~R. K. © ~ Confessional of a Teenage Dirtbag

Been a long time

2008-05-06T15:44:00.001+08:00

It's been a long time man

No intention to leave this blog actually, but my previous semester (which has just passed me by) was flocked with so many commitments that I was overwhelmed with little time to spend on things I want to spend on.

Anyway, how have you guys been? Found a job? Got a place to stay?

I will take my time off this time around. Haven't rested for 2 years straight. Now is the time.

Job hunt, I will reveal soon. Haha. Trying to be mysterious.

Place to stay - still uncertain. Hope for the best for though.

So yeah, for me its still quite uncertain myself. Bleh.

Upcoming schedule

2008-01-05T08:15:00.000+08:00

For the rest of December, I hardly had the time to rest. So that's why I don't put up the remaining part of my schedules.

January. First the bidding of the modules, then the doing of the FYP. Next, will be the band stuff. Then the job interviews.

I am not sure to do what work yet. Long story.

Holiday season

2007-12-07T19:21:00.000+08:00

8 December - Going with Eng Kiat (my band's Eng Kiat, not the Architecture Eng Kiat) to buy new guitar and interface

10 December to 15 December - Bible Study Camp

16 December - Report change, presentation preparation for FYP CA2

17 December - Submission and presentation for FYP CA2

18 December - Move to Raffles Hall for holiday

I am trying to be accommodating to this schedule.

Late Late Late late update

2007-10-17T13:13:00.000+08:00

Been heavily busy with stuff, yeah, trust me. And that's why I have left my blog for couple of months (wow, that's long!)

Anyway, been trying to adjust to the new place, be honest. Marine Parade is good except for the traveling time. And because it is far from school, that sucks a bit. But yeah, guess it is fine for now. Though, having early classes don't really help me much. Imagining waking up at 630 am just to get to the 9 am class.

Another update, I joined Guitar CAC, because I reckoned that if I cannot do full time music industry stuff (like for example, composing song for my band, or sound engineering, or even producing an album) - at least by joining Guitar CAC, I have enjoyed my final year playing and performing in band (just for nostalgic purpose). And yeah, I am hooked up with a bunch of real good players, and coincidentally like-minded musicians who shared the same vision as I have. Which I thought was very good. Playing in band has never been this fun actually. No offense to my previous band members, but really, when you have a bunch of players who can play whatever (and really, whatever), you could jam anything without much hassle.

Lastly, school studies haven't been well. Because of my sickness last 2 weeks (I am inflicted a type of sickness called Cough-Variant-Asthma, which will take up to a month or two to heal - because of the early Asthma syndrome - doctor says it can be healed) so I did not go for school for the first week. And my final year project was left in a stall. And it was pretty bad, though still able to produce result. Just pray that I can go through this rough patch.

Be honest, I feel like going to graduate soon. When I graduate, I have decided not to do mainstream electrical engineering. I am planning to backtrack to doing sound engineering in Mediacorp, just to get exposure, but not sure if I got the opportunity or not. I could start at smaller company if it is difficult. But main thing is that through those experience, in 2-3 years time, I am able to start producing album. Need it fast man. Hehe.

I owed Gary my demos of the album that I drafted a few months back. I will put them up, Gary, wait for me. Now is not the time.

LONG BUSY TIME

2007-07-22T14:14:00.000+08:00

Doing some follow up on my FYP. I got a funky project.

Connecting people with the movie they love.

A total programming project - I think, with a added motivation for the now famous company based in US - Netflix.

And also, some studying on my current module for my special semester: Genes And Society.

By the way, I am staying at Marine Parade now.

Song

2007-05-17T19:26:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the long long delay.

Been doing band recording so far. There are alot of things about this band album that we are coming that we want to talk about, but for now I will upload a song, and hope you guys can give me feedback on the song. The vocalist sucks, because I am the one singing, but other than that please give feedbacks to me.

Epiphany of a Misery - REN

EXILE POST

2007-05-07T14:39:00.000+08:00

Hey, so sorry for not being able to update as much as I could.

Been having horribly busy semester. And the worst part is - after the semester, I am even busier!

FYP project proposal is rejected, but I saw some along the line projects proposed by my other supervisors. I am thinking of taking them. One of the them has got to do with IPOD. Go figure out. It seems interesting.

Otherwise, I think I want to stick to playing my own band. Even if I want to contribute as a musician for other purpose, probably I will play acoustic guitar, occasionally as a rhythm player. Perhaps not as a lead player now. I don't feel like playing lead. But if I am in my band, I will probably play bass more. I am more into slap funk pop bass recently, that incorporate with metal. Yeah, funk metal bass.

Otherwise, I am fine. Oh yeah, I am staying in Raffles Hall now, and the upcoming semester I don't think I have the chance to stay in campus, but I will look 'n see if there are any vacancy available around the Raffles Hall area. Worst come to worst, I will stay outside. I don't think that is a problem actually.

Updates

2007-04-14T08:58:00.000+08:00

Into reading week.

First exam: 23rd - Making Sense of Society [I am doing the readings now, and still in Week 7 - although I hopped from different kind of chapters, depending on my interest]

Second exam: 30th - Thinking, Reasoning and Inquiry [haven't really studied yet, but I S/U the module. So I am doing on the pass/fail basis.]

Then I will still be in Singapore to do Special Term.

And I will be busy with band, maybe. Recently I have been trying to change the songs that I composed previously into piano-based. Hope that I can upload them soon.

Late

2007-04-02T13:01:00.000+08:00

Hey, thanks Yujun for dropping by to ask how I am.

Actually, that post wasn't meant to scare off people. It is just a figurative expression to say how much my workload caused me to think about leaving school. But now, everything is done, so don't worry about me.

Now, after EE2001, I am alot more free compared to before. However, that doesn't mean I will stop by and just do nothing. There are alot of other things to settle as well - like my Self-Proposed FYP, my Special Sem loan extension, and not forgetting the final exams coming up soon - meaning I got to study.

So don't worry much bout me. I am living fine.

Busy week

2007-03-08T09:49:00.000+08:00

Been busy with alot of things, and also having alot of tough times. Will not elaborate now.

Just to update - I did not get any of my VIP, I failed my presentation for some projects, and now I am in the middle of application to quit NUS.

2007-01-12T23:34:00.000+08:00

It has been a while. I am sorry that I did not update this blog often. However, I did warn you guys that I won't be updating this page often. (Some people actually asked why I have not been updating this blog. ;)

Anyway, I have been extremely busy with school work. This semester, I am taking 2 heavy weight modules. Project works and currently, my working place demands alot of our attention. We are shifting to a new working place, so we need to supervise the moving, and also re-update the database of the place. And additional to being student officer for those who approach us for help in English language and facilities. Man, this semester I gonna die, and it is going to be the beginning of a nightmare.

Thanks to Yan Chang who actually reminded me something very important. I need to update my module declaration, and also make sure I don't make the mistake of simply taking module without considering the condition for graduation. I nearly hit the mark of going wrong, but thanks to Yan Chang, I actually got another alternative.

Band-wise, I think I will be quite inactive, except of course, my occasional help for Qi Hang in his cafe. Probably next time I will update about this cafe here, to advertise his cafe. I am not going to help up with playing as a guitarist in recent dates, but I will try to do some gigs after I settled down my University years. As for my school gig, currently I am waiting for an invitation from this guy called Ryan, a nice looking guy who had experience in band studio recording and such. He is looking for serious band sessionist for studio recording. I am genuinely interested to play alongside with him.

This semester, I am going to be rather quiet. I hope you guys don't mind if I am 'in hiatus' in this blog for a long time. ;) Take care guys!

2006-12-29T11:54:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating this blog for a long time...

Anyway, Christmas has been fine and great for me, although there are some minor hiccups in the service itself. And the flood and the taiwan earthquake is making me quite sad. Plus the connection error due to the earthquake - they are making things difficult to get online to update my blog.

Anyway, have a good week ahead. New Year is coming.

2006-11-27T13:15:00.000+08:00

Updates

27th Nov to 6th Dec

Exam time.

7th Dec to 10th Dec

Work in school and play guitar at my friend's cafe in Malaysia. Debutting on that weekend.

11th to 16th Dec

A Bible Study camp in Port Dickson

17th Dec

Jocelyn's farewell party in Malaysia. She is going to Singapore to study in on of the JCs.

18th Dec till 20+ Dec

Staying in Singapore - working on band and songs. Free jamming. Practise on my bass.

26th Dec to 4/5th Jan

Back to Malaysia. Work at my friend's cafe as a pub guitarist/solo bassist

6th Jan onwards

Study time, recruiting projectmates and discuss about the project 'Smart Home'. Bao Lei and me will look for one each.

Not sure if any of these holds or not. Just to update those who haven't heard anything about me.

Dedications

2006-11-21T09:08:00.000+08:00

To Gary:

Hey dude, how have you been? Yeah, just a random coincident that I know her. So don't worry. By the way, the project EE3001, how are we going to work together? I am a bit lost leh, you haven't said anything about it at all... By the way, can let me know specifically when are you coming back?

To Li Ying:

Hey lady, it might take a while for me to get the work found for you. They all are in exam - festive. So you got to wait a while before I can confirm with you. Is that alright? Sorry lady.

To Yu Jun:

Hope you are doing fine in, hmmm... SV? Do update us about your work there.

To IN RETROSPECT:

I am sorry to announce, I decided to not play for IN RETROSPECT anymore. It is hard to still be committed in a defunct place. Let's do free jamming some other time, shall we?

To others:

Now in a exam season. Probably won't be back even after the exam. Will be busy until 17 December. By then, I may be back home in Malaysia, celebrating Christmas with my family perhaps - still thinking how to celebrate this time around, or which church to attend the Christmas service. Singapore one or Malaysia one? Yeah

2006-11-10T06:33:00.000+08:00

Haven't update much.

Sorry about the songs. The bandwidth supporting these songs are gone. If you guys want, you can go to my band website: I N R E T R O S P E C T (now defunct).

Anyway, for updates - been so busy with projects and studies. Nothing much happening actually.

December I will be back home for a few days, then going off for a Bible Study camp, then after that probably on and off - since I need to help up with my work in Singapore. A bit busy though ;)

That's all for now. Good luck guys for your upcoming exams!!

2006-10-20T16:56:00.000+08:00

This is for JUSTIN, JESSE, GUAN JIE, KASSIM, ALBY, WEI QIANG, JIAN MING, JOCELYN, ANDRIANA, and those who are keen on listening to my composed songs.

After 4 months of waiting, I finally recorded them into MP3 format. The quality is extremely lousy (noise is very apparent), so I hope you guys won't mind about the noisiness of the song.

These are the songs. They are just instrumental version, there is no vocal, so you guys have to think about the feel.

1. Forgiven

Detail:

I wrote this song on the night when I wanted to commit suicide. The first week of July. I felt that I have lived a useless life. So I am basically asking if there is a forgiveness in me from God.

2. To Live

Detail:

Losely speaking, it is about how I react to a friend's good friend's death. Then, there is a part whereby I felt a strong conviction, because I had a horrible nightmare the night after I ticked the friend of mine off. In the end, the song sounded very prog rock bluesy.

3. Spotlight misery

Detail:

I am sorry to disappoint you, but this song is just a random one. I felt that the riff that I coincidentally discover sounded very nice, so I intended to put it for a go. But Alby liked it alot, so he decided he wants to try out this song. I will try doing it as a Unplugged session, with another lead guitarist.

* Disclaimer: All these songs are VERY VERY RAW. I did not practise before hand to do them. I just play them so that those interested can give me feedback if the song progressions are nice or not. Any feedbacks are welcome.

* Disclaimer: These songs are purely instrumental. There is no vocal, nor any voice to lead. All are done within one simple classical guitar: Yamaha C - 310. If you guys think the quality sucks, thanks, cause I am using a computer mic to do it.

2006-10-14T09:30:00.000+08:00

A plan that comes to my mind suddenly today:

I am going to book the Kuok Foundation House room during the December holiday. Mainly for band purpose

1. I am going to ask Jesse to convince him to put his drum set in my room. Or he can opt to book a single room, so that he can put the drum set, and of course, we can jam.

2. I will ask Wei Qiang to loan me his guitar, guitar effects and amp. At least, I can make my room 'Studio-like' facility room.

3. I will need to have a computer that has a plug-ins. I am still sourcing around, to see if anyone has a iMac to borrow. At least - loan. We need to do some heavy Garage Band Studio mixing.

4. For the beginning week, I will definitely kick myself high by tabbing my composed songs into Guitar Pro 5 - problem is that it is instrumental, and there is only a classical guitar to fill in. Later on, I will be away for a Bible Study camp and also work in my school.

5. We will start jamming in my room once everything is settled. However, there will be some problems for other instrumentalist. They need to bring their own amps. Which is not easy. I have mine, but that is just for bass. The drummer is a loud drummer. His sound may overcast mine. Hence, I think it would be best if I have the drumset with Jesse to work out the percussion of our songs, while Justin work on how to harmonize with the piano - while I work on guitar riffs and finally - the bass.

All these occurs to me while I was preparing to study my Image Processing papers. How funny could this be?

2006-10-13T11:35:00.000+08:00

Having a tough time:

I have been procastinating - well , can't be helped - I think I made this blog looks too attractive that I can't help not resisting this blog.

Anyway some updates:

1. I got to work for December holidays, because we are shifting to new place (The previous place for Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music becomes the Centre of English Language Communication centre).

2. 2 lab assignments due - EE2007 (Microprocessor) - doing a display of time and date; and EE3101 (Digital Signal Processing) - doing many different kind of filters to throw of noises detected (the sound you get everytime from radio and CDs are clear because of these stuff that we are designing)

3. I have some personal issues that has made me become someone who is a slacker - which is not a good thing. Please watch me up. If I tend to slack, kick my butt!

4. Relationship with God is not good. I have been focusing too much on my own thang.

5. Studies have not been good. I tend to procastinate alot, and now I don't even have the time to study for what I have learned this week.

So what I am going to do about it is that: Study first - blogging comes later. I like the design of the blog, but I got nothing to blog about. Hehe.

By the way - I may not be buying a MP3 soon. I promised myself (the important person is not going to buy for me already) that if I can manage to improve from third class to second lower, I will buy myself either an Ipod Nano, or the Sony Network Walkman. Both 2 Gb and around 250.

2006-10-12T13:46:00.000+08:00

Things that we always thought we know best: somehow - it really boils to how the pride consume us. Don't you think so?

There is this incident that dawned me today: One teacher tell the students that 'clever' and 'smart' are the same, just that they are the result of the expansion of the vocabulary, until one student declared that the teacher is wrong. For simple reason: 'Clever' is used to refer more towards shrewd or sly person. 'Smart' is used for positive connotation.

Now, it seems a bit far-fetched to say this: but the reason why I thought of this is because of what my dad used to tell me about alot of stuff.

When I am back in Malaysia, alot of things I assume he has full authority. What he said will never make no sense.

So when I come to Singapore, and learned alot about very different things, I realised... most of what my dad said doesn't make sense anymore.

For example, he thinks it is stupid to have students to use the net to study, because he thinks that reliabilties come from books. He said human beings are, for centuries, being educated through books.

He is not wrong, but his conclusion is. Therefore, we all should stick to books, not internet sources, for references.

When I come to Singapore, boy - especially in NUS, none of my textbooks are 'books'. All could be downloaded from the net. Everything. My references? Net research papers. My readings? Net articles. None of them are actually 'dog-eared' books.

Another instance is about the daily lifestyle. He think it is impossible to have students in school who scored A's and on the other hand 'look cool'. He thinks that those dyed hair students are bound to fail. Especially those who start smoking.

In my hometown, yes - that impression is well enough to judge. But in NUS, it is totally different.

A dean-lister (for those who don't know, dean lister means top 5% of the class) who listen to Goth Rock, utilise the 5 minutes break between lectures to smoke Malboro Light, and above all, she wore casual wears that will attract awkward attention. Hello, red tank top (matching her red brunette) and patched rugged jeans. Reminds you of the hard rock in the late 80's.

Problem is, she is not the only one. The group always have been the dominant people in the top 5% of the class.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder - how did she manage to get the result so well? Did she bribe her way through?

The tutorial class I had with her once - man... convinced me that she is really SMART. Well, not just she. A 10 - 20 people-click.

They are just smart. Plain smart. Not clever. 'Cos if you say they are clever, they will use shrewd means to justify their arguments. We actually had this session on the history of Japan, especially in the 1600 century-era. I was blown away by their presentation. They are not just well prepared, they are so eloquent that the tutor, even though he seemed to be skeptical in terms of the students' attire - was extremely impressed. They are not the typical girl/guy next door people that you can judge. They know their business.

It has been 8 months since I last saw them. I am from Engineering Faculty, they are Political Science major students. I took that subject for the sake of fulfilling my graduation requirement. They need it for life.

I told this to my family once, telling them how the time changed. My dad was not happy hearing this. He did not say anything immediately after I finished the incident, and so is my mom. But both know something. Nowadays - children - they are different.

I am, however, feeling that this conversation startled them alot. Nowadays, I did most of the talking, and apparently, unlike last time when my dad or my mom would told me not to bother about the society today, because they are sick (I agree with that actually); they just keep quite. So most of the time, I would be doing most of the talking alone.

What scares me a lil' is my dad. He doesn't talk to me much too. Nowadays, our conversation - or rather, our sentences can be counted within 2 hands throughout the weekends. And it could be as worst as one sentence per day.

The more I think about it, the more I felt a bit afraid. Are they feeling inferior towards the 'Singapore' mentality?

Well, I don't know. Anyway, I just feel like talking about this. If not - the newly changed blog will seem to make no difference.

New LOOK!!!

2006-10-12T12:52:00.000+08:00

Just updated the blog. I changed the look, 'coz the previous one, after months of the same background, I began to grew tired of it.

Anyway, all the things on this page are not of my work. All of them are credited to Blogskins and Deviant Art.

So, yeah what you see is actually not my product. But I heavily modify them, so maybe I can take credit for being a copy-cat or modifier.

2006-10-05T09:22:00.000+08:00

Cool... not!

2 Projects, 2 labs... all within this week... my goodness, when was the last time i enjoyed my studies?

This week I am going back home. 'Replenish' my bank account. And visit my hometown friends. And... start doing serious studies.

This week, me and Alby will be doing a recording of our duo - (Savage Garden enigma) - in a way he wanted to record for fun, in another, he got personal reason (I am not allowed to say what it is).

Next week, it will be more towards readings. Man, NUS... welcome to NUS...

2006-10-02T13:24:00.000+08:00

Sorry for being so late to update this blog of mine - Life has been rather busy... hehe

Recently, I have been utilising the mid-term break to learn about my studies further, and having occasional project discussions. Life is not free after all.

Then, these days, I am trying to catch up the momentum that I started off with: good.

Haha, you know that studying in NUS is about fast-pacing life. Alot of stuff you need to be constantly on full throttle.

So I am trying very hard to maintain this momentum. Hehe

Another thing is that, my friend, Li Ying, is now one of the contestants for the New face in the New Paper,... go vote for her. This is how you vote:

Send SMS with message: TNPNF 4 (your NRIC) to 77877

(For foreigners, use ur FIN)

She got a blog, but now temporary under construction...

http://burqq-byherself.blogspot.com

Well, just a short advertisement for her...

