A problem in our life. We thought we are good. We thought we are great. When we did know that the screw up happened a minute before. Sounded absurb. But this is human nature.

2 things: Choice and commitment

Remember the time when you say, you promise you want to be good, then end up having to lie your way through, just to make sure you get through it? Haha, there are such times.

Remember the time when you say, you want to make this choice, cause your supposed evaluation told you that you need to do this, but when a better choice come out, you supposed change your mind. Well, of course, depend on what the better choice is. If not, don't you think these two points say the same thing? You break your promise.

Who cares whether is it from you yourself, or your promise with other people? Breaking promise is still breaking promise.

I happen to see that recently.

I was choosing the hostel application, which one is going to be my next place of residence. I told myself before hand, I am going to stay outside. No matter what. I don't want to screw my life with internet access again. It is pretty bad because I am addicted to it.

Out of fun came trauma. I happened to browse through my choices of hall applications. Guess what? I got Kuok Foundation House. Guess what? That place is 1 inch away from Raffles Hall. Guess what? That place is as near to Engineering Faculty as Raffles Hall. And guess what? That place is where I always wanted to be since my cousin stayed there 4 years ago.

I was stunned for a few moments. What the hell?

I felt like being fooled around. Now, a better choice for me came up. Then, come alot of evaluations. Hey, staying Kuok is so much better. No more hall commitments. No more activities. No one to care what activities you are going to do. You can mix with whatever friends you have. You can have your own sleeping hour. You can have your own day and night all by yourself. You can go internet at any time you like.

There comes all the excuses to say: Hey Kuok is better than my grandma's house. Heck care grandma's house.

I always thought how fast human beings change their thought. I felt it first hand. What more, I learned so fast and I applied it on the spot. So fast. Next click, I confirm the application.

This morning I woke up with a premonition. Why am I being hypocrite? Just say that you don't want to stay at Raffles Hall because you don't like Raffles Hall. Is that difficult?

It comes very hard that I wonder why it became the first thing in my mind, especially this morning.

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it isn't. But I realise it is true. My friends say recently I am hyper. Everyday I am counting the days of me leaving hall. Or rather, exam and hall. What is going on with me?

I am really... I felt bad saying this, but I think I am being truthful to myself. I felt myself underperform, regardless of academic strivation, friendships, and most importantly, nurturing my own self. I am succumbing to pressures of 'Please join this, please join that', while I am in Raffles Hall. Other halls either, but I never thought that I got such strong thoughts.

But then and again. I guess I am bad.

Another thing: the band 'In Retrospect'. Recently, Tommy See Tho told me about the band stuff after Band Jam. He told me that the band is wasted to have me gone. He told me the band is good, and raw enough. And sure enough, he said that we could have won JamX competition if we presevere. For the sake of convincing me, he jammed with me, with Mel and Gerald.

Funny thing is. I actually complied to what he said, despite making a decision to pass out and disband.

I was sure that band is wasting my time, but my desire to play guitar and bass never stopped. 15 minutes to master Sick Cycle Carousel - Lifehouse. Then my neighbour, Kao Jie, invited me to try taking up as a pub guitarist at a cafe in Plaza Singapura. Hark Music. I check the web. This is not for me. I am way too lousy for their standard. But my neighbour said that I am good enough.

Oh man. Suddenly all these urge of playing in band, playing music comes back. Again, I broke the promise of stopping music once and for all.

This is bad. Really bad.

I broke two major promises. Nothing works. And it sees some effects.

I am very behind lectures. I am now in depressed mode when it comes to relationships. My mom sensed it few weeks ago. She asked me if I ever like any girl in my campus.

I told my mom. "Studies are like mad already. I cannot concentrate. I cannot even breathe properly".

Mom agreed. But then, she realised that it is wrong to think that I cannot breathe properly.

She asked me. "Don't you have anyone you like currently?"

"Mom, I told you, I really got no time to think. I think even when I work, I will still be the same."

She was stunned. "I don't want you to marry late, because that is really bad for your future."

"Future? Mom, I think I should tell you earlier, but I never intend to marry or whatever. At least not now. So many things to think of. My studies. My working-related stuff. I got rejected my internship."

"Ren Kang... is studying in Singapore so tough?"

"No, it is not. But I choose to make it tough. Because I cannot make it easy."

"Please, son. I don't want to see you remain single until very late. Very bad for you. At least, be attracted."

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I lost all the zeals, not because I am not being attracted to someone. Ask any of my Raffles Hall friends. They know me. Any girl of my type would be subjected to comedic rumour. Any. That's right. Any.

But one for sure. I am so critically rationalising alot of the 'love factor'. I thought, is it possible to find a christian girlfriend? Am I being able to commit to a relationship?

Haha, when I thought of the first 2 questions I laughed at myself.

Talking about Christian girlfriend when you are yet still part of the church members sounded far fetched. I never consider that going for other church females. It is virtual impossible for me. Because I am not the type who would go for adventures. So is the same with non-Christians. But I admit, I like the sensation of fantasising us together, regardless of who the girl is.

Commitment? HAHAHAHA. Don't talk about commitment with girlfriend. I can't even commit to myself. Ask me to find a time to be quiet and think about life through? Not a chance. I can't even commit to my work. Ask me to do homework? Never. I can't even commit to my friends. You wil be surprised that most of the time I am the type who I will approach the friend if I got problems. Sharing session? Not a chance. Unless you are my close friend.

And even as close friends, you ask them. Either he/she comes to me when got something to share, or I go to them. But that's about that. To say really enjoy once a week talking together or 'dating' that will be atrocious. Never got a chance. I am the guy who likes sleeping, watching adult anime (not porn related, most of the time the violent and political ones, like Gantz and Ghost in the Shell). And if you want to talk about what kind of stuff that I am committed to do? Be lazy. That is what I can do best.

So sometimes. I realise. If I can't do all these things properly, don't even bother to look for a girl. I am this bad. Very bad.

Sorry. Today I was not in good mood. Although I won 6 matches in social Bridges during tea time. It doesn't cheer my heart at all. I am pissed off. Totally.

Not because of the things above. But just that... I hate myself for not being the right self.

d i r t - r e n
8:09 PM

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