I had a bad dream few nights ago. It is about band music.

I left the dream of playing band. In the end, I opt to become full time engineer.

Found a good wife, found a good life.

Everything is stable. But that is the problem.

I remained as a non-active member of my church in Singapore. Me and my wife helped out occasionally for church. But never in music.

For I said to myself, according to my dream: that 2 years ago, while I was a third year of Electrical Engineer, that I want to remain as calm, and as simple as possible. Meaning, I want to be a normal person living in a normal life.

Near the end of the dream, I saw something about myself. The story ended in non-chalant note. I died contributing nothing.

I woke up with a fear. Extreme fear. But I dare not say it.

Today, this morning to be precise, I found the courage.

I realise how important it is not to shield one's talent from spreading to help those in needs.

Ever wonder why many people like Superheroes? Think about it. Even for just a while of a fantasy.

Would you ever hunger for a moment of being the person who has the ability of saving the world. Let's be honest: Who never fantasise about being one? If you deny, 2 reasons: one: you are an adult, and your critical analysis tells you that it is not possible. Hence you gave up the hope; or two: you are lying/not honest with yourself.

Be frank, I was like the both people in different stage of life. In fact, I was a super turn-off towards these Superheroes thing.

Until that night. Something must have struck me very hard. Very very hard.

I be frank: I had a talent. I don't have a good one. I had only a raw 'One Talent'. To play music. I sucks in singing, yeah I know.

But I can play. And be frank, I was like: I can't help saying this, but how would you feel when you can listen the song in dissecting motion? Like, you can actually feel the scales - you can actually groove the beat through the song, worst: I can listen the feel and try to figure out the chords. Most of the time I did.

Music has now become part of my life.

I opted to play in church band rather than in pub band, because I thought of the consequence of playing in pub rather than in church band. Though both allows me room for improvement, in pub, I might be thought the bad things.

Anyway, back to this:

As much as I want to deny myself music, I felt torn apart whenever doing it. I really felt that. No joke.

Today, I sent an email, expressing my interest in continuing the now-defunct band of mine. In Retrospect.

Well, now-defunct is the right word.

Founding member Wei Qiang is busy with Daniel with FLOAT in Raffles Hall. For those who doesn't understand: It is something like Chingay way.

Only Wei Qiang expressed the interest to continue playing for In Retrospect. He admitted that going in and out of the band is inevitable, but he wants to stay on.

Alby hasn't replied me yet, but he told me he will talk about band music some time this week.

Kelvin is pursuing Christian music in his church band.

Justin is game for my prospect. So far, he is the only one who regularly updates me.

I am auditioning for one more guy, he is a vocalist. He is interested for short-term jamming, so I will have to see how we gel.

I am waiting also for a female vocalist. She is my favorite, because she can sing ballads with dark theme songs: my favorite choice of musics.

Frankly speaking: the more I tried to avoid talking music, the more I felt myself torn apart.

This is the excerpt of what I expressed in the email:

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Be frank, the forming of this band, and the road ahead, is mainly by him. He has wanted to see a future of our band so much. I am motivated by his attitude, which is why I am trying to advocate and push our band alot. Kelvin, realising the potential of full commitment, decided that he should prioritise which band to play. I can totally respect his choice, which is why I did not pursue him and convince to play for us, despite the fact by many of my friends that he should continue play in our band. Justin see the same thing either, and he chose to stick in our band and walk along this possibility of future with me.

Due to the fact that Alby is busy with his work, Wei Qiang and Daniel busy with their Float, so far I only receive update from Justin alone. Of course, I have been asking some of my friends who played in band if they are interested in playing for me. Most of them are either too busy with their lifes, or they do not have the same chemistry we had for our band. So, this is what I have in mind: We had a hard time getting each of us together. It is hard to gel and be able to play as tight as how we manage to do during Rockfest. (I don't know if you guys have any feedbacks, but I felt that that night of performance, we are the tightest among other bands)

I will be honest for this. For many months I have been doing alot of deep thoughts. I shared this because I think it is best if we can listen up and talk about this honestly. I am no longer bothered if we are playing for some hall obligation or whatsoever. I am very hyped up about playing band, at least as part-timer. Playing in 2 years' is a benchmark I am intending to set on myself. I can't forget about the experience we had. It was a moment of magic.

Band-wise, we can restart again I thought. I never feel that our band is losing out. We are just looking for cooling period, because that night, when I hear how Wei Qiang told us, me and Daniel of our band prospect, and me personally listening to his point of view about band-playing, I am definitely sure that he is serious about playing band. If not, I believe he won't spend his money on Distortion Box sets, and VOX amp for the fun of it. Me either.

Undeniably, band members coming in and out is inevitable. We can't stop people from leaving our band due to their commitment. I am respectful for this. But I will stick to this band, no matter what, because my liking for this band, and the forming of this band, and the prospect of this band, has become part of my life.

This is what I have in mind, and I would voice it out. No hurry bout talking bout this, but I am saying what I have to say.

Ren Kang


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Be frank, if you want to compare me with those who played music even in leisure term, they are so much better than me. For I am totally self-taught.

But: I really don't want to live with regret that my talent of music ends up being a waste.

Don't you feel scared? I do. Serious.

d i r t - r e n
8:35 PM

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