So back to my life. I haven't received any updates with regards to the Mixed Reality thingy. Looks like now I got to be initiative... I need to get myself updated... argh!

2006-09-26T12:59:00.000+08:00

Guys... sorry for the few weeks' absence.

Been studying. I did not follow up my projects, but I am working quite hard to catch up. Reason being that I have been busy with my band stuffy, and some very boring things.

Okay guys. Bad news first.

IN RETROSPECT is now officially 'in hiatus'. For those who don't know the term 'in hiatus' - we are currently INACTIVE.

To Hui Hui: I am not going to play music for my band for 2 years.

So, here we go. IN RETROSPECT is 'in hiatus'. Too diverse influence in between my band members. You cannot mix a jazz pianist with a punk, unless you want to do punk jazz. And that is one thing: no one in the band knows Jazz Punk.

So, I decided, and since our newly recruited vocalist: Bi Ying, said she doesn't want to be in our band - which is what I have anticipated long ago... I have to announce the band as 'in hiatus' status.

But THAT DOESN'T MEAN OUR BAND IS NOT DOING ANYTHING.

Currently, me and Justin will be working on some songs that I have initially composed. He said the songs are good. So, guys, it will be very soon that I upload the songs demo.

Next is the comeback of Alby - man, I really wish Alby is back with us. But this time, for me.

Alby is jamming this week with us, but we are not sure the venue and the time. He is freaking busy with alot of school commitments.

So far for all these. And by the way: This blog will not be updated regularly, because I will be freaking busy with a lot of school works and band stuff.

Ciaoz

2006-09-12T13:28:00.000+08:00

Good Updates:

I have found reasonable amount of people to come along and jam with my band. Me and Justin haven't discussed bout the band name and such, but I personally want to retain the name 'In Retrospect', in honor of Wei Qiang, who group us into this band, and make it to the peak during RockFest.

Currently, the fixed band members are me (ren), Justin and Jesse. A bassist, a keyboardist and a drummer. We will be auditioning 2 guitarists soon, one is called Guan Jie, a punk and emo guitarist. Up next will be this great guitarist that we saw during one of the Guitar CAC Club gig in Munchie Monkey - Kassim. He is stylish, and Justin and me straight away wanted him.

Okay, with regards to vocalist: I am betting on Wei Sern. It is not that I don't want the previous girl that we auditioned: a girl named Bi Ying, happened to be Justin's good friend, but her voice is sultrous, and not quite suit with us. I am thinking of including her during Unplugged+ sets.

Anyway, we will have our second audition for 2 people, Wei Sern and Guan Jie this Friday. If Guan Jie is good, then we can ask him to join us. Apparently he is now on and off with his OMS band, a branch under Guitar CAC Club. He is interested more in Vertical Horizon and Simple Plan though...

The other vocalist, he is a Jap rocker. However, when suggested songs like Bon Jovi - It's my Life, and Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing, he apparently is willing to sing them. These songs are technically demanding when it comes to vocal strength. But then I thought: so are Japanese rock songs. Which is why I am betting on him.

Kassim is a must-project, although chances are low. He is a good guitarist when it comes to 'feel-band' songs. Skill wise, I can count on him. He is better than Wei Qiang in terms of guitar skills, but in effects, I still think Wei Qiang is better. Other than that, I have absolutely no complaint. He has though. He got practise on tuesday and thursdays, and his band gig happened once a month. I will tell him my plan soon. I really wanted him in my band. He is great...

For now, our target for In Retrospect will be more towards gel-ling together, and prepare for Jam X next year. After that, we are thinking of getting some smaller scene competitions, in which I will snoop around for band competitions.

End of the whole thing will be a round-up for an EP. Album!!!

But this project is a long-term project. I think I will let them know when we got together for a certain period of time.

Anyway, we will be practising once a week, and I am thinking that I should not depend on Raffles Hall band room too much. Justin told me a place called Alvron. 14 per hour. We may try there once we start practising as a band.

Be frank, I am hyped up for this band... but don't worry, I won't let it hinder my plan to go USC when Prof. Steven Zhou. Both are my interest, and I will one day blend them together. I will call it, brace yourselves, ladies and gentlemen: VIRTUAL BAND JAMMING!!

2006-08-31T09:12:00.000+08:00

Some major updates:

I went for an interview on MXR Lab (For those who do not know, MXR Lab stands for MiXed Reality Laboratory On Augmented Reality Research). It is part of NUS outgoing research team to commercialised their products in global market. Currently, they newly established a research lab in University of South California, in Los Angeles. Their lab name is NUS Hollywood Lab.

I actually expressed my interest in the project, because I was HIGHLY motivated on the last tutorial session with Prof. Steven Zhou with this module called Analytical Method in Electrical and Computer Engineering. He showed a demo on Virtual Reality of a 3D Story Cube.

There are many other projects, and this is one of them. It is called the PacMan Virtual.

The actual plan and the project is unclear - because when Prof. Steven Zhou actually demonstrate this programme, it is still in very early phase. Little storyline, and very few animation. I got the chance to see first hand of the actual project animation that is supposed to be on the commercialised scene, and lo-and behold - it is very good. So much improvement compared to the last time I saw. Which was one year ago.

So anyway, back to the interview. Apparently my timetable doesn't work with their working schedule, so Prof. Steven Zhou (through the Skype - hey, Joanna, I never know Skype is so good, you should persuade me to use it dear!!) discuss with me of what I plan to have for my future prospect in MXR Lab. I told him frankly that I am very much interested in the program, and I am willing to learn anything, be it programming or beta-testing skills.

Guess what, I heard something from him that I swear to God, I will never want to forget. It is so inspiring. Below are the main important excerpt:

Prof. Steven Zhou: So, do you have programming skills?

Ren: Yeah I do, I got a B+ for C++ if that is what you meant...

Prof. Steven Zhou: Oh, no. I don't care about your grades. Grades mean nothing in our team.

Wow. That impact.

I further told him my intention to procede with my internship program. He is well-pleased.

Generally, I did not get the actual job as a beta-tester, but Prof. Steven fill me with writing Manual book. Well, I am glad for that, although I know the chances are not high.

Anyway. Bless Lord for Prof. Steven Zhou. Gary, he is real sweet guy.

Tired

2006-08-21T08:42:00.000+08:00

Tired of being stuck in the middle of nowhere.

That is how I felt.

Well, actually, I have been rather busy with some personal stuff these days, so I didn't update much on my blogspot. Plus: I formatted my computer - due to another strings of virus attacks.

Well, when I said I am tired, it is because of some tutorials and lectures: I still have clashes.

Why? Argh!

2006-08-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

The culture workshop is good, you know why?

I got to know a few people, and incidentally, I have invited 1 guitarist, 2 drummer to come and play alongside with me. One of them is an advocater for metal songs, and some-more he is a PRC. He played damn good drum.

Anyway, I got to know a bassist who is of 4 years experience, and he played so much better than me. Wow, RH finally got hope.

Finally, the band I have committed to play in, they all are interested to play for my band. Wei Qiang and Justin, we finally got hope.

2006-08-03T13:43:00.000+08:00

O-mata-se!!! (Here I come, sorry to keep you waiting!!)

--> Gary, if my japanese is wrong, please let me know. Hehe.

After recovery for 2 months' period of sorrow and loneliness, I am blessed with 3 songs. Newly composed, and I will tape them very soon.

(Sorry to keep on saying that I will record, but haven't seen the thing yet.)

Actually, I have been trying to cope with life, and at the most blessed moment, I composed 3 songs, melodic riff. Thanks to listening to Metallica, Iron Maiden, Aya Hirano, Uverworld, NANA, I got all the inspiration into my mind now.

They are considered complete being instrumental, but I still need to try to find a way to input in the melody or a vocal inside. Most importantly, the lyrics will be included as well. My current lyricist: Daniel Goh, is very busy. My other lyricists, probably June or Jian Ming (depending on whether I want a Chinese or an English version) are waiting for my final draft.

So guys, please wait a bit...

As for my studies: I am bidding

EE3101
EE3206
EG1415
LAJ1201

Hmm, and I am allocated EE2007.

Sorry for those who don't understand what I am writing. Basically, I will be doing a lot on Signal Processing, and I am doing a Japanese Language. (How can I let Gary be better in Japanese than me? HAHA)

2006-07-31T17:54:00.000+08:00

Now back in Singapore.

Now staying in Kuok Foundation House. Room 817.

Toppest floor, most corner lot.

I have the balcony all by myself.

View is nice. I can either watch cars along the University Cultural Centre, or I will go out and nostalgically admire the scenery of Raffles Hall.

Anyway, I miss the broadband. Now I can download stuff easily.

2006-07-28T09:51:00.000+08:00

Last day of work.

Seems to be sounding sad, but instead, I don't feel much pain. Well, let's just say that the last day of the office seems like everyday to me.

After work, I go back. That's all. Nothing special.

After going back, I will go straight to Malaysia.

Well, we see first if I would update then.

By the way, I am coming and stay in Kuok on 31 July. Start another work in 2 weeks time, and also I will be practising for band.

2006-07-26T19:57:00.000+08:00

Finally, here's up for the band confirmation.

Alby is willing to play, but on the condition that we play on weekly basis, because he needs to get better grades to go for SEP. Student Exchange Programme.

Justin is game. He has no issue

Ren Kang, or 'ren', has similar point of view, just that he will focus on studies and music progress at the same time.

Currently, Wei Qiang and Daniel are not to be interrupted because they are busy with FLOAT.

We will have our 3rd band gig soon. 4th August. At Raffles Hall. This is an unplugged session for us, as only me, Alby and Justin will be available.

As for Sern's audition, we will look and see how first. Current focus is simple jamming.

2006-07-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

Ranting season over. Here comes the steady and calm REN.

Anyway, I felt that writing a song with ballad in front and funk rock at the ending is a difficulty I have yet to attain. So, instead of writing it in such a way it sounded different, I make it similar to 'Nothing Else Matters - Metallica', my song of the year.

Too bad, I felt the song sounded bad. So I decided to try to find the right feel to suit into the funk, or maybe I do a heavy rock to that ending. If not, to make it sound like other song: that will never become my original anymore.

By the way, 3 more days to the end of the work. Be frank, I am damn happy.

2006-07-24T21:49:00.000+08:00

A song that I have composed: sounded pentatonic in the beginning, E C D progression.

Then at the bridge I make it bluesy funk rock. So, it will be something very different.

I will try to record it soon.

By the way, I think: maybe I will not play in band anymore. I finally realise what is wrong all the time. Wrong chemistry, and I kept trying to inject them in.

Talk more when I am free. I am on Ranting Season now.

2006-07-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

Xanga becomes my personal blog.

I will dedicate for that.

Anyway, went to Orchard again. This time I saw a band gig, for donation purpose. One of the band performing, they had a freaking good bassist.

He was playing bass like playing a lead guitar. And I heard: he is only 13.

The whole band was tight, but they are very amateur I can hear. Not this bassist.

Man I wish I can be like him.

2006-07-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

I had a bad dream few nights ago. It is about band music.

I left the dream of playing band. In the end, I opt to become full time engineer.

Found a good wife, found a good life.

Everything is stable. But that is the problem.

I remained as a non-active member of my church in Singapore. Me and my wife helped out occasionally for church. But never in music.

For I said to myself, according to my dream: that 2 years ago, while I was a third year of Electrical Engineer, that I want to remain as calm, and as simple as possible. Meaning, I want to be a normal person living in a normal life.

Near the end of the dream, I saw something about myself. The story ended in non-chalant note. I died contributing nothing.

I woke up with a fear. Extreme fear. But I dare not say it.

Today, this morning to be precise, I found the courage.

I realise how important it is not to shield one's talent from spreading to help those in needs.

Ever wonder why many people like Superheroes? Think about it. Even for just a while of a fantasy.

Would you ever hunger for a moment of being the person who has the ability of saving the world. Let's be honest: Who never fantasise about being one? If you deny, 2 reasons: one: you are an adult, and your critical analysis tells you that it is not possible. Hence you gave up the hope; or two: you are lying/not honest with yourself.

Be frank, I was like the both people in different stage of life. In fact, I was a super turn-off towards these Superheroes thing.

Until that night. Something must have struck me very hard. Very very hard.

I be frank: I had a talent. I don't have a good one. I had only a raw 'One Talent'. To play music. I sucks in singing, yeah I know.

But I can play. And be frank, I was like: I can't help saying this, but how would you feel when you can listen the song in dissecting motion? Like, you can actually feel the scales - you can actually groove the beat through the song, worst: I can listen the feel and try to figure out the chords. Most of the time I did.

Music has now become part of my life.

I opted to play in church band rather than in pub band, because I thought of the consequence of playing in pub rather than in church band. Though both allows me room for improvement, in pub, I might be thought the bad things.

Anyway, back to this:

As much as I want to deny myself music, I felt torn apart whenever doing it. I really felt that. No joke.

Today, I sent an email, expressing my interest in continuing the now-defunct band of mine. In Retrospect.

Well, now-defunct is the right word.

Founding member Wei Qiang is busy with Daniel with FLOAT in Raffles Hall. For those who doesn't understand: It is something like Chingay way.

Only Wei Qiang expressed the interest to continue playing for In Retrospect. He admitted that going in and out of the band is inevitable, but he wants to stay on.

Alby hasn't replied me yet, but he told me he will talk about band music some time this week.

Kelvin is pursuing Christian music in his church band.

Justin is game for my prospect. So far, he is the only one who regularly updates me.

I am auditioning for one more guy, he is a vocalist. He is interested for short-term jamming, so I will have to see how we gel.

I am waiting also for a female vocalist. She is my favorite, because she can sing ballads with dark theme songs: my favorite choice of musics.

Frankly speaking: the more I tried to avoid talking music, the more I felt myself torn apart.

This is the excerpt of what I expressed in the email:

---------------------------------------------

Be frank, the forming of this band, and the road ahead, is mainly by him. He has wanted to see a future of our band so much. I am motivated by his attitude, which is why I am trying to advocate and push our band alot. Kelvin, realising the potential of full commitment, decided that he should prioritise which band to play. I can totally respect his choice, which is why I did not pursue him and convince to play for us, despite the fact by many of my friends that he should continue play in our band. Justin see the same thing either, and he chose to stick in our band and walk along this possibility of future with me.

Due to the fact that Alby is busy with his work, Wei Qiang and Daniel busy with their Float, so far I only receive update from Justin alone. Of course, I have been asking some of my friends who played in band if they are interested in playing for me. Most of them are either too busy with their lifes, or they do not have the same chemistry we had for our band. So, this is what I have in mind: We had a hard time getting each of us together. It is hard to gel and be able to play as tight as how we manage to do during Rockfest. (I don't know if you guys have any feedbacks, but I felt that that night of performance, we are the tightest among other bands)

I will be honest for this. For many months I have been doing alot of deep thoughts. I shared this because I think it is best if we can listen up and talk about this honestly. I am no longer bothered if we are playing for some hall obligation or whatsoever. I am very hyped up about playing band, at least as part-timer. Playing in 2 years' is a benchmark I am intending to set on myself. I can't forget about the experience we had. It was a moment of magic.

Band-wise, we can restart again I thought. I never feel that our band is losing out. We are just looking for cooling period, because that night, when I hear how Wei Qiang told us, me and Daniel of our band prospect, and me personally listening to his point of view about band-playing, I am definitely sure that he is serious about playing band. If not, I believe he won't spend his money on Distortion Box sets, and VOX amp for the fun of it. Me either.

Undeniably, band members coming in and out is inevitable. We can't stop people from leaving our band due to their commitment. I am respectful for this. But I will stick to this band, no matter what, because my liking for this band, and the forming of this band, and the prospect of this band, has become part of my life.

This is what I have in mind, and I would voice it out. No hurry bout talking bout this, but I am saying what I have to say.

Ren Kang

---------------------------------------------

Be frank, if you want to compare me with those who played music even in leisure term, they are so much better than me. For I am totally self-taught.

But: I really don't want to live with regret that my talent of music ends up being a waste.

Don't you feel scared? I do. Serious.

2006-07-19T23:00:00.000+08:00

Recovered after a few days.

I meant, my depression.

Anyway, Gary, I asked her out. Okay I lied. Mutual consent. Okay.

Today was the first day. Fine I guess.

Don't know why, I don't feel like blogging today.

Very sianz.

Is it because it is the 2nd last week to the end of my working life? And back to school life?

2006-07-18T20:00:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it.

I am listed as NO LONGER STAYING IN-CAMPUS.

Therefore, meaning:

1. There is a problem with the system database, as I have already paid S$200 in advance for my Kuok Foundation House stay.

2. I am rejected, and they eat up my S$200.

Apparently, there is no reply from Kuok Foundation House. My goodness...

I think, the answer is 2.

My goodness. How? My grandma won't be allowing me to stay after the holiday. HOW???

2006-07-17T15:26:00.000+08:00

Sort of bored.

Today, the system went down. Spammers cleaning. Took at least a week, judging by the productivity of the main server.

And, I did not sleep well. SUPER TIRED.

Last night, as usual, after short chat with Hui Min, Gary, my sis - Tifa a.k.a. Xian, and someone, I went to sleep. But I just don't know why, I just CAN'T SLEEP.

Screw you Gary. You are the one who caused it. If you don't suggest that to me, I will never have wet dream. HAHA...

Anyway, jokes only. I am tired yes, but, I am not that angry... HAHA...

2006-07-16T22:27:00.000+08:00

Do you have instances, where you are so angry with what you have been doing? And in the end, you ended up going nuts? And suddenly everything becomes clear to you? Have you been in that situation?

Jocie if you read this, I would like to say: You are not alone.

Surprisingly, that moment when you were in depressed mood, so am I.

But I got even more graphic picture. I was sitting duck, doing nothing. Then a strong provoking thought come to my mind.

Out came slashes of 4-letter words. My dad heard it. He thought I was unhappy or something.

For the first time, I think, I liked my Dad alot.

You see, he doesn't slash me with philosophy of life or whatsoever. What he did is to simply ask: You need help?

He sounded enthusiastic, that is the issue.

He doesn't sound angry. Previously, even a simple 'SHIT' or 'BASTARD' will become the household warning from Dad.

But not this time, some more it is the globally recognised word. F***

He wasn't angry or agitated. He asked me curiously.

I replied: I think, maybe I will take a walk outside and calm myself.

Well, I would have done the same regardless of his attitude. But when he curiously asked, I can see a sincerity in his mind.

So when I go out, I met with my church friends. We played badminton. And surprisingly, I could play six games straight. And I don't feel tired. After 1 year of not exercising. Can you believe it or not?

Then it occured to me. I have been critical to them maybe.

But during those process, I realised something else.

My life, the thing that I thought how meaningless my life was: I realised what has gone wrong.

My attitude.

I gotta change it.

If not, I will not be able to survive long man.

Anyway, I met with Kat to chat. She was telling me her problems with our church worship leading services. Pray to God that You anoint her and give her wisdom. She has suffered alot of politics. Let not politics interfere Your power to her Lord.

Then in the bus, I strangely chatted with a lady of 30. She looked 24. Serious.

I don't know what is going on, but the next thing, we exchange phone number. She is sweet.

Now I got friends to chio to eat outside liao. YES!!!

2006-07-15T19:19:00.000+08:00

试着

2006-07-15T18:22:00.000+08:00

Day of atonement. Night of enlightenment.

