Had there been days when you thought, how boring and how meaningless your life is?

I had, and sadly, it was on this lively Saturday.

I went out to look for a replacement phone, again this time in Lucky Plaza, after Huiling told me to go and try out. Nevertheless, I thought that since I am free, why not give it a try.

I was already in Lucky Plaza when I suddenly had this thought: Why do I choose to be lone ranger all the time?

I looked around the people. All are not alone. Even if they are, I noticed that they have a reason: Most of them are looking for friends, or buying important items, because they are in a hurry. Rarely there are people like me who will go window shopping.

And, for the first time, after so many years of going out alone, I thought a lot, and I realize how much I have wasted my ‘friends’ hang-outs’.

There are times when my friends invited me to go out with them. Initially it was bad because I hate to go out with people.

Recently the season of loneliness overtook my entire self. It was pretty bad. I lost my soul to lone rangers. And now I am part of it.

I felt very ugly.

After a few rounds of walking, I had enough. I felt very lousy walking in the middle of a busy shopping centre feeling lonely.

Evening time, I stayed back in my room. Put in deep thought: then the ultimate question came;

What have I been doing to my life?

I looked at what I have done recently, and frankly speaking, I am not proud of it.

It is not productive. Useless. Everyday I work then I come back, then I go online, chat for a while, then I go sleep.

Weekend I just rest. Not even bothered to learn or take a book to read.

This questioned came when I thought of how much I have missed in my life, for not meeting my friends and have a chat. I should initiate a hangout, not waiting for my friends.

Meaning: I should not shut myself of the people outside.

This suddenly gave me thought: My dad was a product of that.

For years, he had planted a seed of distrust on his group of friends. None of them are trustworthy according to him. And the same is the same. There is no friend according to him.

This is why, whenever my friends came over during my secondary school days, he is very unhappy. He would give comments saying things that hurt me a lot. Like: are these friends asking of you to give them something?

Actually, I don’t want to say this: it is not a right thing to dig the past and blame yourself for being the product of the past.

Which is why I decided: Mix around with friends often, get to know them. At least to the very fundamental: Life is about relations.

I called many of my friends from hall, they all are busy with FLOAT. In the end, I remembered Hui Min. A girl I have not chatted for a long time. So I sms-ed her. Instead, she called me as a reply. She is sweet and a good friend to me too.

Maybe I crapped to much, but I think I will get a MP3 player first, before getting a replacement phone. Wait till my income reached 800 before I spend. Maybe this is a good idea.

d i r t - r e n
11:26 PM

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