There are actually times when you thought how bad your life could be.

Recalling your past, especially of those which you wish never happened. That could be very bad.

Sometimes, it is not about how much you want to forget about them. It is more of how much you learn through all these setbacks.

It took me 2 years to fully comprehend what Gary told me, one night of deep sharing - about relationships. He told me there is no hope in asking G to be my girlfriend. He told me frankly that she is using me, rather than befriending me as her good friend, who I see potentially to be my girlfriend.

That day, he actually shared very much of how he worked things out, after the failure of his first girlfriend. His family.

I never know the weight of his advise to me: cherish and love your family. You will realise how important it is.

In fact, for many years, I never take his word seriously. I still had the behatred thought of my dad. I still dislike my mom's nagging.

Recently, I realise, when you have been through so many difficulties, you start to cherish them.

I don't know why, I start to miss my mom's cooking, and my dad. It seems so weird.

Few years ago, I was agonisingly trying to get out of the hometown circle and wanted so badly to go out and see the world.

Now I wanted so badly to come back to hometown and to see them.

Life is really.... amazing.

And for the first time, I never thought how much I miss my mom. I am... falling for my mom again.

There are times when you were so emotionally thirsty, you would just find any girl to fall in love to. I was like that, when I was trying to find some girls to love in my university.

In the end, I realise, it is still a long way to go.

Now that I am a 3rd year student, I began to understand life a lil' better.

I actually regarded Gary as the closest buddy I ever have in my life, because of all the friends I ever had, he taught me life most. Well, except for some bad examples from me, I guess we make up as good buddies. He doesn't mind me being close to him at certain times.

There are times when I was falling out of love. He respect my privacy, and let me be alone.

There are times when I was sick. He came and bring me back to room and rest.

There are times when I was sad after the test. He was the first to comfort me and encourage. In fact, he eased me alot with his 'nonsensical analysis of how other people might screw up'. I like his analysis anyway.

He moved out when I continued staying in year 2. I had no one to check. There is Martin though, but because we were only neighbours, he could not keep in check with me often.

By 3rd year, I will be staying in Kuok Foundation House. Away from hall activities is one thing, but it is more towards own commitment for spiritual enpowerment. I need to grow well, after all these nonsense. I made myself accountable to a friend in Kuok Foundation, so that he can come and visit me often to check how I am.

But in the end, I will never forget what Gary told me once, when I was in the lowest end of my life.

"You got to be responsible for your life."

I read an article somewhere too. It says:

"It is your choice to stump yourself with rubbish and bad moods. It is your choice to enlighten yourself with happiness and gaity. You make the choice. You are not forced to."

So I have decided.

After long struggle, perhaps it is time that I do something worthwhile. At least, I should start to be more responsible to my own well being. And not giving excuse for it.

Well, I am pretty sure there are many chances out there if you want to grab it. Gary got a NOKIA JAPAN internship, and then a student exchange programme because he is sure of what he wants, and he really is responsible of how he wants his life to be.

Rebuan, my another close buddy who study the same course with me, decides that he really needs to venture into the world to see what Electrical Engineering is about. Siemens is his choice, after many attempts of applying for internships.

I failed a few, and because I am not a risk-takers, I decided not to try outside, nor did I try some factories that the school recommend.

But the thought of how meaningless my life struck me hard. I could not just sit there doing nothing.

Gary told me a few advises. I thought of myself quite alot either.

In the end, I decide. Try out for the last breath.

That is how I got this job.

Kah Liat, my another close friend, taking the same course, used to tell me that I am very anxious about everything.

I realise he is right. Because I am not a risk-takers.

After much thought. I realise, I should not.

It has been a deep thought for the past few months. I felt my life melancholic, nonchalant. Sometimes I would ponder this one very important question: What have I been doing in my life?

I am totally not proud of having my story being published. I am not proud of saying how meaningful my life is.

So I decided.

1. I have a talent in music. I want to fully utilise it. I really one. Performing arts is what comes to my mind

2. I decided that I would dare myself to study the toughest: Signal Processing. This is the module that I enjoy the most, and most probably is my best. Although other modules like Micro-electronics may seem to be an easier module, I realise I am no good with it. I am born to try Signal Processing. I can feel it. Feel free to laugh.

3. I want to learn to mix around with people. I am an introvert. I don't want to remain one.

4. I want to be a changed man, a man full of confidence, and not anxiety. God, change me.

This blog post is dedicated to Gary, Rebuan and Kah Liat, for being my good EEE and CPE friends all along. Thanks Gary especially, you changed my life and my view of life in Singapore completely.

d i r t - r e n
11:30 PM

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