In the day, I woke up in a daze. I remembered last night. Went out with friends. I will elaborate this more next time. Gary, you must read, it is about Yujun, and I don't think you want to miss it.

Anyway, afternoon I reached Malaysia. Went back to Pontian. Literally, I did nothing there. NOTHING. Except for playing guitar for 2 good hours. That is long.

I will record the 2 songs tonight. MUST RECORD. My band is requesting it liao.

2006-07-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

There are actually times when you thought how bad your life could be.

Recalling your past, especially of those which you wish never happened. That could be very bad.

Sometimes, it is not about how much you want to forget about them. It is more of how much you learn through all these setbacks.

It took me 2 years to fully comprehend what Gary told me, one night of deep sharing - about relationships. He told me there is no hope in asking G to be my girlfriend. He told me frankly that she is using me, rather than befriending me as her good friend, who I see potentially to be my girlfriend.

That day, he actually shared very much of how he worked things out, after the failure of his first girlfriend. His family.

I never know the weight of his advise to me: cherish and love your family. You will realise how important it is.

In fact, for many years, I never take his word seriously. I still had the behatred thought of my dad. I still dislike my mom's nagging.

Recently, I realise, when you have been through so many difficulties, you start to cherish them.

I don't know why, I start to miss my mom's cooking, and my dad. It seems so weird.

Few years ago, I was agonisingly trying to get out of the hometown circle and wanted so badly to go out and see the world.

Now I wanted so badly to come back to hometown and to see them.

Life is really.... amazing.

And for the first time, I never thought how much I miss my mom. I am... falling for my mom again.

There are times when you were so emotionally thirsty, you would just find any girl to fall in love to. I was like that, when I was trying to find some girls to love in my university.

In the end, I realise, it is still a long way to go.

Now that I am a 3rd year student, I began to understand life a lil' better.

I actually regarded Gary as the closest buddy I ever have in my life, because of all the friends I ever had, he taught me life most. Well, except for some bad examples from me, I guess we make up as good buddies. He doesn't mind me being close to him at certain times.

There are times when I was falling out of love. He respect my privacy, and let me be alone.

There are times when I was sick. He came and bring me back to room and rest.

There are times when I was sad after the test. He was the first to comfort me and encourage. In fact, he eased me alot with his 'nonsensical analysis of how other people might screw up'. I like his analysis anyway.

He moved out when I continued staying in year 2. I had no one to check. There is Martin though, but because we were only neighbours, he could not keep in check with me often.

By 3rd year, I will be staying in Kuok Foundation House. Away from hall activities is one thing, but it is more towards own commitment for spiritual enpowerment. I need to grow well, after all these nonsense. I made myself accountable to a friend in Kuok Foundation, so that he can come and visit me often to check how I am.

But in the end, I will never forget what Gary told me once, when I was in the lowest end of my life.

"You got to be responsible for your life."

I read an article somewhere too. It says:

"It is your choice to stump yourself with rubbish and bad moods. It is your choice to enlighten yourself with happiness and gaity. You make the choice. You are not forced to."

So I have decided.

After long struggle, perhaps it is time that I do something worthwhile. At least, I should start to be more responsible to my own well being. And not giving excuse for it.

Well, I am pretty sure there are many chances out there if you want to grab it. Gary got a NOKIA JAPAN internship, and then a student exchange programme because he is sure of what he wants, and he really is responsible of how he wants his life to be.

Rebuan, my another close buddy who study the same course with me, decides that he really needs to venture into the world to see what Electrical Engineering is about. Siemens is his choice, after many attempts of applying for internships.

I failed a few, and because I am not a risk-takers, I decided not to try outside, nor did I try some factories that the school recommend.

But the thought of how meaningless my life struck me hard. I could not just sit there doing nothing.

Gary told me a few advises. I thought of myself quite alot either.

In the end, I decide. Try out for the last breath.

That is how I got this job.

Kah Liat, my another close friend, taking the same course, used to tell me that I am very anxious about everything.

I realise he is right. Because I am not a risk-takers.

After much thought. I realise, I should not.

It has been a deep thought for the past few months. I felt my life melancholic, nonchalant. Sometimes I would ponder this one very important question: What have I been doing in my life?

I am totally not proud of having my story being published. I am not proud of saying how meaningful my life is.

So I decided.

1. I have a talent in music. I want to fully utilise it. I really one. Performing arts is what comes to my mind

2. I decided that I would dare myself to study the toughest: Signal Processing. This is the module that I enjoy the most, and most probably is my best. Although other modules like Micro-electronics may seem to be an easier module, I realise I am no good with it. I am born to try Signal Processing. I can feel it. Feel free to laugh.

3. I want to learn to mix around with people. I am an introvert. I don't want to remain one.

4. I want to be a changed man, a man full of confidence, and not anxiety. God, change me.

This blog post is dedicated to Gary, Rebuan and Kah Liat, for being my good EEE and CPE friends all along. Thanks Gary especially, you changed my life and my view of life in Singapore completely.

2006-07-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

Expect the unexpected.

Today, I unexpected saw the computer technician who came and replaced the computer back.

Actually the previous few weeks, my computer was replaced due to frequent 'hardware jam'.

I don't really have any preference on which computer I like better. After all, I am used to screwing the computer to suits my basic needs.

Of all the upgrading I am suddenly interested in Windows Live Messenger and Internet Explorer 7 Beta 3.

And, be amazed: I like them so much. Now I can't get enough of them.

I hate to say this, but I am afraid that I will replace my current favorite Winamp to Windows Media Player 11. I really feel that I will change.

2006-07-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

There are times when you will realize, people woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

So much more is the life of an observer, who gets to see some politics in a small company.

Today, something really bad happens in the company. Our lady boss suddenly lapsed her anger at a few people. My fellow colleagues, the accountants, were slashed until nothing left.

I could see. The lady boss was very angry indeed.

Today, the boss also scolded me a bit. Actually, it is a minor matter.

He claimed himself as an expert engineer, and as usual I will be laughing quietly.

Today, he spotted me laughing. That’s it.

He was trying to teach one of my colleague the difference between Key-Alike system and Master-Key System. He boasted himself as being an expert engineer, saying the customers who ordered them are ignorant and do not know it.

In the end, after discreet investigations, we realized – the boss was wrong. That company knows what he wants.

And for the first time: his assertiveness and decisiveness failed.

He always claimed himself as God. Now he tasted his own medicine.

Well, I don’t blame him actually. When it comes to securing a deal, he was adamant with his deal. In fact, his customers were left with nothing to say. He was sure of what he wants. His suppliers also admired his characteristics of knowing what the boss wants. Hi suppliers never asked for clarification. Put it this way: my boss has no issue with my suppliers.

Today, he made a mistake. On a customer’s deal.

And he laughed it off.

I can’t blame him. I find him comical.

2006-07-12T09:42:00.000+08:00

Wednesday work.

Something a lil' different.

Morning I woke up with a song - "Nothing Else Matters ~ Metallica"

And, for the rest of the day, I realise: I have been repeating the same song.

Morning I woke up, seeing my laptop off from my desk.

I took it off yesterday, feeling no point going online anymore. Bored.

Morning I woke up, seeing my housemate, also my uncle - sleeping even though I am going to work soon.

It was raining heavily, so he had no choice, perhaps he will go when the rain resides.

Morning I woke up, went to work same time, to find the company yet opened.

There was a traffic jam at PIE, besides the one holding the key is fetching someone else.

Morning I woke up, seeing that the day is moody, and the choice of my song is moody.

Nothing Else Matters, Moon on the Water, The Cape of Storm.

Morning I woke up with a strange thought:

It is time to fall in love. Again.

2006-07-11T15:00:00.000+08:00

I hate it.

When you start waking up late for work, and you realise you have a headache.

When you start eating things, and the auntie told you they have not prepared the food yet.

When you are given a task, and you forgot about it.

When you are working in a ultra hot condition.

When you sweat alot.

When your sweat taints your shirt

When you smell. Very bad.

I hate it.

I decide then.

Half-day off.

2006-07-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

Chinese version:

这次，我决定了。。。我的音乐才能。。。可能不是还没到哪种境界那么简单吧。。。想了很久，才领悟到一件事：有些事，不能因为一瞬间的出名机会，而害了自己没办法向根高的梦想发展。当我深思一阵子，我发觉 - 我只是要为了变出名而打算暂时接受作酒吧吉他手。虽然酒吧老板觉得我可以，不过我知道我自己的才能。。。老实说，我虽然可以玩别人的音乐，不过我不想浪费我能够写曲的机会。我决定了：我想好好地为我的音乐知识再加一城楼，然后往英文摇滚-重金属音乐发展。可能不会太重金属吧，不过可能会往写歌发展。最近，我在我的教会向音乐导师表示我乐意为教会的乐团玩歌，一方面是不想浪费我的才华，另一方面。。。每一次我听到音乐，不知为何，我可以感受到音乐的动脉，能够为音乐。。。在脑海里，出现了根多的歌谱。。。可能是我吧，不过我不想浪費我這個才能...

好了, 今天就到這把. 慧慧, 心情不要那麽煩惱. 要開心喔!

2006-07-10T22:02:00.000+08:00

Got a 1 Gig MP3 for 139. Panasonic.

I was desperate for a MP3. Sorry Gary, I spend money again.

Anyway, I am happy for the MP3 player. Looks decent, different and my type.

Some more it is classy, looks like a lighter.

I intend to use the money to buy a replacement phone, but I think, never mind. I don't think it is urgent anyway.

By the way, on my way buying stuff, a Singaporean lady asked me for direction. To be honest, I am secretly happy.

For the first time, I am able to tell people where to go.

But apparently, she ignored me. Hrmph. She just went the way I told her not to go.

Anyway, I promised to put a Chinese version. Something's wrong with Blogspot. I update later

2006-07-10T18:58:00.000+08:00

I had an extreme life today. It was really extreme.

Today, for the first time, I am allowed to activate and QC-ing one of the heavy duty machine our company sells. And bear in mind, when I say heavy duty, I am not joking. It is heavy duty.

So basically, what I need to do is to test the machine to the limit. (I cannot elaborate alot, due to company confidentiality.)

This machine, according to my boss, is not an easy manuveured item. Once you screw it up, it may prove fatal.

The basic function is plentiful, around 20+. Main thing is to make sure the drilling function is using the maximum RPM.

I have tried a few, and most of the machines proved A-Okay. Even if there is some which got problems, I managed to solve reasonably well.

This one: it is different.

Due to the confidence my boss has entrusted to me, he decided to let me do it alone, in the 2nd floor, while the rest do the sales' part.

This is not the first time I got the chance to do things alone.

But, this is the first time, I screwed up a big time.

You ever seen, in thrillers, where machines suddenly have sparks? And I don't mean small spark, but the ones which can explode?

I saw that. In fact, I did that.

The spark was not big, it was considerable, and it occurs slightly above the control panel. My joystick suddenly was short-circuited, and I felt a shock.

Man I tell you. That particular moment, the machine did not stop. Its direction was towards me.

Had I not quickly switched off the main current source from the switch besides me, I would have been dead. It was pointing at my heart.

Explosion might have happened, although I did not notice it. If not, my boss would never have suddenly came up and look at the machine.

He was seriously scared. I could see.

But besides his fear, he was seriously angered. Mixed... well, let's not describe it.

I was scolded of course, and I did not argue back. This is the first time the boss was angry at me.

However, after much checks, we realised that the main problem is the machine itself.

Imagine, the machine was so complete, but they did not finish touching up the wires connecting to the control panels. We checked, and the wires are super loose.

It is like, the machine could be 100%, but because it was 99.9% completed, the whole machine turned void.

Reminded me of Zinedine Zidane. He could have been the national hero. A simple anger, losing his temper, scarred his life forever: and history will know him for being sent off in the 110th minutes for head-butting Materazzi.

Well, I like football because of Zidane. To be exact, the reason why I was rejuvenated after having disappointment in football (that time, I hate EPL) is because of Zidane from Juventus.

Even though he went to Real Madrid, my admiration towards him never detour. I was seriously admiring him.

It was sad.

Back to what happen today.

I am glad my boss decided that the main culprit is the manufacturer, not me. He, in fact, kept his embarassment when he noticed the main problems.

I have to test-run the machine to the limit. I was given faith to complete the test-run. Most importantly, the machine supposed to be able to run efficiently in hardcore factories manufacturing. It costed $10k. One alone. No joke.

I don't know the fate of the machine, except that the machine is being towed to the manufacturer. Apologies might have occured, but I am not quite concerned with it. Perhaps it is because I am scared by the near-fatal accident.

Thank God for making me live again.

(P/S: Actually, some are fictions. I was a bit bored today, so I came up with a story... hehe. Go and guess which part is fake.)

2006-07-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

Had there been days when you thought, how boring and how meaningless your life is?

I had, and sadly, it was on this lively Saturday.

I went out to look for a replacement phone, again this time in Lucky Plaza, after Huiling told me to go and try out. Nevertheless, I thought that since I am free, why not give it a try.

I was already in Lucky Plaza when I suddenly had this thought: Why do I choose to be lone ranger all the time?

I looked around the people. All are not alone. Even if they are, I noticed that they have a reason: Most of them are looking for friends, or buying important items, because they are in a hurry. Rarely there are people like me who will go window shopping.

And, for the first time, after so many years of going out alone, I thought a lot, and I realize how much I have wasted my ‘friends’ hang-outs’.

There are times when my friends invited me to go out with them. Initially it was bad because I hate to go out with people.

Recently the season of loneliness overtook my entire self. It was pretty bad. I lost my soul to lone rangers. And now I am part of it.

I felt very ugly.

After a few rounds of walking, I had enough. I felt very lousy walking in the middle of a busy shopping centre feeling lonely.

Evening time, I stayed back in my room. Put in deep thought: then the ultimate question came;

What have I been doing to my life?

I looked at what I have done recently, and frankly speaking, I am not proud of it.

It is not productive. Useless. Everyday I work then I come back, then I go online, chat for a while, then I go sleep.

Weekend I just rest. Not even bothered to learn or take a book to read.

This questioned came when I thought of how much I have missed in my life, for not meeting my friends and have a chat. I should initiate a hangout, not waiting for my friends.

Meaning: I should not shut myself of the people outside.

This suddenly gave me thought: My dad was a product of that.

For years, he had planted a seed of distrust on his group of friends. None of them are trustworthy according to him. And the same is the same. There is no friend according to him.

This is why, whenever my friends came over during my secondary school days, he is very unhappy. He would give comments saying things that hurt me a lot. Like: are these friends asking of you to give them something?

Actually, I don’t want to say this: it is not a right thing to dig the past and blame yourself for being the product of the past.

Which is why I decided: Mix around with friends often, get to know them. At least to the very fundamental: Life is about relations.

I called many of my friends from hall, they all are busy with FLOAT. In the end, I remembered Hui Min. A girl I have not chatted for a long time. So I sms-ed her. Instead, she called me as a reply. She is sweet and a good friend to me too.

Maybe I crapped to much, but I think I will get a MP3 player first, before getting a replacement phone. Wait till my income reached 800 before I spend. Maybe this is a good idea.

2006-07-08T11:11:00.000+08:00

I am tired.

Walking around, trying to find a replacement phone for my DIGI line.

Can't find. Very sad. I want a flip phone, cheap one will do, but then I thought, a bit ex.

The cheapest and greatest I found: Mitsubishi M180. Look nice, but I don't think I will like it. SMS function very difficult.

S$130.

I think first loh, I told the guy.

Anyway, I went to Toa Payoh. Thought maybe I never been there before, so take a shot. That place was pleasant. Different from Jurong East. Anyway, I forgot that place is where Hui Ling lives. (Paiseh ah, Huiling. I actually don't know you stay there until when I come back)

Sorry for updating the chinese version. I super tired.

Will be taking a nap. Later I will update alot. Some interesting thing happen yesterday. And also the chinese version. Today I am kinda free. Maybe I will upload it.

2006-07-07T09:06:00.000+08:00

(For Erin, Jiahuay and those who can only read in Chinese, I will write a chinese version tomorrow. Remind me)

Has there been a day when you are very bored of life?

Then, after all these, you wonder: what have you been doing to your life?

I did that.

Yesterday I rejected the offer from the chinese pub. Said I cannot commit in such long-term pub playing.

Actually the fact is: I don't quite like playing chinese songs.

Anyway, I know alot of my close friends will be cursing me all the way, saying how stupid I am to give up such a good opportunity, why not try it, you may like it.

The fact is: If I really can play I don't mind.

But
1: I am not good with Chinese;
2: I don't like playing Chinese songs (I only like some of them)
3: I haven't seen pub scene before
4: I know I will be enticed by temptations by the females and the alcohol. (I used to drink alot, after Gary left Raffles Hall... I was a Vodka addict)

With all these in mind, I suddenly thought of something.

I sms Jian Ming, asked him if I can try playing for worship band in church.

I finally understood why Kelvin Chua decided to leave band.

However, now the more I want to form this band, and do the best job for this band.

Except now: I have different mindset, compared to earlier one.

The previous band we have, I know we can make an album.

So for now: I will just recruit new members. So far, I got Justin and Weiqiang to want to go alongside with me.

This band may have different power shackles: No drummer.

Not that I do not want a drummer, but i had this thought to try playing heavy without drummer.

If you say that is absurb, then I recommend you guys to listen to this band: Apocalyptica. Don't judge first. Watch them on Youtube. Get a live version if you want.

3 cellos and 1 drummer.

Anything can be, so long as we believe in music.

2006-07-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

Bad day? Or good day...

I am down with sickness.

But, France and Italy meeting in the final.

Bored.

2006-07-04T20:50:00.000+08:00

Decent days.

I suddenly realise, intonation, no matter how seriously bad it is, can be seasoned.

Meaning: Music to ear is up to you to decide. If the song sound bad, then it is bad. If it is good then so be it.

I played a classic Christian song today: You Are My World. Boy. Talman Ibanez sounded nice. Even though the intonation seems off.

I decided. Sell it to my church.

Another thing.

Today the workplace is a bit... different. First time, Chris got scolded. He is known for his knowledge of catalogues even at his young age (nearing 30), and today, because of a terrible customer, named William, a.k.a. the Notorious Fatty. (My boss named him, and even joked by saying him as Geena's ex-bf)

I am working as usual, but then, I got much chance to talk with my fellow colleagues Christine and Serene. Fun talks, nothing else.

After that, going back, I went back straight. Felt tired, but don't feel like sleeping.

Then, the guitar Ibanez came back to life, enhancing me back to life.

Funny, how a guitar can change my attitude of my life.

2006-07-04T10:51:00.000+08:00

Still wondering, but today my mind is clearer.

I talked with Jocie for a while, and during those small talks, I realise something.

I am doing unnecessary things.

1. Buying those goth wear... trying out a cosplay.
2. Unnecessarily do things too fast, now I got nothing to do in my work.
3. Switching on the laptop, and let it run, just to download things, and I did nothing else.
4. Tired because I wake myself up in the middle of the morning just to read online novel.

Instead of doing something productive, I waste my time wasting my life.

Which is why, when it comes to decision whether to accept or not to become a pub guitarist, it seems like a dilemma.

I thought very deeply these days: I benefit or I lose?

So hard.

2006-07-03T22:42:00.000+08:00

Super bad day.

1: Geena told me not to drink so much coffee... because my face already scarred with pimples.

2: Today, one of my colleagues got scolded. Later I realise the bosses are not in good mood.

