2 habits to declare: Bad attitude/approach and Bad timing

Scary thing is, these 2 are the worst part of my life that makes me 1. not good in studies; 2. not good at girls.

Funny why I say girls? Well, it is about approaching girls to start a conversation. Better still, give an impression to the girl that I am worthy to talk to. But what happens is that, I haven't even gotten the chance to talk, and already it becomes bitter.

Li Ting told me my attitude is wrong towards girl. I should talk like I know everything about girls. Rule 1: Don't think you are famous until you can simply flirt around. First rule: Look at yourself first. Who the hell do you think you are?

Was having dinner with my normal co-horts, but I never thought today was a sulky day for me. Stupid Chen Hai. He shouldn't tell that girl that I want to flirt with her. It is true, but he should know that this is a sensitive thing. Bad thing is, she jeered at me. Feel like a loser. This reminds me of my failed pursuit with Li Xia, and Jayne before. Man. Those days are sucky man.

Thing is, I like this girl alot. Bad thing is I like because she looks pretty to me. But I never want to admit it. Everytime I try to look at her in a proper manner, I always thought, how pretty she look. This is really not good. I never lusted about her (Thank God), but it was still bad. She was someone's girlfriend (one of my co-horts) last semester. This semester they do not seem to be together anymore so I assume they are not going very well either. But bad thing when Chen Hai said that. It is very insulting to a girl.

I do like her appearance and her look, but please, don't assume that I like her. I know, I am sorry I did the mistake of commenting her everytime I see her, and I sincerely apologized. It is my selfish desire to think of someone to be exactly the same as my ideal girl. So I sincerely apologize.

This explains why I do not have a girlfriend. I never have a proper thought. If I can't accept a girl as who she is, and keep on commenting things, I will never grow. I know this. But the worst part is: I do not want to change that.

Bad thing right? Yeah I know.

I used to think, I think remaining single is good. I thought of 5 years ahead what I will become - but I realise I am stretching the timeline only in terms of appearance, outlook and my appeal. Never a thought about my future. I see myself having clean and nice looking face... ...

Speaking of face. I feel bad whenever I see myself at the mirror. The Volcanic Acne is destroying my life. Its impact is so strong that I would rather not go out and meet people, because I do not want to let people see my face. This is how bad it is.

I am always judged since young from my appearance. My mom always told me, people look your face sure know what your character is. I guess, though it is wrong, it is made right in my mind already. Now, I dare not let people see my right cheek. That's where all the acne gather the troops to overcast the normal cheek, and conquering it with small red hills.

Turmoil. I even prayed to God to stop it. It is wreaking my life.

Which is why, whenever I talk to girls, I am very scared to let people see my face. It is this bad. What to do.

Oh, about the bad timing, I think I will write next time. Not now. I need to rush Critical Thinking and Writing. I must finish everything today.

d i r t - r e n
8:08 PM

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