I have such thoughts once: if a person is rather cold to anybody, how would it be like? How would that person response when he meet with just anybody, regardless of friends, strangers, family, spouses (if he/she has in the first place).

Today, I unexpectedly met with this guy, the emotionless man i would call. Name him X.

He was a bit skeptic when it comes to proficiency. He demands skill and talents. He demands good thing out of me. When I was asking him about my Japanese Studies, Sino-Japanese relations essay, my part regarding the Cold-War reconciliation, he exclaimed in a monotonous remark: "This is not good enough. Do something".

When I was playing guitar today (I have not been playing long hour guitars for a long time.), I asked him how I am, is there any improvement. He would just reply: "Not there yet. I don't even approve Eric Clapton. Why you?"

I was slightly overjoyed when I receive a call from XXX (read my previous entry - just below) that I was given a second chance. I tried, and I realised how accomodative XXX is. XXX told me indirectly that I was allocated into this company, and XXX would not want to give me up. I am obviously happy, but when I asked X about this, all he could say was: "You sure you can do the job there? I doubt you could".

I talked to Zhu Yan alot just now. I haven't talked to her for a long time. She is one of my closest friend in hall. She helped me through alot. And this time around, I was happy that we actually chatted a bit. The feeling is relieved, after staring at the computer and books for 1 month. I told X how relieved I was to have relaxed and come to study after a few instant, all he could say is: "Man, what is going wrong with you? Exam is less than 2 weeks time, and you still got time to chit-chat with your friends?"

I sometimes do not like him. He pisses me off alot. He thought he was the boss of everything. He thought that he could manipulate me by letting me know what should be done.

You would think: If I don't like him that much, why don't I just ignore him?

I would say: What if that person is the guy inside your heart, your mind, your soul?

What if that guy is YOU?

I struggles with the other personality everytime. Early in the morning, I want to believe it is a good day. I really want to. But The X-Man says "No, it is just another day. You got to do what is supposed to be done weekly."

Recently it lurks alot. I have problems trying to decide what to do this coming holiday. I really want to do more of spiritual growth, at a point of time, since I wouldn't get a job at A*Star company, might as well do some own characteristics growth. But the problem arises when 'evaluation' came from Mr. X

"What is the point? You better go back home. No money worries. Aren't you facing with financial difficulties now? Then going back home would be good. No worries, you stay back home for 3 months, relax. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? Just do what YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. Why wasting time waiting for something that might not work. Worst, why you want to try pub guitarist in the first place? You can't play, and I have never thought you could play, and you already know you can't play, so why bother?"

Believe me or not, these are the things that was repeated in my mind, like a Repeat One function in Mp3 players. I really got screwed up by this Mr. X. ... yeah, me myself.

I don't know what to say. Darn the guy who allows split personality. I should have banned him and let him know: "There is no such thing as perfect life dude. Give me a break".

Yeah, I am still struggling with it. Give me some time. Tranquiliser will help alot. Yeah, very much.

d i r t - r e n
1:05 AM

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