3: My friend's guitar apparently could not be fully fixed. The intonation is permanently damaged. Poor thing. Although the shop offers the cheapest, I think the shopkeeper tried his best.

4: While on the way back, I got scolded by bus driver for blocking the way exit of the bus. Worst still, I was in the centre, and he shouted. So, embarassment.

5. I am very tired. Going all the way to Bras Basah, and waited for the bus back, and realise that those who waited for the bus from Jurong East Town to my place were ignored once. I was late for an hour due to this.

Somemore, today, I was still thinking whether or not should I accept the offer to be playing for the pub. I really... I don't know.

2006-07-03T12:17:00.000+08:00

I just found out a shocking truth about my colleagues:

Except for Sereen, all are married.

Except for Chris, all have children.

Which means, this includes Geena...

I tell you, if you see the person in person, you will realise why I am surprised.

Either she maintained her body figure well, or she got it credited to her smoking habit, or I was dreaming.

I can't say she is the beautiful type (at least to me), but she doesn't look like a mother at all, let alone of 2 children.

So anyway, back to working: today was a horrid day. Two bosses super angry and bad mood.

One of my colleagues got scolded. The whole day the feeling is loom.

Today I am going to collect guitar. Hope nothing bad happens.

2006-07-02T19:44:00.000+08:00

I thought alot today.

My serious problem in finding a girlfriend.

Mom told me, "It is a good time, but you don't seem to be bothered."

Aunt told me, "It is alright to find a girlfriend now."

Uncle told me, "You are a young man, right? Go find one."

Grandma told me, "Unless your girlfriend makes you cannot go concentrate in your studies, quickly go find one."

Cousin told me, "You are still single? You don't look like one."

Gary told me, "Wei, quickly find one can?"

There are times when I told them: Band, studies, church, guitar, my organisation.

But today, I realise finally, what is the major problem.

After much time of deep thinking... (I actually wanted to joke on this issue, but it is too serious an issue to talk about)

3 things. One: addiction to isolation and solitude.

You see, I have been a lone ranger since young. Everything I want to keep to myself. If I say this is inherited from my father's side, I think I will be making an excuse out of it. Even till today, I am still a lone ranger. Many things I would rather to do it alone.

Which is why I think, the reason why I don't want to find a girlfriend is because I rather be by myself.

Two: addiction to material satisfaction. Namely: Addict to Net and Music.

I can't live properly without these two. No music, I won't be able to wake up. I live every morning listening music from heavy metal music. (I set my Micro Hi-Fi as my alarm clock).

One day without connecting on the net, I will feel restless. Places I go often? Youtube. Watch MTVs. Chatting. via MSN. Erin, FuSiLiuTing, Pinkish, Jocie, Huimin, my god-sis Jiahuay

Yeah, you see the selection and you are right. All girls.

In real life - I dare not approach girls. I mean, go up to girls and woo them.

In net life - I am a wild wolf. Devour everyone.

Three: Gary, I lost it.

4 months of absence in sex and pornography, the urge is back. I don't want to elaborate.

On the psychological side, because of this, I cannot view girls properly. After my first girlfriend.

Anyway, making such reports, I think it might be better for me to return to where I am supposed to be: Soul-searching first.

Tonight I am going out for a while. Think deeply. Tomorrow working. I want to work properly.

Signing off.

Btw: Gary, how is life in Nokia? Good thing they gave you the 6680. Can I have one too?

2006-07-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

I can't believe my luck.

2 times I went Orchard alone. Time period is absolutely different. I go there when I suddenly felt like going. And I can't believe it.

2 times I met my classmates in NUS. And 2 times I brushed off them.

Why?

Simple.

I never talked to them in class before, even though we are in the same class, same tutorial. And, they are girls... long story on this lah...

Anyway, I think I prefer going to Orchard without 'Dressing to Kill'... so much simpler and casual and comfy to shop around. Although places like 'That CD Shop' and PRADA aroused unnecessary stare from the sales persons.

2006-07-01T10:16:00.000+08:00

My favorite shirt: now gone, only one day old...

My grandma hand-cleaned it. She scrubbed the black layer of the shirt, and the colour go off... spreading on the WHITE shirt.

Darn, just when Geena said that shirt looks nice.

Last night, I have a good chat with Jian Ming. Then at night with Hui Min, Erin and my god-sis, Jia Huay. Argh... I didn't sleep at all. Watch simulcast football match of Germany and Argentina AND Italy and Ukraine. I can't sleep at all. Too excited.

In the end, I got excited for nothing. Italy won easily. Argentina, the team I love since young, lost in a mere Pablo Ayala easy short to Lehmann.

Just when I thought he is the hero.

(Sorry, Erin, Hui Min, mei mei... I talk this next time with you personally...)

2006-06-30T13:30:00.000+08:00

A happening day

I was wondering what is going on, after one day rest.

Then I realise, things are so... happening.

First, Boss Francis, he suddenly initiated a talk with me. I was chatting with a net-friend while doing work, and he suddenly moved to beside me.

Lucky I sensed his presence before he came beside me.

"Wah, you so quiet today."

I was always quiet boss...

He chatted for a while. And that moment, if you got the chance to look at my face expression, you will be horribly laughing at me.

I was dead. Really.

Second, the heated argument.

C, one of the driver who were supposed to send some items to some customers, tried to pull some tricks to giving the other driver to send it. Well, apparently he said he has other to send.

Funny thing is that Doreen kept accusing him for trying to push responsibility.

Obviously, when Boss heard it, he would be angry.

I like how C responded.

"Okay, okay. I do this so that can send with immediate effect, then I don't have to see them again."

I don't see how this is funny, until Boss replied.

"If that is the case, I tell you, I send you out for 2 weeks only, rather than working for me for one whole year, then tell you to rest at home. Since you don't want to see us and the customers that often."

C is also smart.

"Okay, okay. I go now."

"Where to?"

"Since you chase me out, I go out eat lunch, to settle with food."

Boss and the rest of the colleague are dumb-founded. C never had the habit to eat lunch right after he received the goods to be delivered from us. His habit is: finish sending, then go eat.

I was a bit in a faze by the way. Very tired yet excited. Germany VS Argentina. MUST WATCH. Kill me if I did not watch the match

2006-06-29T20:28:00.000+08:00

I GOT IT!!!

Guitarist in a Pub. Chinese Pub.

Yes!!! A Line 6 Variax Acoustic. YES.

Every thursday starting from 8 pm. YES!!!

Sorry, I am just too excited. Sorry.

2006-06-29T18:43:00.000+08:00

Band Jamming.

I went all the way from Raffles Hall just to get Bao Lei's guitar fixed. I felt sick walking around, but I knew that I have to help her get the guitar fixed, no matter what.

First I went to Excelsior Hotel, opposite Peninsula Plaza. 4 guitar shops I went there, first is a Maestro House Shop, selling classical and acoustic guitars.

Damn, I like CT-2 alot. A classical guitar plug-in, the tone is damn nice. Got very strong Spanish feel (有很重的西班牙的风味) . I wanted to use that for composition (写歌）.

$450. Frankly speaking (老实说), with this kind of tune and guitar feel (有这种风味，很好的吉他）, that is damn cheap.

Too bad, I can't buy, and I told the shopkeeper. Sensing my liking on the guitar, he told me that he can wait unless I paid the deposit.

Anyway, I didn't buy it, and so, I forget about it and go other place.

Eng Kiat told me that it is not worth the money to get it repaired. Cheapest is 80, just for the glue. Servicing is still not quoted.

He recommended me to go Bras Basah Complex to find Guitar Workshop. And so I go.

The shopkeeper is very nice. He chatted with me alot, especially with regards of my interest in getting a bass. He told me that instead of hurrying to get a bass, it is better to get a tutor. I am self-taught I told him. He told me to visit the tutor they have. Wednesday evening. I definitely will come and visit. I want to know this tutor, and see if I am worth his time.

Next I noticed one shop. Selling Sports and Music merchandise and equipments. I tried to consult the shop for servicing.

What amazed me is that they actually service for a cheaper rate. $45 for the whole thing. I can't find any other cheaper than that. Even Luther, the most trusted guitar shop and servicing available, costed 150 alone for the whole package. I entrusted in the service assistance.

(终之，我找到一件超便宜的吉他店)

After that，I asked the service assistant for information on bass. He let me have a look at his range, when suddenly his friends suggested Fender Precision Bass, with single Precision "Seymour Duncan" pickup (一种低音吉他的 spare part). I tried.

It really is a good deal. Reminds me of the bassist of Simple Plan, Sum 41 and Blink 182. Punk feel.

I tried a bit, I don't know why, but I played funny blues. Then his friend invited me for a jamming session.

It is really different to be able to jam with professionals. (跟音乐家一起玩乐团，感觉很不一样）

I felt great, and I think, I am motivated to play better, and play as pro. Part time.

Signing off. Today I want to rest.

2006-06-28T22:30:00.000+08:00

Talk with erin a bit. She allowed me to post up her 'pretty pics'

Here are a few :

This is her MSN pic. I told her she looked like a model.

She sent me the wrong one initially. This is the one.

Anyway, new links: Erin's blog, on MSN Space, check out. Besides, I added June's and Weiya. Any new ones, I don't mind. Just add.

2006-06-28T13:29:00.000+08:00

Sick

Been having a tough day. I was sick since Monday, 'cause I don't like doing the warehouse keeping job. I would rather do accounting and QC-ing on the machines. At least, I can think abit.

Today, I applied for half day leave. Boss Amy told me if possible I take another day leave too. I knew a bit of politics in the company, so I declined.

Speaking of politics in my company, I had a very bad premonition yesterday.

Sereen, one of the oldest staff in the company, told me how previous staff, called Paul, Jack and Sam, stopped working for the company.

It was not pleasant. Really.

They had alot of disagreements before the initiation of resignations. Jack had trouble communicating the needs with the boss in charge of sales; Paul and Sam could not agree to the policy of "good-terms-only" customers.

You see, I noticed one very perculiar thing. It all starts with misunderstanding and non-mutual consent policy. Simple: Disagreements.

Hadn't for disagreements between goods delivered and goods sold, my colleague won't get continuous lecture from his salesman-in-charge. X was constantly reprimanded by boss for lacking of items in the Delivery Order list, when X tried to explain the inability to received goods from supplier in times.

This is one of the many, and I frankly say: I don't like saying anything about them.

One thing I like about my boss though: his assertive. When he says yes, he meant it. There is no "Let me check". No such thing. He is sure of his stock goods. And when I say, he is sure, he really is sure. Even stock manager, previously Jack, cannot argue with him. By right, Jack should be better than my boss, but my boss assertiveness costed Jack his work.

Funny thing though is that I would never know why my boss is so sure... and so accurate. I would never know, I guess. And I never wanted to know.

By the way, I manage to take a half day off. I can't believe I am so sick. This morning, I woke up late. 8 am. Dizzyness, drowsiness, and for goodness' sake, I did not watch World Cup. What is wrong man?

Anyway, I will compose the other song, upload it. Still I won't include the full set of SHAME NAME. Too tired.

2006-06-27T22:51:00.000+08:00

I have just uploaded the song. (It is in MIDI)

SHAME NAME. This song is the instrumental acoustic set. I plan to do 3 different version, but due to time constraint, I stick to this first, then to the full rock set.

Feedback me this song if you can. Thanks.

By the way, I will start auditioning soon, for my band. Currently, I got Sern, a recommendation from Gary. Thanks Gary.

Justin and me are confirmed in this band, and I think I will have another name for this band, since Wei Qiang is not inside this band. Most probably we will do a bit soft metal pieces.

2006-06-27T21:23:00.000+08:00

Slipping on the edge of contrast opinions, and I am forced to take on one side to agree with.

Tough decision? Yeah.

Today, I was told to do the same routinal job. Filing, key-in, machine checks and some minor decision making in account balance.

However, there is a bit stress in today's work. On two occasion, I thought I will get scolded by my boss. He is very pissed off today. I don't know the reason though.

I don't feel like saying them anyway.

By the way: I refined the final draft for my acoustic instrumental for SHAME NAME. I will upload it by my dashboard on the side.

Signing off. By the way, give comments on your way out of my web.

2006-06-25T21:06:00.000+08:00

Not good.

My work periods have now become melancholy. Things become comprehensible. Boring.

The visit back home is the same. I went back, play football with them. This time, due to long-term inactive mode physically, I was nearly fainting. Too tired.

Sunday, I literally spend my day doing nothing. Rot myself, play guitar, trying to sound useful. In the end, it is about melancholy.

I am tired of writing songs. So I switched to read online books. Nothing there also. Chatting also... a bit tired and boring.

Rotting away. Gary, can you bring some goodies when you go Japan? Oh and by the way, help me take some photos of the scenery there. Thanks.

2006-06-22T20:26:00.000+08:00

Finally, after 3 weeks of being colleague, she is the first one to have remembered and called my name. And talked to me... Presenting Geena Chua.

First time.

Actually, it was not a pleasant one. She was checking at the filing of the quotation, and she asked me if I have filed it.

Geena: Ren Kang, have you filed the quotation from 'Macwinn' this morning?

Ren: Yeah, should be. Oh yeah, there are some which I haven't put them in yet.

I remembered yesterday, she asked me if my name is Ah Yang, when I cheekily said loudly, "I got name one, you know".

Basically, the company hasn't yet to recognise my name. They always called me 'Little Boy'. Christine, the 40+ colleague, actually is the first to remember my name. But as always, everyone will call me "Little Boy"

The day before yesterday, I went out for lunch, carrying umbrella. When I came back, I noticed Geena walking out for lunch, and she is looking for an umbrella. Normally I would not be kind enough to pass anyone. I am selfish sometimes, (God, please forgive me... and strengthen me)

I don't know why, but I initiated to pass her the umbrella. She shyly accepted. Hehe...

Today, I got a lot of chance to talk to her. She even praised me.

Geena: You have finished following up the tax invoices?

Ren Kang: Yeah, 2 weeks to finish.

Geena: Wah seh? So fast? You recognised those handwritings?

Ren Kang: Er... eh... dunno?

Anyway, I found out one thing about Geena and Chris. Both are MARRIED. Chris has a kid, but I don't know how old. Geena is newly wedded. Hehe. So I cannot have any idea of going stead with Geena. Which should be lah. Cos, one: I got a resolution to put band first. (Actually, got target di lah, I just want to act as angel). two: I am not interested. (No i m not gay)

By the way, I took a picture of me wearing Goth. Pure. I should put up some foundation lah.

Signing off.

2006-06-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

Goth. shop

I went for some window Goth-shopping at Bugis. Friends told me that Bugis is famous for its urban outwear, if I wanted to look for such. Little did they know that I am looking for Goth. wear.

Anyway, I looked around and see how Goth people wore. Inside news told me occasionally I would see some Visual Kei, Lolita Gothika, or simple Goth look there. What fascinated me most actually are the fashions there. Plentiful. They made City Square eats dirts.

I saw this shop, with some normal Goth. wear. Paid 10 bucks for a pair of 'long sleeves pair with Cross figure'. It is actually something that I have been looking for quite some times.

I will put up the picture soon, since I got a foundation + eyeliner combo from my mom's old collection. Hehe. Trying on Goth Visual Kei soon. Simple one will do. Then I would try one day go Orchard. Glam Rock...

some things

2006-06-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

Interesting Romantism

I have been working in the company for 3 weeks, so far, melancholy on my work is the best phrase to describe it. But I don't mind. After all, I learn almost 30% of the millions of stuff in this company.

I, however, noticed something perculiar. Actually, not perculiar, but interesting.

I got 2 very interesting colleague. Chris Chua and Geena Chua. Don't worry, both of them are not relatives to each other. Well, at least during their generation.

First day I already noticed. Chris Chua has a thing for Geena. Can't blame him, she looks nice and good. Very talkative. In fact, she is every guys' favorite. Well, I almost became one, but I don't ESPECIALLY took a liking on her. I treated her as how I treated other colleague members.

This week, 2 very funny event happened. Chris went out for lunch, and he especially called for Geena. My boss, Francis Teoh (he is a lion in a den, so don't fool with him) answered the call. I knew he was trying to pose as somebody, but Francis Teoh immediately recognised him.

Francis: Who is this?

Chris: Is Geena there?

Francis: She went out for lunch.

Chris: Oh... (I don't know what he said, but I assumed this) I just want to buy her lunch

Francis: Who is this?

Chris: (Must have been some hestitation, before he answered) I... I'm Chris.

Act 1 busted.

2nd time is when Chris asked Geena where she normally had her lunch. She said she always settled for the nearby food cafeteria (there are 5 there, but she went for the 2 ones which are nearest and of Chinese food only)

I couldn't help listening to their conversation, because Chris sits behind me, and Geena behind Chris. Besides, my work is nonchalant, I could actually think of what I will be doing tonight, what are my plans, and who am I going to find to chat while keying in the tax invoices and check stuff .... that is before lunch. (After lunch, my work becomes totally different.)

Chris offered to bring her somewhere else, and apparently he sounded like he got all the time. Geena did not answer him that question, instead told him that she would normally pick those area.

I knew from the first day Chris doesn't like the stuff in my working area, because I heard him talking to his friend ON THE FIRST DAY that the food here sucks.

What happened next is that during lunch time Geena went off for lunch, and Chris hurriedly go off, 'following' her. Geena is a good colleague (comrade in business) with this guy called Frederick (I like Frederick, because he is DAMN friendly, and he taught me freaking lots of stuff)

She asked him out for lunch, and Frederick told her he will go in a short while. What actually happened is that Chris followed her. I don't remember Chris said anything to go with her.

Act 2 busted. Apparently no one in the company said anything about it.

I really watched with anticipation the chemistry between the two. I don't know if Geena's attached, and so is Chris. Maybe they are just out as friends, but I really anticipate romance between them. Hehe.

Gotta go. Talk next time

Good news for In Retrospect

2006-06-17T10:06:00.000+08:00

Looking for drummer. Tentative would be Justin. Jocie, if you want you can also try.

I have editted the song 'SHAME NAME', I will upload it in MP3 format soon. Vocal maybe has to wait. Next song will be 'Funeral: Act 1'. Don't worry, both songs are not of extremely dark theme. Listen then you will know.

I got the habit of using minor progression, and end with a happy major harmony.

Signing off. By the way, if any of you readers are drummers or happen to be having friends who play drum, can let me know. Thanks

renjinko@hotmail.com

Update

2006-06-16T18:52:00.000+08:00

A week done.

Go watch this anime called 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya'. Japanese: Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu.

It becomes a national OTAKU in Japan currently. Everywhere you go, there will be cosplay of this anime. Watch this anime to know why.

Besides, my song is in progress. Sorry, a bit tired onlining everyday. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Signing off.

P/S: Congrats to Gary for his ... no lah, I just want to wish him mercy journey to Japan for his internship, and exchange. NOKIA JAPAN dude.

Sucker, not enough sleep

2006-06-14T16:39:00.000+08:00

Not enough sleep

I have been sleeping quite late. Getting news for World Cup latest updates. Also, chat with some random chatters while waiting for that friend of mine who wants to look for me.

Life is routinal. Everyday same things happen. First, work. Then, back home. Sleep. Then go online see updates. Forums. Random chatters... Updating my contact list, see who is who, then talk to them abit. Some becomes chatters to me, some just ignore me. Life is such.

