I accidentally deleted this post. So I am re-uploading it.

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A final performance.

No more.

We disbanded.

My decision. Why?

Because there is something else in my life that I think is more important.

Yesterday night, at 10 pm, is the commencement of Band Jam. In Retrospect, playing opening. We were not up to the standard on that time because those songs we chose are the songs we practise recently, 2 days ago.Point is... I was ... skeptic...Actually, yesterday was supposed to be the build up of our band. I thought, with such good chance for us to perform, I want to continue playing in this band.It was such, until the end of our opening.

Our first half. We suck big time. Wrong key. Wrong tune. Wrong groove. I got stunned., I can't see anything on my fretboard, because there is no lighting on stage for us. Everything is disco-pitch-dark.

I came down devastated. I know this is not my best. I know that I screw up, because I did not do well. What I did was just came into band room, and think it through.

Next up was the Final Year Band. Peter Lau played bass. I sat and listened. He faced the same problem, but his positive attitude - be-shackled me.

I was sitting at the side, listening. Sudden thought in my mind. I regretted what I did in the first half.

Then, a sudden adrenaline rush.

I prayed and begged to God"God, I know I did you wrong by trying to show off just now. I am very very sorry... I know I am sincerely wrong. God, make the next line-up an event I will never regret. God, please tell me what to be of me, and let me be doing what I should do."

I do not know what else I prayed, but something stirred inside me.I want to do the best. For the band.

For the last.

That is not what I have in mind at all. I do not know why. But it has a tremendous impact on what I did later on.Our second half, was in total different quality. I am, till today, proud of it. I am really proud of it.

First song. Pieces. A song I always relate to alot. Try to be perfect the song says. And I try.

And I did. 2 months of constant practise with this song. And I believe in Practise makes Perfect policy. Because it did.

Second song. Creep. A song I should not play bass solo. And I did not play. In fact, my showmanship decreases alot compared to my RockFest gig. The 2 songs was our best cover songs.

Third song. Alby, our vocalist, gave the mic to Weiqiang. Weiqiang said something bizarre."I believe you guys want to hear Ren Kang singing right?"

I was surprised big time. He told me he will give me the mic. But not in such style.

"Right guys?"

The audience shouted "No, never. He cannot sing, and he spoils the crowd." And the swearing words came out.I was sad. Obviously. It is the truth. I can't even sing on key, let alone with good feel.

Daniel, our guitarist, sensed some problem. He came up to the mic."Hey, guys, do you know that this will be Ren Kang's final performance in Raffles Hall? He is not going to stay in Raffles Hall anymore, and even if you guys want to listen you guys won't have the chance already."

The guy who I initially feel skeptic to play with, now help me up.God, curse me for being unfriendly to him in the beginning. He is such a nice friend.But God did not do it. In fact, He encouraged me.

"You practised singing this song since last week. You really want to sing it to your earthly father, right? You want to let him know how you feel all along right? Take this as your stage. Let your father know what you want to say."

God whispered all these to me during the performance.

I cried a bit.

I was thankful for the darkness of the stage. If not, audience would have noticed it.

But emotional stir was brought up. I heard TK. "Go for it Ren Kang." I heard Eric Koh. "C'mon Ren Kang". Then ambiguous voices, "Yeah, Ren Kang - c'mon, we wanna hear you"

In the past, whenever I watched live performances, especially final item of bands, I always felt touched, literally, because of the support of the fans.I felt that on stage.

Which is why I cried.

I am very touched by the support of all these friends I know in Raffles Hall. But I have to leave. I made this pact with God, and I am promising Him."Guys, thanks. I really appreciate it. In Retrospect really appreciates it.""I never had stage fright when playing bass. But it is scary to sing.... haha""... I am going to sing this song, which I feel is meaningful to me. I hope you guys would know how to sing along with me. And please help me if I do not know how to sing. Thanks guys"

Amazing applause. I really thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart."

This song is called Perfect. By Simple Plan".

The whole song works out fine. Really. It never turn this well before, even during the practise. I am very proud of yesterday's Perfect. And, most important:While I was singing chorus. 'Cuz we've lost it all...', I heard it.

The audience.

They sang along.

Had it not for my will to continue singing, I would have broken down and cried. I am very touched. Sincerely. Yeah, I know I sounded like a wimp, but... do you know that X-Japan, the whole band, wept when they perform for their last touring live in Budokan on 1992? I can feel the same thing.

I am really proud of my friends who came down to support Raffles Hall bands, regardless of senior, junior, Minor Vibes or In Retrospect.It was great. It was an honour.

Fourth song. Weiqiang took back the mic. He sang another song from Simple Plan - Crazy. I helped him sang some of the part of the song. A little screw up, because I can't see my bass very well. But... the feel is fine.

Fifth song. Our last. Our best. Closing Time by Semisonic. Alby took back the mic. We did wonderful that day, just that I did not do my ending solo. My cable dropped. Actually, I don't mind. I think God told me. I have done enough of my showmanship. Time to give credit to the other band members.

Weiqiang later invited Evan to do guest-appearance for our last. HIM with the song The Wicked Game.

Oh yeah, previously, we do invite Rachel to perform Cake - I Will Survive. This song is very very difficult. My bass line is super complicated, and that I play until my hand felt numb. Haha...

Speaking of Rachel, she actually helped back me up when I was singing Perfect. I remembered hearing her saying, "He actually put alot of effort in trying to get the right key for himself for this song. He put extra effort just to make sure his voice hit the right key. Give him some credit."

I thanked Eric for saying, "Ren Kang rocks." It remains in my heart forever.

Later on is the Minor Vibes. I can't take it anymore.

I need to go back.

I went back to my room. Get ready for shower. In the shower, that is the time I wept."God, I thanked You for making this event such a memorable day to me."

Sudden rush of thought told me something. I would like to perform again, but I know I can't. I have other priorities which I neglected. Relationship with God. Relationship with friends. Relationship with parents and siblings. Relationship with my cousins. Homework. Studies. Spiritual refinement. I have neglected all these. I have forgotten how important all these meant to me. I have forgotten them all.

That is when a sudden thought came to me. I should quit music totally. Or should I?I was scared, because music is the best of what I can expressed as myself in my life. If I were to quit music and start afresh, there is alot to work on.I choose, however, to go through hardship. 2 years in Raffles Hall, and I am not learning anything. I am not growing. Most importantly, I am refraining myself.

I need to grow up. I told myself.

Which is why, I wept for quitting music as mainstream of my life. I wept.

Thanks to Joanna (Joanna Ting, not the hall Joanna). I talked to her and listen to her alot. Somehow I feel, there is still some close friends who care about how I progressed so far.

At least, I am not alone in struggles with God.

There is still more to come in the near future... but anyway, I got accepted an offer to go Kuok Foundation House. I need to reconsider my future now. Tough.

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Some spammer disturb this post, so I thought I would just take out the comment segment. But I was too in a hurry, so I deleted this whole post. Luckily, there is a saved document somewhere in my computer.

Anyway, I am going for interview today at 4 pm. See how loh. I now intend to just give it my best shot to God. If God says I should not do this work, then let it be. I am now giving Him the cue of my life.

Ren Kang

d i r t - r e n
3:08 PM

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