There are many things in life we always consider. regardless of school work (for me as a student) or your own life (like myself, its the managing of the activities, own spiritual feedings, my own practices on guitars, and my social interactions). Many things in life require great thoughts and care, and definitely you cannot just go there and say - "Heck care lah, we come out with something good enough already".

Precisely. That is what I thought when I play in band.

Anyway, I was performing yesterday, and thought that I was overdoing the showmanship. Reason? I do not know that it was ME playing bass for Radiohead - Creep. I was literally succumbed into the band feel. Other players just look like dead people, but I was playing as if I am committing suicide on stage. (Knelt down and play). It sounded stupid, but that is what I did during RockFest. Very bad attitude. I realise that I can't help but doing it.

I remember always, that I tell my friends - playing in band we need to always work on band feel, and work on tightness. And guess what? I am playing solo onstage regardless how bad it looks. I just WANNA LOOK GOOD! I realise I had been telling a big lie to my friends, telling them that I want good band feel, where in actual fact, I just want to play solo and look good myself alone.

Ouch, Eng Kiat told me that. That hurts. It really hurts.

You know sometimes, when you do something out of the right direction, you would always thought that if no one finds out everything will be fine. But for me, the most hurtful part is when someone knows your true intention.

Well, after one night of sleep, I got a clearer picture myself. I know what I did is wrong. I never humbled myself. I always exalted myself. Trying to act as if I am a good buddy. Cut the crap, RK. You are just another hypocrite.

You see, many things in my life is rather simple, though my friends told me they can't actually judge who I am. Sometimes I am moody, sometimes I am happy-go-lucky, sometimes I don't care the things in the world. Sometimes I would be angry over small things that did not turn up correctly.

Well, here is the solution: I am hypocrite. Somethings I like, some things I don't. But above all, I JUST WANNA GET NOTICED FOR BEING SUPERB! After one night of thought, yeah I think, that is my intention.

Very bad, and I realise it until this morning.

I hope it is not too late to realise this, because if it is, it makes me mad. It will really make me mad.

I remember the few nights when I was alone depressing. After one night, everything seems clearer now.

Bad thought, and I think, it is really time to refrain such thought. For the sake of myself. For God's sake. I know everytime I did all the exalting, I finally realise God is angry. I never thought so. I only realise it now. I hope it is not too late about this. Sincerely.

Then, this morning I received an email from Raffles Hall Orientation Committee (RHOC) Chairperson. Ask us to join back RHOC as officers. Telling us the privilege and the plans. Telling us how important it is to have such committee and such. If I were to be bad boy, I would definitely be the first to reject.

I used to be. I thought, I have to cope with studies. I am in bad shape myself. My studies is not what I expect. I have financial difficulties, I am doing Internship during the holidays, and my parents are objecting this committee. Many things that is against my odds. Definitely I would choose not to join anymore.

I had such thoughts, which is why, initially, when the email came to me, I had this impulsive thought to just reply rejecting her. But then and again. When I heard the pleading, the letter wrote in pathetic notes, saying how desperate they need us, I could not help but feeling bad for RHOC. Had not they did such a thing to use, we will never feel bad about not joining RHOC, and joining RHOC either. I suffer alot. I lost a close friend, I lost a sense of friendliness in the RHOC, and the best thing I learn is to be critical to everyone.

I applied my accomodation stays already. None of them are Raffles Hall. Think it is a good idea? I doubt initially, but I wonder why, after looking at my result of life and my studies, especially when I were to face God now and He asked me, I would say... I hope I make the right decision NOT TO stay in Raffles Hall. It is time to move out. Seriously.

d i r t - r e n
10:58 AM

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