Not much updates. I will list up my latest song that I have in mind soon, I will call it 'Song for Valerie'. Maybe this week.

Signing off.

A time in work

2006-06-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

@Work in All Wares Supply

A bit busy these days. Finish inputting the tax invoices of April. It is such a long week, trying to figure them all out. And, after all the inputting, then realise that at the end of the day, there are a couple of problems with the record. I tallied them with Statement of Account. Some did not match. But anyway, the colleague said can figure out for me.

After work, I went out to IMM first, to buy Gatsby Gel. Since it is the nearest place I can hang out after work, some more it is free of charge, I went there. But then, I was enticed by the earphone collections. So I intended to look around and try to decide what to buy. I bought 2 not very good earphones, one Seinheiser, which costed me 59 sing dollar; the other one a Phillips 43 sing dollar. However, when I looked around the place, none of them are my liking. Even if there is, it is too expensive. Audio Technica. Cheapest 85 sing dollar.

I suddenly remembered there is a Harvey Norman in Jurong Point. There is a free shuttle bus from IMM to Jurong Point. I took advantage again. Then, spent some times, before deciding on a Sony sing 49 dollar. Man, I instantly like it. The bass was strong enough for me. I admit, it doesn't have the strongest bass I heard, but as a Streetwear, it is good enough. Plus, it is stylish.

The bus ride from Jurong Point to the place that I stayed cost 84 cents. Cheap, and I was tired.
Nothing much happen also, but I thought of the continuity riff for my current inspired song. I will put it into MP3 one day. It sounded very metal yet progressive pop type. Hmm...

Signing out

New layout

2006-06-11T10:35:00.000+08:00

Man, I am growing to like doing Photoshop. Just uploaded my background picture. Spend 30 minutes using Photoshop to do it. Yeah, I know for many it suckz big time. But I like it though.

Anyway, I think I will no longer use this page actively for my blogging purpose. I will use it more as my journal (not like self reflection thingy, but just about updates on my life, and my band)

Oh, yeah, by the way. My band seems to have diverged interest in continuity of the band. I cannot contact Wei Qiang, Alby and Daniel, but I hope they want. Justin told me he is game for the band's prospect. So am I.

Please drop by my tag-board if you got any comment. Thanks.

A new layout

2006-06-09T23:08:00.000+08:00

Finally, after much help for looking, and sourcing around: I finally got a one good layout from Blogskins. Freaking great ones. I suddenly saw this of 'Kagen no Tsuki' layout, so I think maybe I change it abit. Now it look very... Simplicitic Bassist.

This could be my permanent one, but the background picture, I might change it once in a while, depend on my mood.

Anyway, I am currently working OK in All-Wares Supply, though we are having some crisis of trying to keep up with our account balance. You see, this company is lagging, in terms of account checkbook, by 2 months. For small company, this could be different story. For this company which is serving, 10000 or more companies, (We are sorta like warehouse) this could be disaster. Sometimes we may have inspection in the middle of nowhere.

This company is not an ugly company. Believe me, the bosses in charge here are more than friendly, they are humane. The issue, however, is the manpower. With such a big company, expanding, we only have manpower which basically could only serve half of the main company commodity, let alone the whole big company.

No corruption, no politics though. This company is really nice to be with.

Anyway, I will update more when I am free. Seems like the wireless in my Grandma's place is very unstable. I will get unconnected anytime.

Using wireless - pirated

2006-06-08T21:49:00.000+08:00

Well, can't be helped, I am using a pirated wireless in the western side of Singapore, I don't know, feel like, I haven't been able to 'see the world' for a long time. Feel so refreshed.

Short notes: Currently I am working in All-Wares Supply. Pay is good enough, but the trip is a bit far...

That's all.

Gamblers' famous quote: If only I...

2006-05-31T19:36:00.000+08:00

Think of how many times you could possibly have done better, and chances are you will end up having a lorry-load full of them.

It may sound a bit far-fetched, but well, if you really put into deep thought, in fact, it is.

However, no matter how much you have those in mind, have you ever wonder if any of them are actually worth thinking in the first place?

Today, I went all the way to NUS just to get:

My job application approval done
My student’s pass renewal.

Apparently, all these should have been done earlier, but because I was too tired to do it previously (I was in Singapore last week, doing some errands which ended up until around 5 pm) I gave up that time.

Today, I went all the way to the ECE department. Funny, sometimes they really do entertain some buggers who actually are lost in administrative matters, even though the department office is supposed to entertain only research, school or any course with regards to the Electrical and Computer Engineering studies. I went there just because the job application that I applied (a department in NUS, not ECE department) required me to go to ECE to verify myself as eligible to work in NUS via school academic result recommendation.

Apparently the secretary told me to go to OSA (Office of Students’ Affairs). She said that to have verification on approval, I need to make myself confirmed in OSA, so as to be able to apply for a job in the department that I intend to work in. Hence, I decided that it may be a good idea to go there, since OSA is also the place where I can inquire about my student pass.

Here comes the funny part. After all the running ins and outs, the final outcome is this: there is no need for any approval and such. Approval for academic result and such is up to the departments to cohesively coordinate between each other, because there is no need to produce a hard copy or so-called ‘paper approval’. Well, after so much of walking in and out, and talking politely to all these people, I ended up doing nothing.

Oh, speaking of doing nothing, here comes another funny event: There is no need to update my student pass at all. Reason: Student pass card actually is determined by my course of study in University, not by my passport. In short, there is no need to do anything.

So, basically, I was in Singapore just to clarify myself what happened. All these could be done via internet, I supposed, and I spend all my time doing nothing, walking around in Singapore, just to get myself worried for nothing.

Strange thing, but after all these, even though my mother was a bit angry of me not making myself clear earlier, I was not even angry at it.

Which brings back to the issue of what I said earlier on: I could make a heap-pile of things I could have done better, but yet I choose to forgo about it.

Why bother all these when you should be happy that you got yourself clarified? From confusion to clarification. From lost to found. Why not be happy about it?

By the way, I am playing guitar for church service tomorrow. Brought my Santa Cruz from Singapore along. I am so happy. Now, technical requirement become so much easier. Thank God.

Short notes

2006-05-28T16:32:00.000+08:00

Going to work in this company called All-Wares Supply in Toh Guan Road East. Starting 5th June.

Will not regularly go online I think.

Coming to Singapore on a Friday.

Song composition done. But band says not very good. Will do something.

You may see me rarely in the near future.

Good ol' days

2006-05-21T07:18:00.001+08:00

Surprisingly I do not mean the days when I am back home. This time it is when I am in Singapore.

Funny how when you study in Singapore, despite the fact that competition is stiff and that you barely couldn't wait to leave the world of rat races, you still feel attached to it.

Well, most of my friends thought that I was crazy, because after much discussions, I realise that it was only me who thought it that way.

Pretty funny. I think perhaps because of the recent setbacks.

One.

I failed to get any job in my hometown. Pathetic. Well, maybe yeah, but can't be helped. I wanted to try doing cashier work, but my mom strongly objected it. She recommended me to go for the handphone shop thingy, so when I got there, I was actually delighted that they actually prefer a full-time applicant. Besides, my dad asked me to be a temporary teacher again, a job that I seriously hate. I did that before, and frankly speaking, even with all kind of attachment with the teachers and students, I still felt not happy as a teacher.

Hence, I got rejected with all my job applications in my hometown, and I decided to return to Singapore.

Two.

My dad somehow has issue with me and my mom. I have been going around the town with him. Muar (a place which is 3 hours' drive from my home) and Johor Bahru (JB), you name it. And be frank. I have not been at home frequently. Most of the time I had to go out. Not to say it is bad, but I am sick of going around town doing chores. I am sorry for being mean, but the worst part is that I kept striving hard to please Dad. Many times when me and my dad were alone together doing stuff, he will surely complain that I did not do well. Well, it is a long way to say about this, but I wonder what goes into his mind actually. He is not really satisfied with my ... not obedient enough to his command? Well, there are issues and I do not want to say anything, and I hope I am not wrong.

Mom and Dad had those little critical arguments once in a while. Rarely I saw them happy together. Then I realised that there were once that Mom was telling me not to be afraid to find a partner... I guess she meant how my dad knew my mom. Perhaps she agreed also that matchmaking won't work. Hmm. Nice try, but sadly, I don't think I am committed to any relationship, at least in the near future. Even if I tried, I know I will hurt that girl only.

Three.

I became worst when I got back home. Thanks to the chores and regular home absence, I could not do much of word study. I think I became worst off than how I was at the end of the study week. My thoughts were polluted. It was bad. Pretty bad. I find it hard to actually commit myself to God 100%. Couldn't help it.

Four.

I had to play in band. I really feel very bored not playing in band. I hate to admit it, but I felt that band has become part of my life, even though I struggled to take away from it. Recently I finished composing one song for our band, you can try and listen it, it's at my homepage: http://cool.ac/ren - the file name is SHAME NAME. You can give me feedbacks on that song through the shoutbox below.

Anyway, the point is that I felt the urge to play in band so much. It itched alot, but I realised that I may let my feeling comes in more than what I am supposed to do.

Five.

Notice my English? It got worst right? Yeah, it did. I have not been studying English stuff for some times, so pardon my English.

As for other minor issues, let's not talk about it. Oh yeah, I am trying for 2 interviews in Singapore soon, starting next week after my camp. Let God You be the judge. I couldn't anticipate much anymore, since You know I got rejected so many times. You decide my fate then.

I will post up my diary of what happen soon. But not now. Sorry. Using dialup. Don't expect good service.

Some updates:

2006-04-24T21:05:00.000+08:00

Some announcements actually.

Currently is my exam period, so I will just update any quick ones, just in case:

1. My dad is down with Parkinson disease, which is why I need to go back home during the 3 months holiday. Taking care of them

2. I am facing terrible financial problem. I barely can survive day-to-day basis. Meaning - I have trouble even finding for food the next day. That is how terrible I am. Which is why I am going back home, and also to work there.

3. I might be working as a part time pub guitarist in my hometown, because I want to try soemthing new.

4. My band, In Retrospect, will not be disband. The front man and me decided to stick together with the others. Hence, we are playing on weekly basis. But I will still be in Malaysia, and probably I won't go online that much, compared to when I am in Singapore.

5. I am planning to do some self-building classes, if there is. Been in the downs, and though I am looking on the bright side, I think I still got alot to learn.

6. I am planning to have 2 bass, 1 bass amp, 1 acoustic guitar, 1 bass-modified-to-acoustic amp, and 1 classical guitar. And these will remain with me forever. Currently I already have all these, except I am choosing one out of the 2 guitars I have with me.

7. I am planning to teach people how to play guitar. For Singapore friends, I will teach in the weekends if possible, but I will try to arrange some times for you. Thursday definitely cannot. For Malaysian friends, anyday except Thursday is possible. Leave Thursday for my day to spend with God. Oh yeah, and Sunday. Sunday is my parents' day.

8. I am moving out of hall after 3rd May, perhaps. Contact me on this phone number: +6017-7309570. Don't you ever call my Singapore line.

Done with announcements. Take care

From my healed heart

2006-04-20T20:25:00.000+08:00

I thank God, from the bottom of my heart, for the things that he had comforted me today.

Yesterday night. Gerald dropped by with us for our Exam Blessing prayer meeting. I thanked him for staying around with us.

This morning. I thank Max Lucado for comforting my heart through his book, "A Love Worth Giving" I read the chapter on 'Love endures all things, believes in all things". I thanked him for letting me know that despite me being imperfect, God still pour His perfect love for me.

This afternoon, I thanked the volleyball senior of RH (now staying in Kuok, and he is in Final Year. I forgot his name). He accompanied me all the way from Engineering Faculty entrance right up to Engineering Canteen - Arts Faculty junction. He lightened my heart alot, just by bothering to chat with me.

1315pm. I thanked Yujun for bothering to share his thought on my blog with me. I thanked him for looking to me as an Online Persona. I don't think so myself actually, though I think (yeah maybe you are right ---> cheeky). I wrote the events that are important and emotionally amplified in each context, depending on how I look at it. But foremost of these, I would like to thank him for instilling the thought of improving my english, after one encounter of meeting my tutor (a Singapore Studies Module) with Yujun. He is humble. He really is. Many people misjudged him.

1645pm. I thanked Martin, Wen Jing, Eugene and Blurr (Edwin) for playing bridge with me, and played it in a leisure manner. I was really happy, that I can do 'no-brainner-stunt' in bridge without getting hurt verbally. I hate to say this, but I see Bridge as a card game for me to vex my frust. So sometimes, I told them that I can't play well, not because I cannot, but I don't. Sorry I am slacker.

1750pm. I thanked the editor of a Chinese songs guitar tabs compilation book for letting me having the passion to learn 'Eason Chan - K Ge Zhi Wang' again. Not to say I don't want to learn earlier, but I don't find the song any impactful to me. But just now, when I started playing, I can feel how Eason felt in this song. Most importantly, I found the 'guitar emotion' Gary Lee used to tell me when we were roommates. He told me my playing is fine, but no emotion. I guess I did this time.

1930pm. I thanked them again, minus Eugene, for playing futsal with me. In fact not just them. Tuck Kein, Rainy, Sriram (surprisingly, he kept on praising me today. I wonder why). I was intended to go back and do normal routine. Now I finally realise why they all like playing Futsal... (am I calling the game right?). Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the 2nd aggressive Gerald. He is ... fun to play this game with.

1945pm. I thanked my mom. My mom called to help ask me ask my aunt regarding job vacancies around Singapore. I intended to go back and take care of my parents. Seems like my mom has other plans. But I thanked her none-the-less. She knows I am having very tough situation now.

1951pm. I thanked God for letting me knowing patience. These days I have been in moody, especially since knowing of my current financial situation, my dad's condition, and my continuous rejection of work. I really thanked God, especially for Erin. She is always the person I would always want to come clean to, talking personal things with her. She is engaged to someone else, but she always takes care of me well. I thanked God for her.

2000pm. I thought quite some times. I remembered Chien Huah. I asked to borrow money from him. 100 dollars. At least for this few weeks before going back home. I thanked God for him. He is very concerned with my situation, and also dropped by to ask me how I am coping with my all these turmoils. I told him I learned to depend on God more.

2015pm. I received an email from Joanna. Frankly speaking, I would be lying if I said I did not anticipate her reply since 2 weeks ago. Of course, I would miss her, plus the fact that when I got all these relational and financial tsunami fiercely wrecking my stronghold of self-reliance. But I thanked God for her. She comforted me during my rocky March period, whereby I have to struggle between studies, activities, and my parents' commitment. I thanked God for her. And her sister too. Jocie (Jocelyn) is very funny when it comes to poking fun on me. But I don't mind. She is a sweetie girl. She is. And I thanked God for that.

2042pm. I need to end this blog soon. I said I will update this blog quite late. But right after yesterday I start to blog. Because I want to dedicate my gratitude for the people (mostly in RH) since I will be moving out of Raffles Hall right after my exam. I will no longer stay in Raffles Hall. I kinda miss this place. But I know I have to do what I need to do.

Thank God for making today a day I am proud of.

Some things should not be left undone

2006-04-19T01:55:00.000+08:00

Well, just figure out I need to clarify certain stuff.

I will be going back home for the 3 months' break, and that most probably I will update my blog quite often. I think, since I got rejected, I think it will be a good idea to spend my time with my family. I don't think the days are long enough for me. (I sounded like I am going to die soon. Relax. I mean... certain things.)

My dad. I need to accompany him more. I don't want to spend my entire lifetime regretting some issue. My dad.

My mom. She has always wanted a day off for everyone in the family to do some stuff. I initiated a travelling trip. Somewhere where my mom likes.

My sis. I haven't been talking with her, chatting for a long time. She has been doing well. She is.

Myself and God. I think I must reflect my life properly. Last year was a very bad year to me. This year started off quite bad either. Something has to be done. I need to focus on my relationship with God. I screw up big time.

I got to go. Maybe I will not be around sometime soon, but I got to go. Obvious reason. Exam around the corner.

First paper on 24th. 9 am.

Last paper on 2 May, 5 pm

I don't know whether I will be going back on the same day I finish my paper. But I do know one thing though. This is going to be my first time, mourning for my exam paper. Not for the sadness of my studies. But for the sadness of my father. I need to go immediately. Everyday counts, no matter what.

Ren Kang

Bad news

2006-04-19T00:23:00.000+08:00

I got rejected by my internship again. This time, Shermaine personally called me. Never mind.

I could not study for a while. Feeling very low. So I decided. I need to do something. I went to Li Ting's room to study. Yeah, feel alot better now.

Will update when the time comes.

Pronouncement of A Tragedy

2006-04-18T19:36:00.000+08:00

Read through the MSN dialogue between me(*ren) and Erin(*erin). You will understand

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ren: hey. friday night, i receive a call from my mother.

ren: my dad got parkinson

ren : ...these few days... i m rather in a very sad mood...

erin : y like tat? so ur test fail all?

ren: my studies is currently not the big problem. so u dun woryr about it

ren: i m rather sad about my family problems

ren: now i hv financial prb, and now my dad is like this

ren: ...

ren: i have to find time to go back often...

ren: i dunno lah

erin: 先别那么急躁嘛~

ren: ... now ... i m sorta in a dilemma... dunnow what i shud do...

erin: 你得先平复自己的心情. 因为你的家人需要你. 别胡思乱想.

ren: i... yeah. i shud... i m jz... ... 我需要。。。肩膀。。。

erin: 我知道..

ren: 我不想，有崩溃的心情

erin: 身为你的angel. 我会关心你的.

ren: 谢谢. 这几天，我都没办法，找个朋友好好谈. 因为，他们都忙功课

erin: 怎么不SMS我?

ren: 尤其是在考试季节

erin: 酱大件事..

ren: 我已经没钱

ren: 我感觉自己比非洲的难民根痛苦

erin: 不要酱想啦..

erin: 我没有怪你

ren: 不是

ren: 我的意思是我连生活的不同需求都没办法搞好.

erin: 先冷静下来想想吧..

ren: 不过...

ren: 那些事。。。是在我当天想的。。。

ren: 昨天，我的senior开导了我

ren: 告诉我很多, 也让我领悟了很多我从没想过的东西。。。现在，有比较好.

ren: 不过，如果将不囊过, 那是假的

erin: 我也知道..

erin: 你现在还好吧?

ren: 不知道该怎样形容

ren: 不过，我每晚都是哭着睡觉

ren: 希望是这几天罢了

erin: 你也要好好考试啊

ren: 可能是我的错吧, 没办法回家

erin: ??

ren: 令爸爸，。。。

erin: 你不要乱想啊..

ren: kk

erin: 现在重要的是考试.. 我也不知道要怎样安慰. 或许.. 人生就是酱... 有许许多多事物要去面对噜

ren: maybe

erin: 唉..

ren: i will noe what i need to do;...

erin: 别忘了还有我噢..

ren: ... thanks alot

erin: ??

ren: i hvn...

erin: 我没帮到什么啦

ren: i havn actually got fren to tell me dat

erin: 不要酱嘛~~~

ren: ........... dun worry

ren: i promise u i will go strong

erin: 嗯, 加油

ren: ...

