of the game, when we tried Touch Handball. He bothered to tell me what to do even during the game. Sometimes, I realise, I have been kinda hard on myself. But these seniors, especially Eu Jin, the person I do not like in the first place, made me respect him and like him alot since the tryout. His friendliness, plus the fact that the other 2nd years, who always joked with me during the game. I will never forget June Fei, who explained lengthily to me certain rules and technics and never even once, when I screw up passing, did he ever condemn me. My goodness. Just when I scold myself in front of everyone, he was the one who encouraged me the most. Sometimes I wonder - Was I too hard on myself?

The day before yesterday, I shared with Yanchang my struggle in Hall, and the reason why I decided to leave Hall. He did not persuade me, but he wanted me to look in a different light. Is it really about Hall that makes me such? He let me see a different view, and ultimately, before I slept I realised how important is one's discipline. Without discipline, you can make even a good environment to study as bad as devils could describe.

Yesterday night, I met Andrea and Wei Xiong (They just finish hall production). We kinda talked alot (Haha, Andrea with her chatter-box characteristics, we almost talked for 1 hour talking cock. Haha). We chatted for a while, and I expressed my interest to either change hall, like to Kent Ridge Hall, or don't at all. It seemed not bad to me, but they seem to have alot of opinions against staying in Hall. Well, I can't complain. Andrea no longer stays in Raffles Hall, although she is still my prize possession in Unplugged+ and she agreed to 'sign a contract' with as long as I am in charge of Unplugged+. Well, things like this do happen huh?

Later at night, I realise, everything has been in such a fast pace, I did not realise that I have neglected alot of things that are supposed to be dedicated to God. In fact, it is quite plentiful. For example, I have been so busy handling Unplugged+ events, the Valentine's Day Dinner Time Jamming Session and Inter Hall Games Closing Ceremony Semi-Formal Dinner... that I have forgotten how sad I was and how I told God I want to change anew my life. I totally forgot those days when I wept like mad, until Mr. Kurdip and Dr. Patrick asked if I thought of suicidal. Haha, now that I think of it, I shouldn't have lied to them. I should just told them it is because of me seeking God, and in the process of confession, I am asking for God's deliverance in my life. Anyway, I think they knew what's going on, since they did not asked me anymore after that.

But for me, after the days of weeping, something inside me is changing. The schedule? I still suck in it, there are times when I almost forgot I had a meeting with my Critical Thinking and Writing groupmates. The emotion? Not really, remember what I said about nearly lost my temper during Handball tryout? Relationships with people? No, I still have some defense on me with some of the friends in Block 3A, in which we still had some problems trying to communicate in a personal manner.

So what is the problem? What makes me feel good today, that I can catch up my Electromagnet?

Reason being: I thanked God for giving me encouragements. I failed along the way, but He never stopped encouragements flourishing towards me. Remember the friends I had who kept on encouraging me during Handball tryouts? Remember Yanchang? Oh, I almost forgot, Kah Liat.

We went to the same lab yesterday morning. It was miraculous. We never had labs together. I almost did not talk to him for a long time. Grew bitter with him. I don't know why. But yesterday we had the same lab. We helped each other out. He told me not to be 'kancung' - anxious (my normal traits, and he kept on telling me to change that since year 1, and I think partly because of this characteristic he did not like me much as a friend). Surprisingly, I was very calm. Though yesterday we had the usual "Wa lao eh, you know how to do or not? Don't kancung leh, can do one, no problem", but we seemed to talk alot and the friendship bonded back like how I first met a new friend in Raffles Hall. He is my first friend. Funny, even then Gary did not know me well. Man, I missed those days. I don't know if there would be such days anymore or not, but he is ... like normal. And such small things, meant big to me.

Midterm break now. It starts at the end of the half-term semester. Many changes will be inplemented. Lecturers' changing. Tutorial starts to have quizzes soon. My lab starts to be very hectic by then. Performance - 5th March Rockfest, 8th March Phoenix Fest, 11th March Open House, 29th March Band Jam. After all these, everything is done, and 1 more month I will be studying. After that will be exam. After that, I will start my Vacation Internship Program. After that, school again. That's where the problem will start. Where am I gonna stay?

God, please decide what will be the best for You to fulfil Your Will in me.

d i r t - r e n
2:47 PM

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