(After 5 minutes)

ren: did i disturb u

erin: ? no... wat happen?

ren: nvm ... cos 我刚才突然告诉你我爸的事...... 希望没吓倒你.

erin: 还好啦..

erin: 更开心..

erin: 你还会想和我分享

ren: 我觉得.....

ren: 放个面具。。。当作好像没事发生似的。。。搞的今天这样子

ren: 。。。

ren: 没有朋友和我分享。。。

ren: 我也没和朋友分享

ren: 。。。朋友就以为，我都没有什么大间事

ren: 所以，当我有现在的问题时，我都不敢和他人分享。。。

ren: 不想破坏他们对我的影响

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is from Sunday night. (16 April 2006).

I am still not in stable mood though... still struggling, but I don't think I would show it. Dunno why...

Will talk more when the time is right. Now I need to study. Just came back from Arts Forum, after vexing all my frustrations. I nearly vented out my anger at Martin, Qin Yan and Wing Fai today, because I entertained the thought of being looked down, and plus the fact that I am not emotionally stable. Just a game of bridge, and I go that mad.

Well, gotta go. Study now.

Previous post: Tribute to In Retrospect

2006-04-17T15:08:00.000+08:00

I accidentally deleted this post. So I am re-uploading it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A final performance.

No more.

We disbanded.

My decision. Why?

Because there is something else in my life that I think is more important.

Yesterday night, at 10 pm, is the commencement of Band Jam. In Retrospect, playing opening. We were not up to the standard on that time because those songs we chose are the songs we practise recently, 2 days ago.Point is... I was ... skeptic...Actually, yesterday was supposed to be the build up of our band. I thought, with such good chance for us to perform, I want to continue playing in this band.It was such, until the end of our opening.

Our first half. We suck big time. Wrong key. Wrong tune. Wrong groove. I got stunned., I can't see anything on my fretboard, because there is no lighting on stage for us. Everything is disco-pitch-dark.

I came down devastated. I know this is not my best. I know that I screw up, because I did not do well. What I did was just came into band room, and think it through.

Next up was the Final Year Band. Peter Lau played bass. I sat and listened. He faced the same problem, but his positive attitude - be-shackled me.

I was sitting at the side, listening. Sudden thought in my mind. I regretted what I did in the first half.

Then, a sudden adrenaline rush.

I prayed and begged to God"God, I know I did you wrong by trying to show off just now. I am very very sorry... I know I am sincerely wrong. God, make the next line-up an event I will never regret. God, please tell me what to be of me, and let me be doing what I should do."

I do not know what else I prayed, but something stirred inside me.I want to do the best. For the band.

For the last.

That is not what I have in mind at all. I do not know why. But it has a tremendous impact on what I did later on.Our second half, was in total different quality. I am, till today, proud of it. I am really proud of it.

First song. Pieces. A song I always relate to alot. Try to be perfect the song says. And I try.

And I did. 2 months of constant practise with this song. And I believe in Practise makes Perfect policy. Because it did.

Second song. Creep. A song I should not play bass solo. And I did not play. In fact, my showmanship decreases alot compared to my RockFest gig. The 2 songs was our best cover songs.

Third song. Alby, our vocalist, gave the mic to Weiqiang. Weiqiang said something bizarre."I believe you guys want to hear Ren Kang singing right?"

I was surprised big time. He told me he will give me the mic. But not in such style.

"Right guys?"

The audience shouted "No, never. He cannot sing, and he spoils the crowd." And the swearing words came out.I was sad. Obviously. It is the truth. I can't even sing on key, let alone with good feel.

Daniel, our guitarist, sensed some problem. He came up to the mic."Hey, guys, do you know that this will be Ren Kang's final performance in Raffles Hall? He is not going to stay in Raffles Hall anymore, and even if you guys want to listen you guys won't have the chance already."

The guy who I initially feel skeptic to play with, now help me up.God, curse me for being unfriendly to him in the beginning. He is such a nice friend.But God did not do it. In fact, He encouraged me.

"You practised singing this song since last week. You really want to sing it to your earthly father, right? You want to let him know how you feel all along right? Take this as your stage. Let your father know what you want to say."

God whispered all these to me during the performance.

I cried a bit.

I was thankful for the darkness of the stage. If not, audience would have noticed it.

But emotional stir was brought up. I heard TK. "Go for it Ren Kang." I heard Eric Koh. "C'mon Ren Kang". Then ambiguous voices, "Yeah, Ren Kang - c'mon, we wanna hear you"

In the past, whenever I watched live performances, especially final item of bands, I always felt touched, literally, because of the support of the fans.I felt that on stage.

Which is why I cried.

I am very touched by the support of all these friends I know in Raffles Hall. But I have to leave. I made this pact with God, and I am promising Him."Guys, thanks. I really appreciate it. In Retrospect really appreciates it.""I never had stage fright when playing bass. But it is scary to sing.... haha""... I am going to sing this song, which I feel is meaningful to me. I hope you guys would know how to sing along with me. And please help me if I do not know how to sing. Thanks guys"

Amazing applause. I really thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart."

This song is called Perfect. By Simple Plan".

The whole song works out fine. Really. It never turn this well before, even during the practise. I am very proud of yesterday's Perfect. And, most important:While I was singing chorus. 'Cuz we've lost it all...', I heard it.

The audience.

They sang along.

Had it not for my will to continue singing, I would have broken down and cried. I am very touched. Sincerely. Yeah, I know I sounded like a wimp, but... do you know that X-Japan, the whole band, wept when they perform for their last touring live in Budokan on 1992? I can feel the same thing.

I am really proud of my friends who came down to support Raffles Hall bands, regardless of senior, junior, Minor Vibes or In Retrospect.It was great. It was an honour.

Fourth song. Weiqiang took back the mic. He sang another song from Simple Plan - Crazy. I helped him sang some of the part of the song. A little screw up, because I can't see my bass very well. But... the feel is fine.

Fifth song. Our last. Our best. Closing Time by Semisonic. Alby took back the mic. We did wonderful that day, just that I did not do my ending solo. My cable dropped. Actually, I don't mind. I think God told me. I have done enough of my showmanship. Time to give credit to the other band members.

Weiqiang later invited Evan to do guest-appearance for our last. HIM with the song The Wicked Game.

Oh yeah, previously, we do invite Rachel to perform Cake - I Will Survive. This song is very very difficult. My bass line is super complicated, and that I play until my hand felt numb. Haha...

Speaking of Rachel, she actually helped back me up when I was singing Perfect. I remembered hearing her saying, "He actually put alot of effort in trying to get the right key for himself for this song. He put extra effort just to make sure his voice hit the right key. Give him some credit."

I thanked Eric for saying, "Ren Kang rocks." It remains in my heart forever.

Later on is the Minor Vibes. I can't take it anymore.

I need to go back.

I went back to my room. Get ready for shower. In the shower, that is the time I wept."God, I thanked You for making this event such a memorable day to me."

Sudden rush of thought told me something. I would like to perform again, but I know I can't. I have other priorities which I neglected. Relationship with God. Relationship with friends. Relationship with parents and siblings. Relationship with my cousins. Homework. Studies. Spiritual refinement. I have neglected all these. I have forgotten how important all these meant to me. I have forgotten them all.

That is when a sudden thought came to me. I should quit music totally. Or should I?I was scared, because music is the best of what I can expressed as myself in my life. If I were to quit music and start afresh, there is alot to work on.I choose, however, to go through hardship. 2 years in Raffles Hall, and I am not learning anything. I am not growing. Most importantly, I am refraining myself.

I need to grow up. I told myself.

Which is why, I wept for quitting music as mainstream of my life. I wept.

Thanks to Joanna (Joanna Ting, not the hall Joanna). I talked to her and listen to her alot. Somehow I feel, there is still some close friends who care about how I progressed so far.

At least, I am not alone in struggles with God.

There is still more to come in the near future... but anyway, I got accepted an offer to go Kuok Foundation House. I need to reconsider my future now. Tough.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some spammer disturb this post, so I thought I would just take out the comment segment. But I was too in a hurry, so I deleted this whole post. Luckily, there is a saved document somewhere in my computer.

Anyway, I am going for interview today at 4 pm. See how loh. I now intend to just give it my best shot to God. If God says I should not do this work, then let it be. I am now giving Him the cue of my life.

Ren Kang

Should there be feelings?

2006-04-13T01:05:00.000+08:00

I have such thoughts once: if a person is rather cold to anybody, how would it be like? How would that person response when he meet with just anybody, regardless of friends, strangers, family, spouses (if he/she has in the first place).

Today, I unexpectedly met with this guy, the emotionless man i would call. Name him X.

He was a bit skeptic when it comes to proficiency. He demands skill and talents. He demands good thing out of me. When I was asking him about my Japanese Studies, Sino-Japanese relations essay, my part regarding the Cold-War reconciliation, he exclaimed in a monotonous remark: "This is not good enough. Do something".

When I was playing guitar today (I have not been playing long hour guitars for a long time.), I asked him how I am, is there any improvement. He would just reply: "Not there yet. I don't even approve Eric Clapton. Why you?"

I was slightly overjoyed when I receive a call from XXX (read my previous entry - just below) that I was given a second chance. I tried, and I realised how accomodative XXX is. XXX told me indirectly that I was allocated into this company, and XXX would not want to give me up. I am obviously happy, but when I asked X about this, all he could say was: "You sure you can do the job there? I doubt you could".

I talked to Zhu Yan alot just now. I haven't talked to her for a long time. She is one of my closest friend in hall. She helped me through alot. And this time around, I was happy that we actually chatted a bit. The feeling is relieved, after staring at the computer and books for 1 month. I told X how relieved I was to have relaxed and come to study after a few instant, all he could say is: "Man, what is going wrong with you? Exam is less than 2 weeks time, and you still got time to chit-chat with your friends?"

I sometimes do not like him. He pisses me off alot. He thought he was the boss of everything. He thought that he could manipulate me by letting me know what should be done.

You would think: If I don't like him that much, why don't I just ignore him?

I would say: What if that person is the guy inside your heart, your mind, your soul?

What if that guy is YOU?

I struggles with the other personality everytime. Early in the morning, I want to believe it is a good day. I really want to. But The X-Man says "No, it is just another day. You got to do what is supposed to be done weekly."

Recently it lurks alot. I have problems trying to decide what to do this coming holiday. I really want to do more of spiritual growth, at a point of time, since I wouldn't get a job at A*Star company, might as well do some own characteristics growth. But the problem arises when 'evaluation' came from Mr. X

"What is the point? You better go back home. No money worries. Aren't you facing with financial difficulties now? Then going back home would be good. No worries, you stay back home for 3 months, relax. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? Just do what YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. Why wasting time waiting for something that might not work. Worst, why you want to try pub guitarist in the first place? You can't play, and I have never thought you could play, and you already know you can't play, so why bother?"

Believe me or not, these are the things that was repeated in my mind, like a Repeat One function in Mp3 players. I really got screwed up by this Mr. X. ... yeah, me myself.

I don't know what to say. Darn the guy who allows split personality. I should have banned him and let him know: "There is no such thing as perfect life dude. Give me a break".

Yeah, I am still struggling with it. Give me some time. Tranquiliser will help alot. Yeah, very much.

Horrid Announcement

2006-04-12T14:03:00.000+08:00

Below is something I expect long before.

This is an email from Institute of Infocomm Research, A*Star company in Singapore, place where it is in National University of Singapore.

By XXX to Yeo Ren Kang

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Ren Kang

We regret to inform that you have not been selected for project 30.

The other 4 choices that you have opted have already been taken up.

I have attached a list of other projects which are still available for you to select.

If you are interested, please indicate your choice(s) by stating the Project no. and Project title as

soon as possible.

Best regards

XXX

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man... Now I don't know what to do. Even if I expect it, I never expect the other projects to be rejected as well... No mood to write... Please help me.

When A Sinner sounded like a Saint

2006-04-06T20:09:00.000+08:00

A problem in our life. We thought we are good. We thought we are great. When we did know that the screw up happened a minute before. Sounded absurb. But this is human nature.

2 things: Choice and commitment

Remember the time when you say, you promise you want to be good, then end up having to lie your way through, just to make sure you get through it? Haha, there are such times.

Remember the time when you say, you want to make this choice, cause your supposed evaluation told you that you need to do this, but when a better choice come out, you supposed change your mind. Well, of course, depend on what the better choice is. If not, don't you think these two points say the same thing? You break your promise.

Who cares whether is it from you yourself, or your promise with other people? Breaking promise is still breaking promise.

I happen to see that recently.

I was choosing the hostel application, which one is going to be my next place of residence. I told myself before hand, I am going to stay outside. No matter what. I don't want to screw my life with internet access again. It is pretty bad because I am addicted to it.

Out of fun came trauma. I happened to browse through my choices of hall applications. Guess what? I got Kuok Foundation House. Guess what? That place is 1 inch away from Raffles Hall. Guess what? That place is as near to Engineering Faculty as Raffles Hall. And guess what? That place is where I always wanted to be since my cousin stayed there 4 years ago.

I was stunned for a few moments. What the hell?

I felt like being fooled around. Now, a better choice for me came up. Then, come alot of evaluations. Hey, staying Kuok is so much better. No more hall commitments. No more activities. No one to care what activities you are going to do. You can mix with whatever friends you have. You can have your own sleeping hour. You can have your own day and night all by yourself. You can go internet at any time you like.

There comes all the excuses to say: Hey Kuok is better than my grandma's house. Heck care grandma's house.

I always thought how fast human beings change their thought. I felt it first hand. What more, I learned so fast and I applied it on the spot. So fast. Next click, I confirm the application.

This morning I woke up with a premonition. Why am I being hypocrite? Just say that you don't want to stay at Raffles Hall because you don't like Raffles Hall. Is that difficult?

It comes very hard that I wonder why it became the first thing in my mind, especially this morning.

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it isn't. But I realise it is true. My friends say recently I am hyper. Everyday I am counting the days of me leaving hall. Or rather, exam and hall. What is going on with me?

I am really... I felt bad saying this, but I think I am being truthful to myself. I felt myself underperform, regardless of academic strivation, friendships, and most importantly, nurturing my own self. I am succumbing to pressures of 'Please join this, please join that', while I am in Raffles Hall. Other halls either, but I never thought that I got such strong thoughts.

But then and again. I guess I am bad.

Another thing: the band 'In Retrospect'. Recently, Tommy See Tho told me about the band stuff after Band Jam. He told me that the band is wasted to have me gone. He told me the band is good, and raw enough. And sure enough, he said that we could have won JamX competition if we presevere. For the sake of convincing me, he jammed with me, with Mel and Gerald.

Funny thing is. I actually complied to what he said, despite making a decision to pass out and disband.

I was sure that band is wasting my time, but my desire to play guitar and bass never stopped. 15 minutes to master Sick Cycle Carousel - Lifehouse. Then my neighbour, Kao Jie, invited me to try taking up as a pub guitarist at a cafe in Plaza Singapura. Hark Music. I check the web. This is not for me. I am way too lousy for their standard. But my neighbour said that I am good enough.

Oh man. Suddenly all these urge of playing in band, playing music comes back. Again, I broke the promise of stopping music once and for all.

This is bad. Really bad.

I broke two major promises. Nothing works. And it sees some effects.

I am very behind lectures. I am now in depressed mode when it comes to relationships. My mom sensed it few weeks ago. She asked me if I ever like any girl in my campus.

I told my mom. "Studies are like mad already. I cannot concentrate. I cannot even breathe properly".

Mom agreed. But then, she realised that it is wrong to think that I cannot breathe properly.

She asked me. "Don't you have anyone you like currently?"

"Mom, I told you, I really got no time to think. I think even when I work, I will still be the same."

She was stunned. "I don't want you to marry late, because that is really bad for your future."

"Future? Mom, I think I should tell you earlier, but I never intend to marry or whatever. At least not now. So many things to think of. My studies. My working-related stuff. I got rejected my internship."

"Ren Kang... is studying in Singapore so tough?"

"No, it is not. But I choose to make it tough. Because I cannot make it easy."

"Please, son. I don't want to see you remain single until very late. Very bad for you. At least, be attracted."

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I lost all the zeals, not because I am not being attracted to someone. Ask any of my Raffles Hall friends. They know me. Any girl of my type would be subjected to comedic rumour. Any. That's right. Any.

But one for sure. I am so critically rationalising alot of the 'love factor'. I thought, is it possible to find a christian girlfriend? Am I being able to commit to a relationship?

Haha, when I thought of the first 2 questions I laughed at myself.

Talking about Christian girlfriend when you are yet still part of the church members sounded far fetched. I never consider that going for other church females. It is virtual impossible for me. Because I am not the type who would go for adventures. So is the same with non-Christians. But I admit, I like the sensation of fantasising us together, regardless of who the girl is.

Commitment? HAHAHAHA. Don't talk about commitment with girlfriend. I can't even commit to myself. Ask me to find a time to be quiet and think about life through? Not a chance. I can't even commit to my work. Ask me to do homework? Never. I can't even commit to my friends. You wil be surprised that most of the time I am the type who I will approach the friend if I got problems. Sharing session? Not a chance. Unless you are my close friend.

And even as close friends, you ask them. Either he/she comes to me when got something to share, or I go to them. But that's about that. To say really enjoy once a week talking together or 'dating' that will be atrocious. Never got a chance. I am the guy who likes sleeping, watching adult anime (not porn related, most of the time the violent and political ones, like Gantz and Ghost in the Shell). And if you want to talk about what kind of stuff that I am committed to do? Be lazy. That is what I can do best.

So sometimes. I realise. If I can't do all these things properly, don't even bother to look for a girl. I am this bad. Very bad.

Sorry. Today I was not in good mood. Although I won 6 matches in social Bridges during tea time. It doesn't cheer my heart at all. I am pissed off. Totally.

Not because of the things above. But just that... I hate myself for not being the right self.

Back 2 Back (Msia to Singapore)

2006-03-19T19:42:00.000+08:00

Was back during the weekend, and the first time that I did not spend any of my time going online from Friday to Sunday morning. And I realise. I was fine without onlining.

For the first time. After so many days of thinking: am I addicted to onlining?

Haha. I laughed myself off.

2 days back home. Nothing much happen. I want to study, (well, at least to a certain extent) but then I remember I need to do some stuff. (Photocopying my history book for project work, looking for watch, check out the bass Indran gonna sell me etc.)

Friday. Aunt Jessica saw me while I am going to Yoli, a stationary shop beside my secondary school photocopying. She told me to come and support Joel and the Joyful Grace Presbyterian Church English Speaking Congregation - Youth Group - their performance.

So much of an invitation. I intend to study. But nevermind I thought. Coming to support them was not a bad idea.

And indeed it wasn't. In fact I enjoy it. I came as a visitor, met a couple of friends, then talk to Joel they all. And surprisingly, the girls in the Youth Fellowship, who used to be so shy that 'a touch of them' will cause them to move to seclusion (sound familiar? Think of a plant) - now - even dare to talk to me ON EQUAL STATUS.

Well, for their enjoyment, I would let them. Haha. Jocelyn and Joanna must be mystified by them. I can't believe they are so ... ahem... different from how I know... ahem... 4 weeks ago.

This is totally different, but me, Indran and Blum enjoy it. It shows that the cold ice that we feared forever in freezed mode starts to melt.

Anyway, nothing much happen back home. I got to try out the bass, it was fine for me, I got more control of it. (It is rather short, something I would like to play my type of bass). I read finish the articles that Johnathan Kwok asked me to read. But I haven't started writing yet.

Hmm... one funny thing though. I wonder why am I so anticipated to going back to Singapore, when my friend, Cho, always complained that he wants to come back to Pontian.

Back 2 Back, neh?

A Day of ... Many Things

2006-03-16T01:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, whenever I thought I finished up one assignment, I realise... there are still many to go.

Congrats, first of me finishing the Position Paper. In 48 hours, I have compiled and completed writing the necessary ideas and indentations of my position of Singaporean mindset. Too bad is: I realise, I am 98 words too much. But well, it seems alright to my tutor, so I just go on with it.

Before I proceed, I just realise how confused my mind is for the last entry. Everything I meant to said is in the opposite for the first part of the blog. Man. I must be in the midst of enjoying the assignment.

Well, anyway. Back to the topic.

I was not aware that many things have been piled up, thanks to the continuous inexistence of me in classes. For time record: I have not been to classes for 8 consecutive weeks. Thanks to Rock Fest, Phoenix Fest and Band Jam. Which is what I think: starting from next academic year, I will not perform unless my time is in right organisation with my life.

Anyway, good news. I received a place in Institute of InfoComm Research in NUS. A job during my vacation stay. 8 May till 29 July. 2 months and 20 days. I hope I will enjoy it, but it seems to me that being a research engineer is rather more difficult. I have to do alot of self-study on the arena that I would be given. Next week will be the interview for places. Said that I have already been given a place in the company, just that the supervisors choosing now. Hmm. I hope it is fine

But my fear starts to tremble. Because, despite all these, I still haven't manage to catch up lectures, tutorials and labs. Looks like I am going to mug.

Oh wait, hold on. Still got Sino-Japanese contemporary relations to research on.

I really need to organise properly.

Recently I have been living in supreme poverty. Today, I manage to tell Dr. Patrick of the issue of my face. He understood it is getting worst. I told him I wanted to get treatment from him, but the time is not right for me. I have not enough money. He told me he can wait. But he could see my desperation.

Lucky thing for me: I am going back this week. I need the money. Mom sees the approval. She checked my balance account. She agrees. Man, I suddenly miss home.

Hmm... maybe it will be good. But I don't know. Everytime I go back, there is this bad atmosphere between me and my parents, particularly my father. Nowadays, people told me that I am too critical to my dad. Well. I never thought so before. But now, yeah I do.

So, for me, what I am going to do now is to be natural, just like how I am in school. The joker, according to my co-horts. The 'man who never stop a moment of not chatting' by Joanna. The 'man who always show peace sign' by Jocelyn. The 'guy who can never think critically' by Martin. The 'good angel' by Erin. The 'handsome guy' by Jasmine. The 'guitar freak' by Dr. Patrick. The 'full of himself' by Eng Kiat. The 'good guy'... by one and only ... Ah Jie...

Man, I still cannot forget her. After many years. Now she is getting married soon. And still. Perhaps it is really time not to think about this. I still got a lab to attend, a conference to attend, a lecture to attend, a band to practise, lessons to catch up, and... sleep to get enough of.

1.32 am. Perhaps I should sleep now. Too tired. Cleaning up the room tomorrow. Maybe. Maybe not.

Bad Day - Own Bad Habit

2006-03-13T20:08:00.000+08:00

2 habits to declare: Bad attitude/approach and Bad timing

Scary thing is, these 2 are the worst part of my life that makes me 1. not good in studies; 2. not good at girls.

Funny why I say girls? Well, it is about approaching girls to start a conversation. Better still, give an impression to the girl that I am worthy to talk to. But what happens is that, I haven't even gotten the chance to talk, and already it becomes bitter.

Li Ting told me my attitude is wrong towards girl. I should talk like I know everything about girls. Rule 1: Don't think you are famous until you can simply flirt around. First rule: Look at yourself first. Who the hell do you think you are?

Was having dinner with my normal co-horts, but I never thought today was a sulky day for me. Stupid Chen Hai. He shouldn't tell that girl that I want to flirt with her. It is true, but he should know that this is a sensitive thing. Bad thing is, she jeered at me. Feel like a loser. This reminds me of my failed pursuit with Li Xia, and Jayne before. Man. Those days are sucky man.

Thing is, I like this girl alot. Bad thing is I like because she looks pretty to me. But I never want to admit it. Everytime I try to look at her in a proper manner, I always thought, how pretty she look. This is really not good. I never lusted about her (Thank God), but it was still bad. She was someone's girlfriend (one of my co-horts) last semester. This semester they do not seem to be together anymore so I assume they are not going very well either. But bad thing when Chen Hai said that. It is very insulting to a girl.

I do like her appearance and her look, but please, don't assume that I like her. I know, I am sorry I did the mistake of commenting her everytime I see her, and I sincerely apologized. It is my selfish desire to think of someone to be exactly the same as my ideal girl. So I sincerely apologize.

This explains why I do not have a girlfriend. I never have a proper thought. If I can't accept a girl as who she is, and keep on commenting things, I will never grow. I know this. But the worst part is: I do not want to change that.

Bad thing right? Yeah I know.

I used to think, I think remaining single is good. I thought of 5 years ahead what I will become - but I realise I am stretching the timeline only in terms of appearance, outlook and my appeal. Never a thought about my future. I see myself having clean and nice looking face... ...

Speaking of face. I feel bad whenever I see myself at the mirror. The Volcanic Acne is destroying my life. Its impact is so strong that I would rather not go out and meet people, because I do not want to let people see my face. This is how bad it is.

I am always judged since young from my appearance. My mom always told me, people look your face sure know what your character is. I guess, though it is wrong, it is made right in my mind already. Now, I dare not let people see my right cheek. That's where all the acne gather the troops to overcast the normal cheek, and conquering it with small red hills.

Turmoil. I even prayed to God to stop it. It is wreaking my life.

Which is why, whenever I talk to girls, I am very scared to let people see my face. It is this bad. What to do.

Oh, about the bad timing, I think I will write next time. Not now. I need to rush Critical Thinking and Writing. I must finish everything today.

Bright Entry

2006-03-10T17:56:00.000+08:00

A good entry. Why?

I suddenly feel happy after yesterday's test. That's all.

Why?

I think God is good to me.

These few days, after a few days of feeling sad, I suddenly feel very lightened. I do not care about the result initially. What I do know is that I did my best, and I will see to it, if I can do something about my test. Sorta like: God knows you are busy, and I know you are busy, so what you do is just give your best shot, that you personally feel is the best standard and best performance you can think up for yourself.

And, when the final mid-term paper comes out, I realise. Whoah... Was I dreaming? I actually can do all these questions?

I did not attend any of my Electromagnet Lecture. I depended alot on my A' level knowledge. I know it might not be correct, but I at least got the fundaments. For Electronics, I studied the most I could think of, and although my friend says it is so easy you never expect it to be targetted to University students, I never thought that the level was easy until I only study one day, and I can answer one out of two questions.

Funny me. Is God wonderful?

But I thought for long last night. I screwed up alot during the past week. Instead of studying I go watch BECK anime. Instead of watching webcast, I go chatting with friends.

Funny. Why?

This morning when I woke up, I realise my room is messy. Took a good hour to clean everything up. Then out of sudden I realise how disorganised I am. I check my timetable, I check my schedule in two weeks' time. Nothing is right. Things that I planned one month ago is yet to be done.

A sudden gush of thought came to me. I have been skipping so many lectures, and I should catch up. But then, I got project deadlines coming up. Many. Plentiful. I am breathless.

Could it be that God gave me early privilege so that I could focus on these projects? It could be.

Well, today I got the chance to blog, 'cause Joanna read it, and I thought it would be better if I say something recent. Haha, sorry dude. I am updating girl.

Anyway, I need to catch up all the lectures. This coming Thursday, my Japanese Studies don't have webcast. I need to update myself, so that I could come for the 'guest speaker' lecture.

Life has been good. The performances refreshed my mind about my role as a bassist. James Yeo (my favorite bassist in Raffles Hall) told me this once. Bassist is the background technician to provide groove. My ultimate is to make the audience 'grooved' to the music, and not to show off how good you are. My music mentor, Tan Eng Kiat always scolded me for trying to show skills, whereby I can't even get the basics correct.

After Phoenix Fest performance, I realise. Yeah, both of them are right.

Boon Yong played simple ones. In fact I can play those notes. But I will never be able to play the way he played them. Groove is there. Feeling is there. Mine? I am doing as a soloist, not a bassist.

So... after much thought, I decided. The main reason why I want to leave Raffles Hall, is not just to change into a new environment and see how Singaporeans live their life, but there are things which I want to learn and I want to make sure I have the heart and the determination to learn. Staying in Raffles Hall caused me much problems in finance, which deterred my progress in practising bass.

So I decided. Once I move out, I must find a bass tutor. I need formal training. Had such thoughts that I am a talented player, and I can learn and pick up fast in my bass. Now - no longer. I need to learn properly, and be disciplined.

If I want to play serious in bass, I should not ignore it.

Another thing. To stay outside, I can study in my own pace because I am not troubled by the demands from Hall activities. I spend too much time on certain activities that needs participation.

Last thing. I remember in God's Word. 2 Timothy 2:22

Run from anything that gives you the evil thoughts... but stay close to anything that makes you want to do right.

Refrain myself from Internet. Currently, the effect is overwhelming. I can't control my urge to chat until midnights. I can't control the urge to watch adult humor videos. Hence, it is time to do something about it.

Well, hope I am making the right decision.

Today I am happy, maybe I will go jogging again. Just like yesterday. Come to think of it. Jogging makes me happy. I don't know why.

The Ongoing Complications

2006-03-08T10:58:00.000+08:00

There are many things in life we always consider. regardless of school work (for me as a student) or your own life (like myself, its the managing of the activities, own spiritual feedings, my own practices on guitars, and my social interactions). Many things in life require great thoughts and care, and definitely you cannot just go there and say - "Heck care lah, we come out with something good enough already".

Precisely. That is what I thought when I play in band.

Anyway, I was performing yesterday, and thought that I was overdoing the showmanship. Reason? I do not know that it was ME playing bass for Radiohead - Creep. I was literally succumbed into the band feel. Other players just look like dead people, but I was playing as if I am committing suicide on stage. (Knelt down and play). It sounded stupid, but that is what I did during RockFest. Very bad attitude. I realise that I can't help but doing it.

I remember always, that I tell my friends - playing in band we need to always work on band feel, and work on tightness. And guess what? I am playing solo onstage regardless how bad it looks. I just WANNA LOOK GOOD! I realise I had been telling a big lie to my friends, telling them that I want good band feel, where in actual fact, I just want to play solo and look good myself alone.

Ouch, Eng Kiat told me that. That hurts. It really hurts.

You know sometimes, when you do something out of the right direction, you would always thought that if no one finds out everything will be fine. But for me, the most hurtful part is when someone knows your true intention.

Well, after one night of sleep, I got a clearer picture myself. I know what I did is wrong. I never humbled myself. I always exalted myself. Trying to act as if I am a good buddy. Cut the crap, RK. You are just another hypocrite.

You see, many things in my life is rather simple, though my friends told me they can't actually judge who I am. Sometimes I am moody, sometimes I am happy-go-lucky, sometimes I don't care the things in the world. Sometimes I would be angry over small things that did not turn up correctly.

Well, here is the solution: I am hypocrite. Somethings I like, some things I don't. But above all, I JUST WANNA GET NOTICED FOR BEING SUPERB! After one night of thought, yeah I think, that is my intention.

Very bad, and I realise it until this morning.

I hope it is not too late to realise this, because if it is, it makes me mad. It will really make me mad.

I remember the few nights when I was alone depressing. After one night, everything seems clearer now.

Bad thought, and I think, it is really time to refrain such thought. For the sake of myself. For God's sake. I know everytime I did all the exalting, I finally realise God is angry. I never thought so. I only realise it now. I hope it is not too late about this. Sincerely.

Then, this morning I received an email from Raffles Hall Orientation Committee (RHOC) Chairperson. Ask us to join back RHOC as officers. Telling us the privilege and the plans. Telling us how important it is to have such committee and such. If I were to be bad boy, I would definitely be the first to reject.

I used to be. I thought, I have to cope with studies. I am in bad shape myself. My studies is not what I expect. I have financial difficulties, I am doing Internship during the holidays, and my parents are objecting this committee. Many things that is against my odds. Definitely I would choose not to join anymore.

I had such thoughts, which is why, initially, when the email came to me, I had this impulsive thought to just reply rejecting her. But then and again. When I heard the pleading, the letter wrote in pathetic notes, saying how desperate they need us, I could not help but feeling bad for RHOC. Had not they did such a thing to use, we will never feel bad about not joining RHOC, and joining RHOC either. I suffer alot. I lost a close friend, I lost a sense of friendliness in the RHOC, and the best thing I learn is to be critical to everyone.

I applied my accomodation stays already. None of them are Raffles Hall. Think it is a good idea? I doubt initially, but I wonder why, after looking at my result of life and my studies, especially when I were to face God now and He asked me, I would say... I hope I make the right decision NOT TO stay in Raffles Hall. It is time to move out. Seriously.

(No one) to (Someone)

2006-02-26T16:30:00.001+08:00

2 days, I wonder, why God used these 2 days to let me understand my innerself.

Saturday, after studying a few sub-topics of Micro-electronics, I was in total delirious. (Chill, I used that because I suddenly got mind block). I suddenly realise, that there's this one song playing over my mind so many times, and it kept on repeating.

Simple Plan - Perfect

(Check the lyrics, you might understand why)

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think I'm wastin my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
and you can't change me

(Chorus)
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last for ever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

(Chorus)

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand

(Chorus x2)

The lyrics were just too hard to be ignored. I thought it so many times. They are singing exactly what I have been thinking for years. Why on earth did my dad just can't say a word of encouragement to me. Why on earth can't my dad speak right with me?

My good result when I score perfect during my primary and secondary years? You should have gotten that all along. When I got all As and 1B, I can't believe he only looked at the B. When I scored full As for my pre-Uni, he diverged and never even want to talk about it.

I never got so angry until recently, when I see how my Dad responded to my Mum. By the time I reached hall, I was more than happy to be 'back in Singapore'. What's going wrong in my thought? I was forsaking my Dad?

That night, I can't think straight. Saturday night I normally ended up chatting with friends, but that night I can't even think properly. It was this bad. I can't judge, I can't study. Worst, I can't focus my mind to do something. That is how bad it is. Very bad.

The next day, out in the middle of my dream, I thought of going to church. Sunday, the day I blogged here. Morning I reached there abit late. Can't be helped. In the bus, there was a heated arguments between an old lady, with the bus driver. She gave claims that she did transact through E-Z link card. Thank goodness, I thought the bus driver would just ignore her, and she kept on refuting him, and pull the blame of the driver insisting on her paying to the government. Bad example for the children. She was nearly cursing everyone.

Then I had this sudden thought. My Dad had such thoughts in his mind all the while. I remembered him talking casually to my Mom one day, and it seemed to me that he had such thoughts alot more... but it was just put off as a casual remark.

But the church event was a big thing to me. I was attending the 40 Days of Purpose by the Aldersgate Methodist Church. Though I literally knew no one there, I was attending the church with ease of mind. And for today, Pastor Rick Warrens, through video simulcast, gave an introductory sermon of the Purpose Driven Live (R).

It was thought provoking, but what really strikes me hard was the final message, when he actually gave an account of his father.

He said how his father, despite in his dying days, still wants to save life. Even though he was bed-ridden in the hospital ward for his cancerous illness, he kept on wanting to be actively in-charge in the ministry. Pastor Rick Warrens told of how his father relentless spoke of the things he wanted to make sure is right, like how the ministry should be, the building of the church and such.

But what provokes me alot is the idea of having his Dad last days. He got agitated and tried to move up. He got comforted and lied down, but moments later he woke up again. Pastor Rick Warrens' wife got so tired of comforting him that she asked him, "What exactly do you want Father?"

All his father could say is, "Gotta save one more for Jesus."

He repeated this line for many hundreds of times, according to Pastor Rick Warrens. For me, it seems to be hitting so much in my thought. Had it not for being in the public, had it not for being hypocrite, I would have knelt down and wept, just like how I did for the past few days in my room.

He reminded me of how passionate I used to be for God, and how I promised that I would forgive my dad. He reminded me, above all, how much I was willing to look up to my dad for his other criteria, like being caring for me during my appendix operation. He never mentioned a word of discouragement, and I think, right now, I remembered what he told me before the operation: "Pray to your God, son. He is watching over you."

Now that I think of it, I am so sorry that I cursed my dad so many times before. I am so sorry that I forgot of very difficult times where he did not condemn me. If there are times whereby I hated him, I shouldn't have done so. Times when I am embarassed by his awkwardness, I should not.

I remember watching an old man walking alone on the street. I used to curse the children who allow him that. Now, when I saw him again, I thought... Had I not think of how evil I am towards my dad, I could be the children I always curse of.

Lord, prepare my heart. I am sorry I never acknowledge my dad. I thought that I was the right one. You proved me wrong today. I am glad it was this day, and not too late. My dad's condition is bad, I knew it. I could see it. I am sorry I angered him till this day. I am even sorry for my unwillingness to forgive my dad for persecuting me when I was very young.

Today, after a few rounds of studying I realise, if I don't take this heavy heart of mind to convict it to Lord Jesus, I will never be able to proceed. Be it studies, schools, bands, love, my devotions, my habits, my love for God. If I cannot forgive the one who I hated, God will definitely not want it.

I never believe it that before. Now I did. I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I think people rarely come to this blog, so I may be writing some personal stuff here soon. Please God, allow me to be more honest with You, so that the deadly sins that I had not confessed will be brought up to You. Amen Lord!

Nostalgic Sorrow

2006-02-22T14:46:00.000+08:00

Been here for nearly 24 hours. So far, I haven’t started studying EE2005 (Electronics). Haven’t really got the mood to do it. Before I slept yesterday night, I was thinking – darn, I forgot I still got Band and Unplugged+ to do. We haven’t even thought of the right arrangement. I almost forgot, after trying to catch up the lectures for which I missed for the past few weeks. It is always hard to try to study back in Malaysia, particularly in my room at Pontian.

Yesterday I managed to talk smoothly with Dad. I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t. I had a bad dream. That Dad had some calamities. I faced him. The first time in my life and I felt sulky. I don’t feel like weeping. Something’s wrong.

But then, something struck me. If I were Dad, who was being isolated from Grandma since young, and faced the trauma of meeting with an insane and mentally ill retard for a few years during his years alone in Pontian, Johore, you would feel isolated too. You will go crazy. You will strike yourself dead before you meet anyone. Because you don’t want people to see how sick you are when you are actually being traumatic. Deep thoughts caused me to suddenly feel sad again. Again. I saw my dad’s calamities in my dream. I woke up with wet eyes. I thought I was poured with water. No, anywhere around me is dry. Only my eyes being wet. Gosh, this is the second time I had such dreams. First time though, when my mom told me about dad’s past. How my mom ended up being with my dad.

A lot of bad things in my life in the past. A lot of unforgiving manners of myself in the past. When I came up to know God, I didn’t know that He let Satan attacked me while I was vulnerable with these secrets of my life. It was horrible, horrifying. Satan knew that my worst weakness is to be raked up the history of my past with my dad.

But today, when I saw that Dad suddenly had a headache when I nearly got angry, I realized that I let satan did it. I let him have control over my temper. I don’t want to go visit dentist early in the morning, but Dad told me that they don’t do afternoon service. Simple as that. Then I got angry. Out of no reasons. Stupid me. I should have tolerated. I didn’t. I thought I can convince him. But he suddenly nearly collapsed. Thank You God, for the invention of chairs. It would seem apparent to the world that my dad collapsed. But my dad didn’t. Thank You God.

I was left thinking a lot. Yeah, I did go for the dentistry visit. Everything was fine. Our way back also the same. We chatted like the normal times. I always tried my best to convince myself that I shouldn’t have such hatred. I need to forgive my Dad. He is old. He really is. 60 years old. Who can complain?

He looks 35. But when you talked with him, you thought he’s 70 plus. He can hardly talk very fluently. But he is still in good shape. He still play guitar better than me. He insisted.

But then, I asked God – God, You know what I really hoped of from him. Why did he do it?

For so many years, I recount of none – n o n e – of an incident whereby my dad would say ‘Good job, my son’. I remember being 2nd place in my school – STPM. This is the best achievement that I have got for my entire life, because I knew I put extra hard work for it. I am no genius I admit, but I study more than human can tolerate. In fact I should – my aim to National University of Singapore. I went there when I was a kid, around secondary school period, and my cousin brought me there. He is an Electrical Engineer student that time. He stayed in Kuok Foundation House. He brought me to Sports and Recreational Centre. I think he did bring me somewhere around also. But little did he know that that particular day inspired me to come to National University of Singapore (NUS).

Anyway, back to where I started. I remember getting the award. All my friends gave me the winner look. The only students who came in the secondary school being looked down by any guys you would remember – turned out to be the winner in his golden year. But when I got home, it was like the old days. My Dad would just casually say, “Why did not you get Number 1? It doesn’t mean anything to me.”

Had not my mother encouraged me to go on, I would have leave home by now. Really. I was in the last position when I was in Secondary 1, and I hit my way through to Number 2. And thank goodness, you called that “Nothing to you”?

All the bad things he would magnify. Me being a liar, bully my sister, computer addict, playing the wrong sports, lousy guitarist – all these seem to be fluent in his speech. But not being improved kid since young. Never once did he acknowledge me as a good child. Never.

But then, when I went back home today, after visiting the dentistry, I realize the biggest mistake I thought of. Why do I seek humanly acknowledgement? They don’t last forever. In fact, they want you to do better. All because they love you for what you do, and not who you are. I then thought of God. I remember the time when I finally convicted myself to God. It was when I was in Secondary 4. That period was a total depression to me. The lowest peak during that period. God spoke to me. He told me I couldn’t do things alone. I can’t. I need God. He told me that. And I really accepted him. And I am glad that I still hold on to this even when I am utter disappointed. I nearly vent my anger, but I thought of God. God could have persecute me for what I thought of. Worst, God could have nailed me on the cross instead of Jesus. But He didn’t.

Today, I had just finished arranging the Unplugged team. I realize that I would later tell Gerald and Justin regarding the band stuff. Maybe tomorrow night so that we could start practice on Friday night. I might be finishing up my Japanese Studies lectures. Oh, and I almost forgot, maybe I will take a look at some of the articles of mindset of Singapore for Critical Thinking and Writing. Did I forget something? How about Pspice for Electronics? I don’t seem to remember there is such assignment, and it s due in a month’s time. Man, there are a lot of things in NUS. Rockfest, Phoenix Fest, EAL invitation, Band Jam. After that it would be the final exam. After that? Internship. Man, I better need some life support. I really do. I have just recovered from the depression period. Please God, don’t plunge me into one again. It is tormenting.

Starting the Ending

2006-02-18T14:47:00.000+08:00

Midterm break first day. I am studying the entire Chapter 3 of Electromagnet. First time. I never did that before in my entire life. Was I just motivated? Or was there some other reasons?

Yesterday I went for the Handball try-out. Kenji told me I got the capability to play keeper. Hah, instead I am assigned as a centre. I can't play very well, in fact I made them lost runs alot of times. I nearly vent my anger when I thought I couldn't throw on-target to the goal. But, funny thing is - Kenji was right - I felt happy being able to go for such tryouts.

One: I got alot of encouragement. Weizhen and Hanwei never condemned me even when I can't grip the ball properly. Ian, the captain of Handball's team, told me not to be too negative on myself. He told me the fact that I came down for Handball tryout showed that I got the courage to try. Guoyan tossed me a ball when he saw me never got my turn playing penalty shootouts. Eu Jin bothered to tell me the rule of the game, when we tried Touch Handball. He bothered to tell me what to do even during the game. Sometimes, I realise, I have been kinda hard on myself. But these seniors, especially Eu Jin, the person I do not like in the first place, made me respect him and like him alot since the tryout. His friendliness, plus the fact that the other 2nd years, who always joked with me during the game. I will never forget June Fei, who explained lengthily to me certain rules and technics and never even once, when I screw up passing, did he ever condemn me. My goodness. Just when I scold myself in front of everyone, he was the one who encouraged me the most. Sometimes I wonder - Was I too hard on myself?

The day before yesterday, I shared with Yanchang my struggle in Hall, and the reason why I decided to leave Hall. He did not persuade me, but he wanted me to look in a different light. Is it really about Hall that makes me such? He let me see a different view, and ultimately, before I slept I realised how important is one's discipline. Without discipline, you can make even a good environment to study as bad as devils could describe.

Yesterday night, I met Andrea and Wei Xiong (They just finish hall production). We kinda talked alot (Haha, Andrea with her chatter-box characteristics, we almost talked for 1 hour talking cock. Haha). We chatted for a while, and I expressed my interest to either change hall, like to Kent Ridge Hall, or don't at all. It seemed not bad to me, but they seem to have alot of opinions against staying in Hall. Well, I can't complain. Andrea no longer stays in Raffles Hall, although she is still my prize possession in Unplugged+ and she agreed to 'sign a contract' with as long as I am in charge of Unplugged+. Well, things like this do happen huh?

Later at night, I realise, everything has been in such a fast pace, I did not realise that I have neglected alot of things that are supposed to be dedicated to God. In fact, it is quite plentiful. For example, I have been so busy handling Unplugged+ events, the Valentine's Day Dinner Time Jamming Session and Inter Hall Games Closing Ceremony Semi-Formal Dinner... that I have forgotten how sad I was and how I told God I want to change anew my life. I totally forgot those days when I wept like mad, until Mr. Kurdip and Dr. Patrick asked if I thought of suicidal. Haha, now that I think of it, I shouldn't have lied to them. I should just told them it is because of me seeking God, and in the process of confession, I am asking for God's deliverance in my life. Anyway, I think they knew what's going on, since they did not asked me anymore after that.

But for me, after the days of weeping, something inside me is changing. The schedule? I still suck in it, there are times when I almost forgot I had a meeting with my Critical Thinking and Writing groupmates. The emotion? Not really, remember what I said about nearly lost my temper during Handball tryout? Relationships with people? No, I still have some defense on me with some of the friends in Block 3A, in which we still had some problems trying to communicate in a personal manner.

So what is the problem? What makes me feel good today, that I can catch up my Electromagnet?

Reason being: I thanked God for giving me encouragements. I failed along the way, but He never stopped encouragements flourishing towards me. Remember the friends I had who kept on encouraging me during Handball tryouts? Remember Yanchang? Oh, I almost forgot, Kah Liat.

We went to the same lab yesterday morning. It was miraculous. We never had labs together. I almost did not talk to him for a long time. Grew bitter with him. I don't know why. But yesterday we had the same lab. We helped each other out. He told me not to be 'kancung' - anxious (my normal traits, and he kept on telling me to change that since year 1, and I think partly because of this characteristic he did not like me much as a friend). Surprisingly, I was very calm. Though yesterday we had the usual "Wa lao eh, you know how to do or not? Don't kancung leh, can do one, no problem", but we seemed to talk alot and the friendship bonded back like how I first met a new friend in Raffles Hall. He is my first friend. Funny, even then Gary did not know me well. Man, I missed those days. I don't know if there would be such days anymore or not, but he is ... like normal. And such small things, meant big to me.

Midterm break now. It starts at the end of the half-term semester. Many changes will be inplemented. Lecturers' changing. Tutorial starts to have quizzes soon. My lab starts to be very hectic by then. Performance - 5th March Rockfest, 8th March Phoenix Fest, 11th March Open House, 29th March Band Jam. After all these, everything is done, and 1 more month I will be studying. After that will be exam. After that, I will start my Vacation Internship Program. After that, school again. That's where the problem will start. Where am I gonna stay?

God, please decide what will be the best for You to fulfil Your Will in me.

A day of deep thoughts

2006-02-12T00:03:00.000+08:00

Made alot of mistakes for the past weeks. Try to make up for the mistake in one day. I can't. I lost. After all, I am still the slacker. I knew it myself.

Well, today, spend my time until Lecture 3 of EE2011 (trying to make an effort to study electromagnet, but ended up until there, because I lost focus). Tried to study later on, but my mind kept on wandering. Bad you might say. Yeah, it is bad.

I was wondering, how am I going to cope. I had so many deadlines. Essays due, lectures gone, tutorials totally left untouched, and here I got 2 major events happening in one week, and I am supposed to coordinate them. I am tired. I am really tired. Oh, tutorial quiz too. I had to cancel my wisdom tooth operation thanks to the tutorial quiz on the same day.

I am damned. All thanks to what I did last time. God may forgive me, but what has happened cannot be undone. Miracles won't happen in such a way that I can finish lecture in one day, finish essays in one day, every thing done in Sunday alone so that I can enjoy the remaining weeks picking up the pace. Pace? I think I lost it already.

I am lost. Seriously lost. School life has never been so scary to me before. I never thought that I would reach below 3 state. I always thought that just getting an honour is enough. Now... I don't know if I can still study in NUS. Now, I am very worried. But I don't know how to leave it to God to do it. I really can't. I ... I don't know.

Now I think of it, maybe I would try total isolation from campus for a few weeks, if it works for me, then I would stick to the plan. If not, I would give up. Do stupid things you say, but I would give up staying inside Hall. For the sake of the grade. It is quite vital to me, knowing that you play internet all day is not 'to learn about University life'. This is not University life. This is a kid's life. I would end up being wounded up like a mad dog. In fact I am.

I wanted a double room, and find a roommate who I can study whenever I am with him around, but I think it was lame. I know I would eventually influence him. That was what happened last year, with Gary. Now I thought deeper. Better to limit internet access, stay at Grandma's house to study. This could be better. Take school literally as school, then go back home to study. Yeah, take Grandma's house as home. It might work. Or would it?

I don't know. I am very lost. Seriously. I know myself. I am now not just needing such limitation. I need something more. Perhaps I should try counciling session. It might work. It would do me big favor. It might. Why not? I currently need someone to hold on to, and I do not have now. I can't find a girlfriend certainly, as they are not meant to be such way. I don't know if I am ever ready for such things. Single has always been an issue, no matter how hard I tried to forgo it, it seems to me that I am trying to avoid the issue. Ultimately, I know my deepest desire. CAN I HAVE LIFE SUPPORT, for God's sake?

I am lost. Perpetually lost. Lost in school work. Lost in my life. I tried depending on God, and I wanted to. But I don't know. Somehow, something is not right. I am still struggling. I am really struggling. I know that God says that His love is sufficient to cover everything...

But, I have a big hole in the heart right now. It is the love I wanted. A life person who I can trust. A life woman who I can put my trust to. A life woman who I can also go and hug. A person who I always wanted to say, I love her. I tried. 2 times. Online. Failed. Rejected. I can't bring this up to life people. Can't even start to say hi. Can't even start to greet. Can't. I can't meet her face to face. I don't think God wants me to find a love either. I am not committed at all. Not at all.

Then why the rainy season pouring in my heart? Why the hole is still leaking? Why am I still pondering the question in my every night dreams? Why can't I look up to God as if He is the sovereign of all love, and that He would provide me with sufficient love? Why can't I go through all these? Why, when people say, the rough time will soon come to pass, I don't feel it? I HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FOR 10 LONG YEARS! TELL ME WHY?

Guess it is time to go offline. I won't want to go blogging sometimes sooner, if God allows. Something has got to be done, neh?

2 Weeping nights

2006-02-10T20:19:00.000+08:00

Been crying for 2 different nights. One, after the final match of Inter Hall Games: Handball male. Raffles Hall beat Kent Ridge Hall by 3 goals margin. Two: after watching Against The Ropes.

The second part wasn't the first time though. The reason behind the weeping was.

On the first night, I was watching Kent Ridge Hall. I watched the better team played. They were so disorganised. The team that I respect more than Raffles Hall was like a bunch of hooligans trying to make themselves champs. But somehow along the match, it wasn't the winning factor that bothers me. It was the way of the game flow. I watch how good team drops down, just as how I started of as a good Christian, according to my peers in my hometown church. However, ever since I came to NUS, I learned bad stuff. Foul language, free source of porn, humiliate girls... wait, porn. There is a bundle of words there.

I was so engrossed with porn even before the semester starts. A bunch of good deals. I can get to watch 2 hours of porn for free, just by downloading. It is awesome, pretty face, real tight. Such things. Bad things. Because of such engrossment, it lasted for 4 weeks. Even during Chinese New Year, it won't go off. This is how bad it is.

I never thought of forgetting that until one day, I met an internet random chatter through ICQ. Being talkative and persuasive in talking with online people, I play along with them. Particularly Kai. Call herself Baby fat because she like the nickname. Never thought that she is actually rather pretty. But Internet could be hoax. But that is not the point.

I started to fear porn the next day after I know Kai. She offer to me her pictures and her experience in sex. I was taken aback. I was shocked. And because I was shocked, I rejected her. I know her and I respected her the day before, listening to my history and thinking I am honest with her. Her honesty to me, however, backfired. I was horrified. I rejected her. I rejected my God-sis.

Handball match didn't show porn, but my thought was running through how I though respected people made mistakes. Then somehow it linked up. God says man wasn't meant to be perfect. In fact He knows we are imperfect. Which is why Kent Ridge screw up that match. They should have won if they did a right organisation. My God-sis would not be rejected had she not exposed her nymphomaniac characteristics to me. I wouldn't have wasted my time watching porn, instead of preparing for the upcoming week of tutorial quiz. Had not it happens. Easier said than done.

I thought it so much, and I suddenly realise a major factor. I told God blatantly: Papa, I really can't do it anymore. I cannot control my urge anymore. I lost this battle with Satan. I started of wanting to be free from distraction. Just me alone with my computer, with my life. I ended up succumbing to computer, to porn. I lost touch with God. Totally.

Papa did not say anything. I did not tell anyone about what I have thought. But somehow I know I have to say it before I go crazy. I tried Jian Ming, but I was too shy. I told him that we meet up to talk about it, rather than talking on the phone.

5 days have gone. Next up I was trying to study Electromagnet, the subject I never touch at all since the beginning of the lecture. Next week is the tutorial quiz. 25 percent. I can't believe I don't know what is the curl of the vector when my lecture finished the entire electromagnet fundaments. I tried to start of, learning the basics how to integrate, when I felt I can't read anymore. Tried to do something, but I can't. Totally uninspired... to put straightforwardly, I felt bad thinking about those stuff. I can't... it is tough.

Then I suddenly thought how I was inspired by Against the Ropes. So, I want to give it a try. Since I can't study, why not see something? Yeah I did. Guess what, I wept more. The most. This is my 5th time watching it, and I wept more?

Then I began to realise, in the darkness, that I was struggling with certain things. My not forgiving myself. My giving up. My struggling with masturbation, which has become an addiction. My struggling with socialising with people. My struggling with whether is it the right time to go a step deeper in relationships with women. My struggling with studies, how am I going to make it the right point to catch up, since I got 6 more weeks. It is so little. My... ultimate struggling with myself.

Sometimes I want to give myself a chance to meet up with people, but I just struggles. I can't talk to them regularly. Sometimes I wished I could meet up girls that I like, hinting her if can't directly that I like her, and that if I could have a deeper understanding of her to have a sort of courtships. I had numerous 'love at first sight' with some girls, but I just can't see to them in a proper manner. My sinful character just hindered me to talk to them normally. I just can't have normal conversation with them, when my thought tells me I don't want to taint their expectation of me being a 'good boy', where in actual fact I am a dirty, naughty, rebellious, porn-addicted, sometimes critical to my family and certain friends, and worst... I don't want them to know that I want them physically. That is bad. No... that is horrendous. God will strike me dead.

In fact, he could have. So many times.

But He did not. In fact, He slowly steers my heart to be thinking purely of girls, of studies, of the real reasons why I would be addicted to pornography. All in the name of human relation. I yearn for a person to trust me, believe me, have faith in me, never give up on me, and love me as myself. Not a person who earns what he is loved for. But who will be loved despite of himself being a sinful person.

But I have this mindset. You are what you earned to be. You are what you work hard for. After all, did not God give us work for?

But no, we do not deserve His Grace, no matter what we did. Good works? Search deeper. Is there time when you say, "Oh, working money so that I could look better?" Did you ever say that? Or did you ever think that? Now, think deeper. What is the looking better for? So that you stood out better than the other? So that people notice you? Hold on a second hypocrite, aren't you selfish? And you think you earned that? That criteria will allow you to go to heaven?

Tnink... because that ponders me while I am writing now. I was like this. I wanted attention to me, yet when asked I would say, no ... it is glory to God, not to me... Yeah right, dressing right so that you could make yourself look better than some other people don't look as good as you makes you glorifying God. Tell me if you are right or not. You are just fanning your own feathers.

Which is why it makes me sad. I wept partly because of this.

I told God, if my feeling of helpless doesn't lead You to see my suffering, God, then I will commit suicide.

Hold up. Aren't you being selfish here.

... You want God's attention. You want God to see that you are suffering so that you can live a better life. You want the sudden genius ideas come to you so that you can study fast and better. You sorely want a girlfriend, and you admit you can't do it, so you ask God if He can help you. Sure, you wept... but does that work?

Which is why when I wept, suddenly I got this urgent thought. I suddenly stopped. Why am I still so selfish? Why am I still wanting attraction? Why?

Then, I suddenly sat up straight. Got this thought that comes to mind. Why, of all the prayers that I have said, that I never said anything like, "God, You do what You like. If me being a single is what You have in mind, let it be. If these trials are not the end, do what You think is the best for me. If I were to face failure in this semester so that it serves a lesson for me to learn from You, God, do what You like". Did I ever thought of that? Not until just now.

I realise, after all these crying and such, that if I meant genuinely to repent, I would have done so, but I did not. In fact, it was momentous. After that, it was gone. I never intend to really repent. I just want to live such life, but still live a good life.

As I was writing, I was rather convicted. These tears are not real. They are just for show. I badly wanted God to look at me. That's all. And that's bad.

...

...

So I thought... it is time, not to think about all these any more. Something has to be done.

Kurdip Singh, my neighbour, and the Resident Fellow of Block 3 of Raffles Hall, he told me that there is this counciling centre that I could seek. (I am sorry Mr. Kurdip, for lying to say that it is a friend who is crying. I am sorry. My pride again... I am sorry.) I went out, seek a breath, and had a clearer thought. Now, I wanted to do something right. I want to deal with this issue. It is vital. I can't go on feeling lost and dejected anymore.

Second, I need to find a mentor, it is vital. I need to walk right, and not insulting God all the time. I think I did.

God, I am sorry. I do.